Weekend Round-Up. Twins at Milwaukee.
Friday. Brewers 3, Twins 1.
Saturday. Brewers 7, Twins 6.
Sunday. Twins 5, Brewers 2.
It may surprise you, but in addition to her duties as Twins batgirl—which are all quite consuming, I tell you what—Batgirl also is a patron of the arts. She's particularly interested in the area's burgeoning Romantic poetry scene, and has a fondness for the work of the local poet known as John "Spanky" Keats, not only for his great appreciation of material beauty, but for his love of Batgirl's own Minnesota Twins. Naturally, Mr. Keats was quite happy when the Twins changed from Astroturf to grass, and certainly you know him from his many fine pro-outdoor ballpark editorials in Endymion Weekly.
Why, just Saturday night, after the Brewers came back on the Twins to guarantee a series loss and an incredibly ass-crap recent record, Batgirl went to her local ale house, a popular hang out for young poets, and found Mr. Keats in a dark corner scrawling away by candlelight. After buying herself a nice stiff whisky, downing it, and ordering another, Batgirl approached him.
"Hey, Spank."
"Hail, Batgirl," he said, nodding at the glass in BG's hand. "Bound for Lethe, I see."
"Damn skippy," Batgirl said, taking a gulp. "It's all the sucking. It wears on a girl."
"I know," he said. "My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains my sense, as though hemlock I had drunk."
"Exactly," said BG.
"I'm actually working on something right now about this series," he said. "Would you like to hear it?"
"Sure!"
"It's a little rough," he said. "But I think you'll get the idea." He stood up, and cleared his throat. "Imagine, if you will, a deserted Wisconsin hill in a barren land. A sensitive poet is taking a walk in nature, as is his wont, and he comes across a man lying listlessly amongst the tall blades of grass. The man looks quite familiar to the poet, though his face is pale and his eyes unfocused, and upon closer inspection, the poet sees it is the manager of the Twins. So the poet says...ahem:"
O, WHAT can ail thee, Skip o' Twins?
Alone and palely loitering?
The sucking has come upon us all,
And no birds sing.
O, what can ail thee, Skip o' Twins!
So haggard and so woebegone?
The vat of Gatorade is full,
And the line-up's done.
I see a stress rash on thy brow
With anguish moist and fever dew
And on thy cheeks a fading rose
Fast withereth too.
"That's nice," said BG. "I like the fading rose part."
"Thanks," said Keats. "I like it too. So, anyway, then, the manager looks at the poet and coughs weakly and slowly, he begins to tell his story."
I met a lady in the meads,
Full beautiful—a faery’s child,
Her hair was long, her foot was light,
And her eyes were wild.
I made a foam cheese for her head,
And bracelets too, and fragrant zone;
She look’d at me as she did love,
And made sweet moan.
I set her on my mascot bear,
And nothing else saw all day long,
For sidelong would she bend, and sing
The Twins fight song.
She found me roots of lager sweet,
And honeyweiss, and Munchen dew,
And sure in language strange she said—
“Come play my crew of Brew.”
She took me to her new ballpark,
And there she wept, and sigh’d fill sore,
And there I shut her beer gog'ling eyes
With kisses four.
And there she lulled me asleep,
And there I dream’d—Ah! woe betide!
The latest dream I ever dream’d
On the cold hill’s side.
I saw sad Twins, and Prince Fielder too,
And my boys, death-pale were they all;
They cried—“La Belle Dame sans Merci
Hath thee in thrall!”
I saw their starved lips in the gloam,
With horrid warning gaped wide,
And I awoke and found me here,
On the cold hill’s side.
And this is why I sojourn here,
Alone and palely loitering,
Though the sucking has come upon us all,
And no birds sing.
"It's pretty good," BG said. "Dark."
"Yeah," said Keats. "Well, what can you do?"
"I don't know," BG said, taking another drink. "I just don't know."
Keats sighed and took BG's hands and looked deeply into her eyes. "Remember, BG," he says, "a thing of sucking does not suck forever." He titled his head and thought for a moment. "Or, conversely, sucking is ass-crap, and ass-crap sucking. That is all ye know and all ye need to know."
Batgirl nodded. "You bet your sweet ass, Spanky."
He smiled. "You sure have a way with words, BG."
Posted by Batgirl at June 26, 2005 04:33 PMBrilliant. The thing that separates a Batgirl post from a lesser Twins-related literary work is the litttle touches, such as "Munchen Dew." That was awesome.
Posted by: Andre at June 26, 2005 05:01 PMBig Bad Brad Radke is also a poet. His comments to Captain Cheesburger . . .
"Nice Hat,
Ass-bat."
You know, that Spanky has a way with words as well.
And my life feels centered now, as though I was stuck on the left-hand side of the page and could not get any further. It is a good feeling, though I do not know what got me all askew.
Posted by: mk at June 26, 2005 05:23 PMha! mk...
--He smiled. "You sure have a way with words, BG."
you sure do, BG. brilliant!
Posted by: kafumbly at June 26, 2005 05:31 PMI'm glad the Twins were able to pull one out. Else Spanky might have been writing a poem about melancholy.
Posted by: Attyfan at June 26, 2005 05:40 PMWell, when you put it THAT way... suckitude has quite a poetic ring to it.
Posted by: LaurieNY at June 26, 2005 05:40 PMWell, this was a good game today... perhaps we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Or perhaps our boys didn't want to face BG if they got swept. Hell, I certainly wouldn't want to.
Posted by: CarrieICL at June 26, 2005 06:50 PMI feel like stout Cortez, alone, on a peak in Darien.
Thanks, BG!
Posted by: mjm at June 26, 2005 06:52 PMI sure hope Carol doesn't find out about this lady in the meads. If she does, Gardy's in for trouble at home.
Lovely Batgirl...just lovely.
Posted by: bubblemint at June 26, 2005 07:44 PMBTW...I did mean the poetry is lovely. It really is. :-)
Posted by: bubblemint at June 26, 2005 07:59 PMhmm... anyone notice that Mr Keats has an unfornate CC tilt to his cap wearing!?!??!?!
That being said, his poetry made up for it. *wink* great summation BG.
Posted by: CapitalBabs at June 26, 2005 08:36 PMNice summary for us, BG.
And thanks to anyone and everyone who sent good vibes toward the E-Twins on this lovely Sunday afternoon. We're in sole possession of first and hoping to stay that way.
-annun-
Posted by: annun at June 26, 2005 09:21 PMThat was beautiful! It makes the sucking not sound so terrible...but when you see it on TV....well, a pictures worth a thousand words...even if they are pretty.
Posted by: Maren at June 26, 2005 10:10 PMBG, you are just amazing. That is so fantastic!
At any rate, the bats are now starting to pick up, it seems. We'll have to hope that next weekend's round-up refers to the sucking time only in the past tense.
Posted by: Nick at June 26, 2005 10:54 PMBrilliant, BG. I think that's the kind of post that will unite batlings and get the Twins back on track. Lovely. And I'm glad you went with "Spanky."
Posted by: AT at June 27, 2005 01:31 AMAs a fan of those other, non-Bitch Sox, I have to say Batgirl adds class as well as sass and is always worth reading. Loved the Keats!
Posted by: karlmagnus at June 27, 2005 08:51 AMBatgirl-
Amazing, again! I never realized Keats was a Twins fan. Of course, ignoring poetry as much as an English major can, I don't know a lot about any poet.
And I'm amused that it took Kyle Lohse to get us a victory this weekend.
Just Beth
Posted by: Just Beth at June 27, 2005 08:51 AMGardy looks a little green around the gills.
Posted by: Jeb at June 27, 2005 08:57 AMKeats references make this Twins fan and former English major smile, despite the pain of the sucking time. Thank you.
Also, the Cubs did what they could to help out. There are no bragging rights for the Bitch Sox this year. This is also a good thing.
Posted by: Cathy at June 27, 2005 08:59 AM
What's a gloam again?
Jeb, I also noticed Gardy looking like he had just sucked a lemon on Saturday night. It's most alarming.
Batgirl, did you TELL him that you've discontinued the game threads? That might help...
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at June 27, 2005 09:22 AMOne difference between RD and BG:
RD can never get outta the batter's box when it comes to poetry because the cadence is always drowned out by Great White's "Once Bitten, Twice Shy" and Pat Travers' "Boom! Boom! (Out Go The Lights.")
Bravo to Sparky and Batgirl!
Posted by: RonDavis at June 27, 2005 09:36 AMDearest Ms. Goddess,
BG also forgot to ask Spanky what a "Zone" is. Gardy seems to have given La Belle Dame one, whatever it is.
Curiously,
BG
Dear Mr. Davis,
Also, RD had a distinguished major league career, and BG just holds the bats!
Yours,
BG
Alas, Batgirl lass
Ways that distinguished my pitch
They largely did suck
Yrs,RD
Posted by: RonDavis at June 27, 2005 11:15 AMIn a bizarre alignment of fate...Minty is heading to the DL, making room on the Mets roster for Callup Jose Offerman.
One exTwins trouble is another's opportunity. Hopefully the same thing won't happen to Minty in NY that happened when he went on the DL here.
(Click name for link)
Posted by: Torhu at June 27, 2005 11:17 AMMaybe Gardy can buy a Grecian Urn for the boys who's meaning they can pontificate. Beauty is indeed truth, and truth is beauty.
Posted by: mike at June 27, 2005 11:34 AM"And this is why I sojourn here,
Alone and palely loitering,
Though the sucking has come upon us all,
And no birds sing."
Sounds like LaurieNY could get down with that last sentence...
Ah, it was a classic work even before my new favorite line "You bet your sweet ass, Spanky."
And "My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains my sense, as though hemlock I had drunk" is one of the most descriptive summations of my recent funk that I could ever imagine. Good thing I didn't have immediate access to hemlock or, for that matter arsenic (yellow has always been my favorite).
Finally, speaking of woebegone - I suppose you will be having an audience with Garrison this week to help him with his script?
Bravo!
Posted by: SDave at June 27, 2005 01:34 PMVery, very cool, Batgirl.
I've been mostly a lurker, which really isn't my style, but your post caused to me find the little know version of "If" by Rudyard "Rawlings"Kipling
It follows on next post.
If
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs
and can only complain and whine;
If you can answer firmly to nay sayers
Yet acknowledge that these are the sucking times.
If you can stop yourself from extending current numbers
That would make the Bitch Sox greatest team by far;
While double plays keep coming with bases loaded
And Dan and Gordo cannot name a star.
If the Umpire Man in found to be blind and stupid
And bloop singles fall only for the other team;
And you watch the game surrounded by the cheese heads
Yet somehow manage not to make a scene.
If your old Boyfriend keeps slugging for the Bad Guys
And Pierzinski is now your personal Big Hurt;
Yet you can smile and say, “look, it’s cousin Charlie!”;
When the postgame highlights feature “Circle Me Bert”
If Batgirl leaves for foreign parts unfettered
And the boys take an unprecedented crash;
And the victories keep slipping through your fingers
But you never lose your hope, nor lose your sass;
Then revenge could be yours, but really what’s more
You’ll be a Twins Fan – bet your sweet ass.
Spanky would tell you that a "zone" is a belt or a girdle. So would I if I remembered half of what I learned about Keats in college.... :)
Posted by: Bryan at June 27, 2005 05:41 PM'Twas Selig and the slimy toads
Did Lee and Fielder over bay
All ohka were the sweetcheek loads
and the mauer ass bats laid
Another piece of brilliance, BG!
As a Sox fan, I too know of the sucking time. Ours generally hits us right around baseball season. Has for 87 years! ;-)
In awe,
kojak