Kansas City at Twins. Royals 3, Twins 1.
After Tuesday's game, Juan Castro could be found huddled in a corner of the Twins clubhouse. As is well known, Joe Mays cannot stand to see a teammate upset, so he promptly went over to try to cheer him up. It used to be that Mays would use physical humor to help break the ice in such situations, until late last July when he did his famous orangutan-mating-dance imitation for one rather blue looking Doug Mientkiewicz, who promptly kicked Mays in the nads and then started weeping uncontrollably.
Well, so, this time, Mays opted to approach Castro more gently; he sat down next to the veteran infielder and convivially slapped him on the back.
At which point Juan Castro let out a girlie scream to the high heavens and ran from the room.
"That was weird," said Mays. "Huh. Well, better go tell Gardy all about my new pregame routine."
Before the game Wednesday, Castro reported that he'd been experiencing dizzy spells and would be unable to play. Gardy took one look at him and said, "Yeah, man, you look like hell." Gardy clapped him on the shoulder avuncularly, at which point Castro turned green and passed out.
"That was weird," said Gardy. "Huh. Well, better go try to hide from Mays."
Well, no one had too much time to focus on Castro, as the Twins had a game to play. It takes a lot of concentration to drop the ball all the time and blow so many scoring opportunities.
No one heard anything from Juan Castro at all, in fact, 'til the seventh inning when Hector Carrasco beaned Michael Cuddyer in the wrist, and a strange keening noise came from the clubhouse. Gardy found Castro in a blithering heap on the floor.
"Juanie, I know you're not feeling well, but I need you to go in. Cuddy was hurt, and you have to run for him."
But Castro just shook his head violently. "No!" he said. "No! I'm not going out there!"
"What is it Juanie?" Gardy said. "What's wrong?"
"The curse has come upon me!" wailed Castro.
Well, Gardy's not a dumb man, and pretty soon he was able to put two and two together.
"Oh," he said. "You're scared because we're going through infielders like pancakes!"
"YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS!" screamed Castro.
Yes, Gardy had hit the nail on the head. Juan Castro was scared because they were going through infielders like pancakes. And not thick, buttermilky pancakes, either, but the kind of crepe-like pancake that is as light and thin as a butterfly's ass. For the events of the past months had caused Juan Castro to wonder: could the stories he had heard as a child been more than myths?
The evidence was mounting. First Brent Abernathy mysteriously disappeared from the active roster, then something ate Little Nicky Punto. Then Rivas went down, and then yesterday Glenn "Who?" Williams succumbed. Coinkidink? I think not. By the time Michael Cuddyer was making his way into the training room holding his wrist, Castro knew—it was all true, every horrible world.
"Gardy, you cannot put me out there," Castro yelled. "I am only one man, and El Monstruo, he cannot be stopped."
Gardy stopped. "What the $@*! is El Monstruo?"
"You do not know of El Monstruo?" He looked around the room quickly, then turned back to Gardy and whispered, "Back in my home village, we told stories of a horrible creature who preys on infielders. I used to think it was just a story, something to give young boys nightmares, but now, I am beginning to believe. I am afraid, Gardy. I am afraid of El Monstruo. We cannot stop his terrible mission. Once he begins eating a team's infielders, he will not stop until he has gone through the whole organization. He mostly comes at night. Mostly."
Representation by Natalie Dee.
"El Monstruo came into being when the Chupacabra mated with George Steinbrenner. He is merciless, and his appetite insatiable. You saw what he did to the Mets. Oh, Gardy, we’re all doomed. Doomed!"
Gardy scratched his head. "Um, Juan?"
"Well that's great, that's just $@$%!*' great man. Now what the *@$% are we supposed to do? We're in some real pretty $#!% now man..."
"Juan?"
"That's it man, game over man, game over!"
"Excuse me...Juan?"
"Yes, Gardy?"
"Get the hell out there and play ball."
Posted by Batgirl at June 29, 2005 09:54 PMPoor Juanie. Never fear! They will be back.
And I love Natalie Dee. And I would love to see mays do an orangutan mating dance.
Posted by: aurora at June 29, 2005 10:57 PMEarlier this year, we had to move an infielder (LNP) to the outfield to play. Now we have to move an outfielder (Micky Ryan) to the infield to play. I'm looking forward to a day in 2005 when we have an entirely healthy line-up*, but I fear Juan may be onto something.
Batgirl, if they were to create the National Museum of Sass, they'd only need yours. Thanks for the laughter.
Now someone tell me that my boyfriend (Michael) is okay. Please?
Just Beth
*Discounting Jason Kubel and Grant Balfour, both of whom were projected to be out all year. Although if they came back, I wouldn't be one to complain.
El Monstruo looks both sexually ambiguous as well as something from my 3rd grade art class's junk drawer. Not only would the agony of being consumed by it be DL worthy, but speaking as a youngish male, getting eaten by something that lavender would be downright embarrassing.
Posted by: Ryan at June 29, 2005 11:16 PMEl Monstruo looks like my cat, except purple. Hmm....
Posted by: Donnalove at June 29, 2005 11:16 PMI saw what he did to the Mets. El Monstruo is indeed insatiable. Soon we'll have nothing left to feed him.
Posted by: LaurieNY at June 29, 2005 11:43 PM"Bent wookie." That's the best metareference I've seen in a long time.
Posted by: Kurtis at June 29, 2005 11:53 PMAliens was the best of the four - well done.
Posted by: Mike&Jane at June 29, 2005 11:55 PMah.. the dreaded bent wookiee. I hate it when that happens.
Posted by: TD at June 30, 2005 12:15 AM"He mostly comes at night... Mostly."
SO classic. Now I think of that line in an Eric Cartman voice after they spoofed it on South Park... I might have woken people up with my laughter!
BG, truly inspired. You (and Juan) captured perfectly the unseen terror I felt tonight, and for that I am grateful. And I really needed a "YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS!"
Thanks.
Posted by: AT at June 30, 2005 03:43 AMAnd the bent wookie! and Dakota Fanning! ...
Words cannot express my feelings at this.
hee hee hee... I love it!
I've been wondering what the heck's been eating all of our infielders! that little pink fluffy thing is GOING DOWN! Tumbleweed will see to that...
(LOVE the "Alien" references, btw)
Posted by: kafumbly at June 30, 2005 07:10 AMwhoops... purple. either way, Tumbleweed will eat it.
Posted by: kafumbly at June 30, 2005 07:14 AM
I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure they sell El Monstruo at Claire's.
Wherever Claire's is, we need to shut it down.
Last night I had nightmares of Morneau at 3rd and Matty at 1st. I woke up in a cold sweat.
I just want to grab all of our little infielders and give them a big hug and kiss on the cheek, wipe away their tears and tell them it's going to be okay, but I'm scared I might break them. We may need to dust off that bubble wrap we had saved in the back room for Koskos.
"Huh. Well, better go try to hide from Mays."
-I'm still laughing from this one.
Batgirl -
JD Carrasco - =) I'm sure this was due to the batlag =)
Oh well Michael Ryan filled in nicely at third -then again - no balls were hit his way - wait he did nearly collide with Shaggy trying to field the bunt - but it turned out all right.
Cuddy - had xrays - all negative - he should be all right
Much love
Wonder Woman
Why doesn't L-Rod get any respect?
Posted by: Taylor at June 30, 2005 08:49 AMGeez. Suddenly, it all makes sense. El Monstruo has been after the O's too.
Posted by: CarrieICL at June 30, 2005 09:07 AM
My bad. The thing at Claire's was a dolphin cellphone holder.
http://www.claires.com/product.asp?name=prod&color=blue&rcid=21&id=2005&scid=24
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at June 30, 2005 09:13 AMok... TD, AT????
bent wookie and Dakota Fanning!?!?!? Am I missing something!??!
but BG, thank you for finally giving me a name for that thing - I KNEW it existed but Scully would never believe me.
Posted by: CapitalBabs at June 30, 2005 09:32 AMDJ Carrasco. How ironic, considering he whacked our DJ in the hand.
Posted by: LaurieNY at June 30, 2005 10:02 AMOh dear - I'm dyslexic today - thanks Laurie =)
Much love
Wonder Woman
First, "nads," then "convivially" AND "avuncularly"! Geez, Batgirl, you make me laugh, which makes the sucking time easier.
Posted by: Dee at June 30, 2005 10:28 AMEarlier in the year it was theorized that you kill an infielder every time you, er, well . . . touch yourself. Batgirl assured us that we had plenty to go around. People, we need some self control.
Posted by: Me at June 30, 2005 10:36 AMBabs - Check out the depth chart. Bent wookie and Dakota Fanning will make sense.
There is so much truth in this. I laughed so hard I got funny looks from my co-workers. It was worth it though. Thanks BG!
Posted by: olbiemn at June 30, 2005 10:43 AMI'm sorry to report that I've strained, possibly pulled, my left calf muscle. I should be ready to play against the Angels, but I should rest it some more over the weekend.
I'm also a bit concerned that Dakota Fanning is higher up on the prospect list than I am. Can she make brownies even half as bitchin' as I did last night? I have my doubts.
Posted by: Skorch at June 30, 2005 10:57 AMThanks Olbie.. man, you guys must have better eyes than I. Here I was 4 inches from my 17 in monitor trying to read all those.
I liked Batmom personally - "usually"
Posted by: CapitalBabs at June 30, 2005 10:57 AMI'm in the process of training my aunt and uncle's corgi to play third base. She's pretty good at fielding, but he may have problems batting. She always wants to catch the ball, never hit it!
Posted by: ndtf at June 30, 2005 11:03 AM...but he may have problems batting...
By he, I meant she.
Posted by: ndtf at June 30, 2005 11:12 AMDearest Mr. Skorch,
Hurry back. Your team needs you.
Love,
BG
el diablo knows of El Monstruo. Once friends back in high school when el diablo played backup 2nd base on his varsity baseball team, now bitter enemies due to events far, far too complicated to get into here, el diablo has been known to hunt the dreaded El Monstruo while deep in the Mayan jungles.
Posted by: el diablo at June 30, 2005 12:28 PMAh, Skorch, but can you scream the little girl's scream like Ms. Fanning can?
As for El Monstruo? I say nuke him from orbit. It's the only way to be *sure*.
Posted by: mk at June 30, 2005 12:32 PMNot to sound negative, but is anybody else to the point with Radke that they're just avoiding watching a game in which he pitches?
I did that with today's game. Just checked the score at the end of the day, to find to my "surprise" that he had given up two in the first.
I wish they'd find a way to correct that in him. The first inning is often most important...especially at home. Imagine the dome crowd having to watch their team fall in the hole before they even had a chance to get comfortable.
I don't like Radke this year. I felt bad for his lack of run support last year, but this year...meh.
Click on my name for something I made that sums up my feelings towards him.
Posted by: Torhu at June 30, 2005 12:35 PMDearest Mr. hu,
As BG is making a great effort to keep things on topic on the site these days, she would be grateful if you took off-topic Twins musings to the BatCave at http://www.twinsbatcave.com/.
Yours,
BG
Goldy Locks had better watch himself, he had a tough winter, I'd hate to see something else happen to him.
Posted by: closetJaysfan at June 30, 2005 01:29 PMclosetJaysfan,
I think the Doctor is safe for now, unless the orginization suddenly decides to move him across the infield...
Posted by: mk at June 30, 2005 05:38 PMAs a diehard Twins fan, I am willing to step up and play 3rd base if needed. I will even take on that weird purple thing. And maybe the Doctor will notice me making a good play and give me a polite slap on the butt.
Posted by: Stacy at June 30, 2005 05:51 PMUlterior motives, Stacy?
Posted by: mk at June 30, 2005 06:01 PMHaplo's a little upset that he didn't make the list as a possible last-minute replacement. He's got a great first step (although, admittedly, a terrible arm and hand-lazy-eye coordination).
Of course, he's "incredibly disenchanted," and wouldn't have been able to play; but not making the list just exacerbates things.
Posted by: Haplo at June 30, 2005 06:13 PMApologies BG.
Posted by: Torhu at June 30, 2005 11:36 PM"As a diehard Twins fan, I am willing to step up and play 3rd base if needed. I will even take on that weird purple thing. And maybe the Doctor will notice me making a good play and give me a polite slap on the butt."
Of course he would...Canadians are nothing if not polite... ;)
Posted by: closetJaysfan at July 1, 2005 12:58 PMDear Torhu,
No worries. Frightwig's got a good post on Radke today...
http://sundappledwood.blogspot.com
Yours,
BG
