Giants 14, Twins 7
Rad Bradke walked into the clubhouse and looked around. The Nathanest of Joes was schlumped in a corner with an old man as they poured over Lew's computer trying to compute the ERA of their evening. Torii was pacing back and forth cursing about the idiocy of interleague play. "Why do we need to have our pitchers bat in LA and then let the Giants have a DH? How did the Giants ever find a DH? Aren't they, like, illegal in San Francisco or something?" Joe Mauer was practicing jumping over piles of jerseys as if they were bases. Lew had a half smile half frown on his face.
It was, in a word, discombobulated.
Rad said, "Gentlemen, gather 'round. I've got something I want to show you." The rest of the players groaned as it appeared that Rad had some more of his "art" to show.
DJ Cuddles, headphones still on his head, said loudly, "Dude, is it Third Thursday already?"
Yes, it was in fact, Third Thursday. Ever since Rad had begun to be artistic, he had been visiting more and more museums and insisting on showing all of his finds every third Thursday of every month. At first it was cool as Rad had explored different artistic nudes even painting one himself. While the Chairman and JustIncredible loved the picture of the naked lady and still had it up at Hotel Joe, some players were growing leery of Rad's new taste in art.
Rad, see, had been exploring contemporary art. As a result, attendence at Third Thursday had plummeted. Guys said it made them feel dumb to see a picture of a pile of peanut butter and rotting hotdogs. Tonight though, Rad was on a mission.
"So guys, I found this new artist. She's got some great stuff." said Rad.
"Aw, man, why you gonna show us more photographs of cat pee?" wondered LeCroy as he nibbled on a crawdad.
"Yeah, Rad, Lew here says on his darn machine of compute that I had an ERA of 40.50 tonight. How is that even possible? How's your new fangled art gonna help that?" grumbled Old Man Mulholland.
"Well, boys, I got a photograph. It's different from one's I've shown in the past. I'm just going to put it out there and you all take a look."
(Awkward Pause.)
(Awkward Pause.)
(Awkward Pause.)
El Presidente, ever the politician, said, "Rad, are you sure you're all right? I mean, I know you've had some tough times and all. Are you sure you don't want to sit down?"
"K, I got this one. It's all good. Let me tell you about this piece. It's by a photographer named Erika Blumenfeld. Rather than focus on actual objects, Blumenfeld exposes her film to light over a period of time. For example, she did a series of photos every minute for two second intervals for a whole day to show the way light breaks at dawn and then dissapears at dusk. She's not photographing any person or object, it's like she's photographing time itself."
Lew, ever mindful of all things related to time, perked up his ears.
"This picture that's right here, the one I'm showing you right now, is a special picture that I commissioned from her. I met her outside her gallery in Santa Fe and told her about how we're having a hard time with all this weird interleague game stuff--"
"I hate this interleague crap!" interruped Torii.
"I know Torii, I know. That's why I did this. I needed to show you. This picture is an exposure photograph of us as a team taken over the past couple weeks. The darkness is the sucking time--the times we lose one run games when we shouldn't; the times we give up way too many runs in the first inning, the times our closer has an ERA of 108.00 on the evening."
Little Nicky Punto's tiny voice cracked, "What's the light part?"
That, my friends, is the time when we kick some ass. Remember what it was like to kick some ass?
. . . . . .
"Yeah, I liked that," said Shannon Stewart, "That was pretty."
"Isn't it though?" said Rad.
"I think it looks like a lightsaber," exclaimed Lew.
"And what do lightsabers do, Lew?" asked Rad.
Without hesitation or thought, Lew said with the conviction of a Jedi, "They kick ass."
"So boys, let's go to the light. Leave these frickin' National League candyasses and head on out. You with me?"
In unison, the team yelled, "YEAH."
As the team--filled with hope and making the sound of lightsabers--filed out, the young Chairman and JustIncredible came over to Rad. Young Joe asked, "Rad, can we have that picture? I'd like to hang it next to our naked lady."
"Yes, boys. Yes, you can."
Posted by el diablo at June 16, 2005 11:46 PM"Joe Mauer was practicing jumping over piles of jerseys as if they were bases."
LOL! yes, please, Chairman... practice NOT tripping on the bases; that would be helpful. but do please remember to touch them somehow, so you don't get called for a silly out.
excellent, el diablo.
Posted by: kafumbly at June 17, 2005 01:30 AMGood one, el diablo.
So, that was the game I choose for my first at the Dome this year? Hmmm. The eighth and ninth made that 12-hour round-trip drive seem less like a good idea. But as I always say, even Twins baseball played with said Twins' heads up their asses is better than no Twins baseball at all.
Really, guys -- we're going to have these kinds of stretches once and a while. And we still haven't actually lost any ground on the Bitches. So things will be fine.
(But Boo? Count? Please knock this the hell off. OK? Thanks.)
Posted by: SaraZ at June 17, 2005 04:30 AMExcellent recap, El Diablo! May we begin to enter the light tonight, and may Lew continue to brandish his Lightsaber with Jedi authority.
Posted by: Nick at June 17, 2005 06:58 AM
For this Goddess, the game ended after Lew's three-run homer (I LOVE when he does that!).
After that, it all gets a little fuzzy...
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at June 17, 2005 07:10 AMI'm happy to hear that Bradke did his part to pick the team up after the mess that was last night. Thanks for sharing that one with us, El Diablo. Another great day of pinch-blogging!
Posted by: ndtf at June 17, 2005 07:14 AMTwinsGoddess: There was a game, beyond that three-run homer? Funny, I must have blocked it out....
El diablo-- Excellent.
Posted by: Katharriet at June 17, 2005 08:02 AMel diablo,
You, my friend, have accomplished the impossible. I hadn't laughed or even smiled since Boo Berry, the Nathanest of Joes and The Rookie (http://www.bat-girl.com/archives/000874.php) made sure that every person in attendance got their own personal walk. I giggled throughout this. I'm glad to see that when Bat-girl leaves the line-up, she's got a whole bunch of guys ready to step in and perform!
I'd decided last night I wasn't going to try to figure out the ERAs of last night's ninth inning. Quite frankly, I'm not sure that my trusty calculator, the one that got me through a math minor in college, was up to handling numbers like that.
Just Beth
Posted by: Just Beth at June 17, 2005 08:18 AMThe light. Yes . . . the light. The Padres series will be played in the light, right? I'm getting a little scared of the dark.
Posted by: hrunting at June 17, 2005 08:31 AM*sigh* part of me is glad that I didn't get to see any of last nights game..
Just from what I have heard and read, I think my beloved Joe would have caused me a few heart palpitations...
I think between him and Dougie, my chest actually HURTS right now.. *sniff* am I BF jinx!!?!??
Posted by: CapitalBabs at June 17, 2005 09:13 AMAWESOME recap, el diablo!!
Just please remind the Chairman to be careful, lol.
Posted by: Stacy at June 17, 2005 09:23 AMVery nice work, el diablo.
I take great comfort in knowing that I can always count on this site to help repair my broken heart. Thank you.
C'mon boys, let's see some playing in the light this next series.
k-bro
Posted by: k-bro at June 17, 2005 09:32 AMBrilliant writing, el diablo.
I love Lew referring to what lightsabers do and saying "they kick ass." Simple, yet effective.
Posted by: brent at June 17, 2005 09:35 AMYeah, Rad, Lew here says on his darn machine of compute that I had an ERA of 40.50 tonight
I love that. Darn machne of compute. I thought maybe Old Man would use an abacus, or maybe even a slide rule. I'm sure Lew would appreciate one of those.
Posted by: metsfan at June 17, 2005 09:54 AMwell done, el. well done.
Posted by: mn.minx at June 17, 2005 09:59 AMThe light reminds me of the truck/team that ran over the Sox last year. I liked that. That was pretty. Waiting for the BSox to do their best Wile E. Coyote imitation in September.
Posted by: Shack Attack at June 17, 2005 10:45 AMBrilliant! And by "brilliant," I mean "Aaiiiuugh! My eyes!"
But, really: beautifully done, Eldee. Let's stabilize this emulsion, go Twins!
Posted by: kw at June 17, 2005 11:21 AMWell, I don't always put much faith in Ryne Sandberg as a baseball columnist (as a player, on the other hand, yow), but he has some love for the Twins in today's Cycle. Click my name for the link.
Posted by: Katharriet at June 17, 2005 11:45 AMel diablo escribe muchas como Batgirl. ˇKick Ass!
Posted by: frightwig at June 17, 2005 12:28 PMIf you're in the mood to laugh some more... check this out...
http://www.mil-millington.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/things.html
ˇKick Ass! indeed, frightwig. ˇKick Ass! indeed...
Posted by: mk at June 17, 2005 01:15 PMSpeaking of cycles...watcing our hitters and pitchers...not to jinx anything.
But we've teased cycles and no hitters so many times this year. You just get this feeling SOMEBODY's going to do it for us this year.
I just feel it!
Posted by: Torhu at June 17, 2005 01:43 PMYay! It's back up.
Diablo - As expected you did a fine job. Just like the last time Brad exposed us to the arts, I feel so much more cultured now. Maybe I'll listen to MPR instead of Sleepytime Gorilla Museum on the drive home. Just wait, they're in the middle of a fund drive I think...
At any rate I'd say this recap is suitable for framing and hanging in one's den or rumpus room.
Posted by: Skorch at June 17, 2005 03:12 PMWould like to point out that in order to win it all the Twins need to beat one of these "National League Candyasses" at some point.
So.... yeah. Other than that um, carry on. But can I say without reprisal that I no longer have any hope of divisional victory, only the Wild Card.
Posted by: Mimiru at June 17, 2005 03:27 PMnever give up hope, Mimiru... never give up on these Twins.
Posted by: kafumbly at June 17, 2005 03:32 PMGreat, hilarious question posed to Bill Simmons via email that mentions the Bitch Sox and Twins. This was taken from his "Yup, these are my readers" column on today's pg. 2.
Q: Is it just me or is Ozzie Guillen some sort of next generation Tony Montana? The first time I saw him lose it in a press conference I thought I was watching a test scene for "Scarface 2: Back in the Minors." When Frank Thomas eventually goes down with his yearly injury can't you totally see a bug-eyed Ozzie standing over his bedside snarling: "I can't even have a kid with you! Your womb, is so, polluted!" And what happens when the Sox start to slump in the second half? Does Ozzie slide completely into the role of Tony and eventually kill most of the Twins before finally having his throat cut from behind by Jacque Vaughn?
–J.S. McCredy, Chicago
Mimiru - There's plenty of season left, I'd still say I like the Twins chances to take the division. I'm more optimistic now than I was last year around this time.
But still, there's no denying Ozzie's got that team playing, well, like a team.
Posted by: Skorch at June 17, 2005 03:53 PMWhen will there be a villanelle contest? (Click my name).
Posted by: Kurtis at June 17, 2005 04:13 PMI've wondered that about Ozzie too. He's agitated now and they have the best record in baseball. What's he going to be like when they go through a slump?
Posted by: alskntwnsfn at June 17, 2005 04:14 PMKurtis, that was beautiful!
Posted by: kafumbly at June 17, 2005 04:16 PMSad about the not having any hope! I mean, come on, it's not like we're in the basement looking up at the Royals, longing for their superior baseball abilities and division record. The Twinks are playing some good baseball. Let's not forget, the Twins pitching staff currently holds the lowest WHIP and best K/BB ratio of *ANY* Major League club, and we were just barely smidged out by Cleveland for lowest ERA... (Sorry for adding stats). Admittedly, the boys may not have displayed their best work last night, but dammit they're good! And I think they'll bounce back, and if the South Side Bitch Sox make it to the playoffs right there with the Twins, (can't believe I'm saying this...) FINE. Upside: finally our division is getting respect, and we might not have to deal with listening to the f'in $#*^kees or the ECBS every flippin day.
The Dr's prescription:
Take 200 mg of Torii's smile after robbing a HR,
1000 mg of spunk and moxie
12 oz of Canazuelan stoicism
14 doses of "Sit Down, Bitch"
3 shots of adorkable
And wash it all down with some Gulp n Go milk and a bucket of crawdads. Or Batgirl's Happy Happy Fun Drinks, whichever you prefer.
Plus read old Batgirl posts. They make me smile.
thank you aussie....
I think I will try that tonight!
I will let you know if it worked in the morning!
Great recap el diablo!
Posted by: Mic at June 17, 2005 04:35 PMYay! Disclaimer: Don't hold me responsible if the H.H.F.D's give you a hangover! :)
Posted by: aussie at June 17, 2005 04:44 PMA crappy game like that -- and it was truly just plain crappy -- is bound to be discouraging. And it is far enough along in the year to have to concede that the White Sox are legit, so expecting a convenient little freefall is not realistic. But give up on the divisional title? In June? Have we learned NOTHING from the last three years?
Have faith in the Twins, they will get it turned around. There are many games to be played, and many games to be won.
Have a good weekend, don't forget to call your father on Sunday and have fun at Singles night tomorrow night (*sniff* I'm so jealous).
Go Twins!
-ndtf
Posted by: ndtf at June 17, 2005 05:21 PMOh yeah, in honor of Father's Day on Sunday, let me dispense a little wisdom in the manner of my dad:
Don't drink and drive,
Don't boo the home team,
and always say thank you.
Have a great weekend, everybody!
Posted by: ndtf at June 17, 2005 05:28 PMMimiru: No, you cannot.
Posted by: twink at June 17, 2005 05:41 PMI opened the newspaper this morning, and it said we have the third-best record in the league. Yay!
As my own dad used to say: no cookies for quitters. Happy Father's Weekend, everyone.
Posted by: kw at June 17, 2005 05:51 PMIt's Father's day weekend??? huh. who knew.
Splendid job Diablo. simply smashing. (now I sound like a gay british man..)
And um, hello? Give up? What? That is a poor attitude. We're not even to the all-star break.
Posted by: aurora at June 17, 2005 06:43 PM