Twins 6, Tigers 2.
Batgirl is suffering from some serious Batjetlag, so you must forgive her if things seem a little disjointed. It's nighttime now in Moldova—normally Team Batgirl would be just ending an evening of drinking fine Moldovan wine, engaging in some clacile basket weaving, and watching the ceremonial sass dance.
In other words, it's time for Batgirl to go to bed, or at least so her body says, yet while the sun may have set in the former Soviet Republics, it is high in the sky in the wilds of Minneapolis and Batgirl wants a Diet Coke. Bad.
The point is, Batgirl barely knows her own name right now and is having strange hallucinations, including seeing something about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes being engaged, which is obviously wrong because a) ick and b) didn't Katie end up with Dawson? In Albania, they have a whole channel devoted to Dawson's Creek reruns and a theme park set up to look just like Capeside down to the Capeside Creamery, the Peach Pit, and the Hungry Diner with that hunky Luke pouring coffee. It was to here that Team Batgirl would often lead field trips for the sick children of that country, those who could get out of their hospital beds that is.
Needless to say, the days of our journey were long and the work hard, though rewarding. It must be said that in the beginning, we saw ourselves as givers, as healers—we embraced our roles, of course; it's why we had come. But we were so arrogant, so foolish. For we would soon learn that we were mere students and the children the teachers.
You see, every once in a while Goober would hook up a complicated inter-tron system using the phalange from his Blackberry, a wire hanger, and a goat, and he would check in on the Twins and report back. I must admit that at first we thought his phalange was broken for we could not believe what we were hearing. Seven runs in the what inning? Soy Cheese Romero did what? Glenn who? But gradually it all became clear to us and we realized something terrible: we had erred. Team Batgirl had erred. Team Batgirl had left the country in hopes of making the world a better place but, in their starry-eyed idealism, they had looked too far up to the heavens and forgotten the very earth under their feeties. They had failed the Batlings, failed the Twins, and everything was going straight to Hell.
(Which, incidentally, has its own theme park in the Croatian city of Korcula.)
Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Teeth were gnashed and hair pulled. And on that day, on that horrible day when we realized just what was happening during our absence, our hearts were not in our humanitarian work. Ah, yes, it is horrible to say—but surely, here, with you, Batgirl can be honest. She must be honest. Indeed, when we got to the children's ward of the Lake Snagov hospital in Romania—so close to the purported burial place of one Vlad the Impaler, also known as Count Dracula, who would sneak into bedrooms at night and suck the sass right out of a gal, and now we sleep safe in our beds but does Dracula ever really stay buried? I ask you?—our hearts were not in it. And when Batgirl was sitting on the bed of a young suspiciously sass-deficient lass with two puncture wounds in her neck, she found she had no sass left to give. And Batgirl began to weep.
"What is it? What is wrong?" asked the lass, her brown eyes wide as the Wallachian moon.
"I am so sorry," Batgirl said, in Romanian. "My heart is heavy today."
Well, pretty soon the whole story came out, and the poor sass-deficient girl, who has suffered so much, took Batgirl's hand in her own.
"In my village," she said, "we have a song for times like these."
And then, she began to sing.
To every season -turn turn turn
There is a sucking time -turn turn turn
And a time for all the ways there are to blow.
A time to pop up, a time to strike out
A time for a wild pitch, a time for a passed ball
A time to give up seven runs in the ninth
A time to serve a pitch up over the Berlin wall.
Well, a tear dripped down Batgirl's cheek. This dated Romanian folk song had taught her so much, as had the little girl who sang it.
"Thank you, little girl," Batgirl said. "I have learned so much from you. Truly, you are the teacher, and I am the student."
"It is my pleasure," said the girl. "Now, do you have Joe Mauer's e-mail address?"
Well, Batgirl did not, but when she met up with Team Batgirl at the end of the day outside of the Troilus and Cressida theme park she sang the girl's song and the tears began to flow then. It was not our fault—it was just the sucking time; a little late this year, perhaps, it caught us unawares. But we need not be afraid. We must simply look the sucking time in the eye and say, "I name you, Sucking Time, and by naming you, you lose your power!"
"How long do you think it will go on?" asked Jeb, in Romanian.
"It usually lasts 'til after the All-Star Break," said Sooz, in Uzbek.
"Yes," said Batgirl. "We have a long road ahead of us to hoe. But, as the Belarusians say, I think we shall come out of it better people, though our hoes may be dingy and worn. And by the end of the journey, the hoes, they will thank us, for a hoe is not made to sit on the shelf and look pretty, but rather it is there to, well, hoe. So, let's hoe, my friends! Let's hoe!"
So we came home, ready to face whatever the sucking time had in store for us. And, oh, we needed our garden implements today, for the Tigers, they had brought out their brooms, and the Twins were looking awfully dusty. But Carlos Silva as everyone knows has a very full gardening shed and he strode to the mound and announced, "Baseball players of Detroit, this may be the sucking time, but I am Carlos Silva and I am here to pitch with frightening accuracy. Yes, I am here to hoe you down."
Whether that was a terrible pun or merely a problem with English, we'll never know, but did it matter? For Silva pitched another complete game—though this time it took him ninety-one whole pitches to do so—and never got to a three ball count. Meanwhile, the Twins offense—well, it still blew but it blew productively. In the first inning, Jacque Jones came up the bases loaded and two outs and promptly struck out—yet the ball got away and pitcher Jason Johnson who, apparently still stunned by the news of Tom and Katie, forgot to cover home and two runs scored. And then Matthew LeCroy, he popped out, but the Tigers, still stunned by Jason Johnson, didn't catch the ball and two more runs scored. Yes, four runs were scored in the first innings, but this time they were all by the Twins, and that is cause, my friends, for Moldovan dancing.
"I am here to pitch with frightening accuracy..." heh heh
Nice one.
Posted by: LaurieNY at June 23, 2005 06:29 PMGood night sweet Batgirl...may flights of sass deficient lasses sing thee to thy rest.
Posted by: bubblemint at June 23, 2005 06:30 PMbrilliant, Batgirl. absolutely.
yes, we name the Sucking Time, and shake our fists at it in defiance! Sucking Time, begone!
I hope that you were able to enjoy your mission in Eastern Europe despite the Sucking Time. we Batlings humbly apologize for losing our wits in your absence, and we promise to do a better job holding down the fort when your next mission commences.
Posted by: kafumbly at June 23, 2005 06:34 PMIf I had one, BG, I'd give you my very last Diet Coke.... but alas, no Diet Coke is here. I sincerely apologize and hope to make it up next time you are parched. Someone who donates their time to those in need should never go thirsty.
Ditto on the offense blowing it "productively." Brilliant writing.
Posted by: brent at June 23, 2005 07:24 PMLet's hoe, friends, let's hoe.
Posted by: Jeb at June 23, 2005 07:30 PMBatgirl, it is truly good to have you home. Your version of Turn! Turn! Turn! got me thinking about a Batgirl version of the song Hands. With apologizes to Jewel -
If I could tell Batlings just one thing
it would be that the team is okay
and not to worry ’cause worry is wasteful
and useless in times like these.
We won’t be made useless.
We won’t be idled by despair.
We'll gather ourselves around the Twins
for light does the darkness most fear.
Oh, Batgirl. Thank you, thank you for coming home.
And no... Katie didn't end up with Dawson. She ended up with Pacey, the chubby but lovable sidekick.
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at June 23, 2005 08:30 PMFunnily enough, I think it was a Moldavian dance I did in the office this afternoon after the Twins win. I was too transported with happiness to check closely at the time.
And thank you again, for being back, BG.
Posted by: Katharriet at June 23, 2005 08:40 PMHmmm... No more comments? Can't take the heat? I suppose naming your nemeses Bitches had nothing to do with it. I guess you'll delete this too.
Posted by: Right at June 23, 2005 08:43 PMBad news. Vlad Tepes III, or, as we know him, Dracula (son of Dracul, an honorific given to the ruler of Wallachia. I did a paper on Vlad in college. Interesting guy! But...I digress!) woke up early this morning. He leaned over, and had some bad news.
He saw his shadow.
6 more weeks of the Sucking Time for the Twins.
Sorry!
-Pander
The Oh-So-Useless History Major Graduate White Sox Fan
Yay! Welcome back, Batgirl. We did miss you. We did remember that there is always a sucking time, but every year it's so wearying.
It was a beautiful game, even from Section 213 (214 was "reserved" for some huge group). It was wonderful to not even think of looking to the bullpen for one minute. Although watching the Twins cross home plate truly confused us, but made us gleeful with joy, nonetheless.
Just Beth
Still waiting for Matthew LeCroy's home run to land...
Dear, um, Mr. Right,
Just curious. If I had indeed disabled the comments, what exactly was it that you think you just posted?
Curiously,
BG
Thank you, thank you, Batgirl, for sharing that wonderful song with us. It gives us all hope.
Posted by: annun at June 23, 2005 10:10 PMDear Pander,
I'm afraid you have mis-read the clues.
I believe that the source of the shadow he saw was actually the the earth coming between the Sox and the Sun.
This means the Sox will now be coming back to earth and will soon be enduring a sucking time of their own.
And it's about damn time.
bubblemint
Read this on the Trib.
"The starting pitcher gets to choose which jersey to wear. Jim Dunn, longtime Twins equipment manager, suggested to Silva that he eschew the standard top for the batting practice jersey -- with only a number on the back and no name -- just to shake things up, and Silva agreed"
Would've been interesting to see this one on TV. Perhaps it's been a "wardrobe malfunction" this whole time.
Kinda like when Gardy dumped those red caps on Sundays.
Posted by: Torhu at June 23, 2005 10:39 PMBG, I had wanted to say welcome back, but then you wrote this splendid game write-up and I realized that truly you are the one doing the welcoming. And I do feel welcome. And the Jackal totally dominated.
Posted by: AT at June 23, 2005 10:45 PMBut seriously...
do you have Joe Mauer's e-mail address? LOL
WELCOME HOME, TEAM BG!!
That was a brilliant lesson in European geography. Take out your atlases and track where B-G went. It's educational fun for everyone... though I;m dissapointed she didnt get to my family's homeland of Poland. Oh well.... already enough sass there I guess.
Posted by: Ryan at June 23, 2005 11:51 PMYeah, i learned alot today about Team BG's trip, alot about the twins sucking time, alot about europe, and alot about life in general. And that dracula stuff is interesting too. Good to have you back, BG. On with the ass-kicking!
Posted by: Tinger at June 24, 2005 04:59 AMExcellent trip recap BG...and at least we know it is all 100% true :)
"Batgirl can be honest. She must be honest."
YankeeFan
Posted by: YankeeFan at June 24, 2005 08:41 AMThank you. Thank you. Welcome home Batgirl.
Welcome back and thank you BG. I, like the Twins, have been going through my own sucking time lately at my job. But your write up and song have brightened my outlook. So now I'm leaving at 2:00 to go have a beer (or 4), in preparation for the thrashing we're going to put on the brew crew. I was born in Milwaukee, so should I feel bad that their BB team has to be the victims of our end of sucking time party? Thought Not!!
Posted by: tfan at June 24, 2005 10:44 AMBG,
I've got one Diet Coke left in the pop fridge, that nobody drinks. It's yours if you want it.
Good to have you back.
~SMZ
Luke doesn't pour coffee in Capeside. He pours in Star's Hollow, on "Gilmour Girls."
And Joey ended up with Pacey, not Dawson, fer Chrissakes.
Fire your fact checker.
D-Day: War's over, man. Wormer dropped the big one.
Bluto: Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Otter: Germans?
Boon: Forget it, he's rolling.
Bluto: And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough...
[thinks hard]
Bluto: the tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go!
See? We don't need any stinking factcheckers!
And if the rest of that scene wasn't quite so profane, it would be a great rallying cry for Batlings everywhere. I am not worthy to rewrite it for public consumption; is there a writer in the house?
No one's reading this anymore, but hey, Lance -- before imploring our beloved BG to check her facts, maybe check your own. "Gilmore Girls." Not so much "Gilmour Girls." Also "Stars Hollow," without the apostrophe.
And I'm fairly certain BG could kick your ass in a game of Teen Drama Trivia.
Posted by: SaraZ at June 24, 2005 01:08 PMDear Mr. Richardson,
And the Peach Pit is in Beverly Hills.
Love,
BG
Welcome back Batgirl . . .
The nameless uniforms . . . as well as BG's use of dingy and worn hoes . . . are classic.
I wore my black "Jack Daniels Field Tester" t-shirt yesterday. I hope I don't have to wear that every day to get a win.
Posted by: funoka at June 24, 2005 01:44 PM"Yes, four runs were scored in the first innings, but this time they were all by the Twins, and that is cause, my friends, for Moldovan dancing"
I was doing something like it after the game yesterday! And I got some wierd looks at work! Welcome back bat-girl. Get rested!
Posted by: Mic at June 24, 2005 02:21 PMFunoka -
... black "Jack Daniels Field Tester" t-shirt?
Do you wear that straight or under your jean jacket?
Posted by: Hegs at June 24, 2005 04:55 PMI thought I felt a shift in the cosmos-welcome home.
Posted by: BAT bandwagoner at June 25, 2005 10:51 AM