Twins at Cleveland.
Twins 5, 'Toons 4.
In the beginning, there were cartoons. Some jaunty, some mild, and most all involving antelope. And from the earliest days, those cartoons inspired humankind to greater and greater heights of athletic achievement.
Over fifty-thousand years ago, the first game of BAK was played in the plains of what is now western France. The game began when a tribesman from a tribe of chunky, jiggly gents picked up a rock and chucked it at a hunter known as Tor-ee. Hurt emotionally, Tor-ee picked up the rock and threw it back at the tribesman. And so the game of BAK was born. And the tribes who played it were powered by the force of the vaguely amusing representations they wore stitched to their loincloths (or in the earliest days, their loins).
Although the rules of BAK eventually became more complicated, the goal of the game remained the same: hit the members of the other tribe with a projectile in a way that really smarts. In 675 B.C., Jutokos Mornopolis from the Athens Gemini was pelted in the wrist by a smooth, round stone hurled from the sling of a Captain of the Spartan Barbaros. The Captain, who wore his helmet tilted rakishly to the left, was named Cheeseburgeros Sabathios. And Captain Cheeseburgeros Sabathios of the Barbaros proved to be a nemesis of the Gemini for many years to come. And once again, each polis had its own powerful representational talisman.
In the Middle Ages, BAK evolved into a game played largely by the nobility. Designed to channel the competitive features of courtly love, the knights of BAK would try to smite scented leather sachets filled with pomegranate husks. In 852 A.D., Sir Davis of the "Woods Dwellers " smacked Sir Shannon of the "Dual Virtues" with a scented sachet in a way that challenged Sir Shannon's honor. Sir Shannon responded by speaking harshly into the grill of Sir Davis's helmet. Had monks not intervened, the smiting would have been terrible that day! And, of course, emblazoned on the shield of each knight was a powerful image designed to dazzle and intimidate.
So it has continued through the ages. Perhaps the most momentous BAK contest occurred during America's period of great western expansion. While games between the Native Americans and the Union Army were closely fought, neither side could seize a decisive advantage. Friars were brought in to ensure that violence would not erupt. Indeed, the games were so long and so evenly matched, that noted Cowboy poet Daniel "Moonshine" Gladdazzle was believed to have set up a still inside his viewing tent to ensure a steady supply of his favorite beverage.
After several days of tied play, Lt. Shenandoah Stewart of the Union Army strode to the platter over which the stuffed chipmunk serving as the BAK was to be thrown. He glanced down at the homespun patch designating that he was a member of the First Minnesota Regiment. On that patch, two burly gents -- perhaps strangers to each other -- shook hands across a mighty river. Lt. Stewart thought to himself, "if ye two gentlemen from different settlements can befriend another, then I at the very least can smack the crap out of this chipmunk." All the while, the Native Americans' designated BAK deliverer, Dances with Riske, was fingering his tribe's medallion -- a comic rendering of a powerful chief. "We'll see whose talisman is more powerful," Lt. Stewart muttered under his breath.
Riske pitched, Stewart swung, and the rest is BAK history.
Excellent work, Goober. It looks like the Puntositis has passed out of your system.
Posted by: frightwig at May 27, 2005 05:10 AM"then I at the very least can smack the crap out of this chipmunk."
hahahaha!
*much applause*
Posted by: kafumbly at May 27, 2005 06:12 AMbeautiful.
Posted by: aurora at May 27, 2005 07:00 AMI like to learn a thing a day. Mission accomplished.
Posted by: insider at May 27, 2005 07:39 AM"Lt. Shenandoah Stewart of the Union Army"
Perfect, absolutely perfect.
Posted by: Belle at May 27, 2005 07:43 AMExcellent job on the sass--glad to see health has returned!
Just Beth
Who could rant about the game, but decides to be content with the outcome--and giddy with J.Ro's performance!
Definitely up to BG standards. Nice, Goober.
Posted by: kierra at May 27, 2005 07:58 AMI thought this WAS the work of Batgirl herself! Excellent job, Goober!
Posted by: Say Rah! at May 27, 2005 08:12 AM*tips cap to Goober*
Posted by: CarrieIC at May 27, 2005 08:12 AMI missed everything but the first inning, so thank you for the recap. I decided to spend my evening playing pinochle, and judging from the way the games went, I got all the bad luck out of my system before Saturday night's Powerball drawing.
BTW, I heard this morning that Koskie will be out for 2 months because of his broken thumb.
Posted by: ndtf at May 27, 2005 08:12 AM** faux Greek-John-Belushi-esque voice mode on **
Cheeburger, Cheeburger, Cheeburger
** faux Greek-John-Belushi-esque voice mode off **
Posted by: heraldguy at May 27, 2005 08:21 AMVery nicely done, Goober. Thank you for the history lesson.
k-bro
Posted by: k-bro at May 27, 2005 08:30 AM"BTW, I heard this morning that Koskie will be out for 2 months because of his broken thumb."
*guilt*
Posted by: CarrieIC at May 27, 2005 08:55 AMSorry, Carrie. I didn't mean to make you feel guilty about it. I guess there are 2 lessons to be learned here: 1)Don't get on your bad side. 2)Sliding head-first is dangerous.
Posted by: ndtf at May 27, 2005 08:58 AMGOOB
Loved the part about the origins of the game. Who knew that our cave ancestors were playing the game we know and love today!
Posted by: metsfan at May 27, 2005 09:08 AMWinning these extra inning games is nice and all, but part of me wished there had been some fisticuffs during series. I think the Twins need a fire lit under their ass so they dont keep spliting series, or going on mere two game winning streaks and deciding thats enough. Doesn't look like the Bitch Sox are coming back to earth any time soon. :(
Posted by: Ryan at May 27, 2005 09:16 AMOk Goober, this totally makes up for the BOD post. But I see you do have a love for the disturbing:
"And the tribes who played it were powered by the force of the vaguely amusing representations they wore stitched to their loincloths (or in the earliest days, their loins)."
Ouch!??!
Posted by: CapitalBabs at May 27, 2005 09:47 AMWell we do play them again in Sept. By then they should be good and cranky being out of the race and all, we could see some fireworks then.
Posted by: HooliganKat at May 27, 2005 10:40 AMGood thing we won. If they'd beat us 3 games to 1 I'm not sure you could call them the 'Toons anymore.
Posted by: Mimiru at May 27, 2005 10:48 AMI too thought it was Batgirl posting this at first.
kind of slow around here today. Are we backing off cause someone asked if any of us had jobs?
Posted by: aurora at May 27, 2005 11:13 AM...trying to get everything cleaned up before the weekend...
Posted by: heraldguy at May 27, 2005 11:19 AMtehehehe,
Great post Goob!
The Captain, who wore his helmet tilted rakishly to the left, was named Cheeseburgerous Sabathios!
too funny!
Happy Holdiay weekend everyone! See you Tuesday, off to have some beverages and hit the greens!
Everybody else just has better jobs than us. They get this thing called "vacation" in their jobs.
Posted by: E at May 27, 2005 11:28 AME-
No kidding! Half of my office is out today because they get vacation time. The one other person who doesn't get vacation days decided to call in "sick." Sure she's sick...
I have vacation time, I'm just scrooge-like with it. We can save it for up to 5 years. Everyone is is supposed to be here today is here surprisingly, we'll see what happens on Tuesday.
Posted by: aurora at May 27, 2005 11:38 AMThe bad news: I have to work today.
The good news: My boss extended my position to last until the end of August.
The really good news: It's Friday (jeans day too!) and I don't have to work Monday.
aurora,
I'll be willing to bet that by 2 o'clock today, many of your co-workers will mysteriously disappear. That's how it is in my office. And I'll be one of the ones disappearing... :-)
k-bro
Posted by: k-bro at May 27, 2005 11:55 AMI'm sure we'll lose at least one, but Tuesday I bet we're 3 short at least.
Posted by: aurora at May 27, 2005 11:56 AMI didn't HAVE to work today - but when you're a temp....you don't get PAID if you don't work. So here I am. :)
Down with Toronto. Sad not to have Koskos about, though.
Posted by: NY-Brian at May 27, 2005 12:00 PMAurora,
I'm the same way with my vacation. I actually have quite a bit left and I can't carry it into next year, but I feel like I have to use it to do something, not just for sitting around.
I was thinking about driving to see the Twins in KC or Milwaukee to use up a day or two.
Posted by: E at May 27, 2005 12:04 PMWell, the good news and the bad news for Minnesotans is that I am still working today. Right now I am writing a speech for one of my boys for a Memorial Day observance.. *shrug* the work never seems to end here.
Posted by: CapitalBabs at May 27, 2005 12:22 PMA little off topic but since I know how much everyone here likes kitties
http://kittenwar.com/
Posted by: mike at May 27, 2005 12:35 PMMike - I've got a feeling kittens are never off-topic around here.
And now I can't stop clicking... I can't decide, Mookie or Kiki, Sleepy or Mouse...
Posted by: Skorch at May 27, 2005 12:40 PME - I've never been to Milwaukee for a game, but KC I love that stadium. Its fabulous. Go there.
Mike, I love that site, the way to waste a lot of work time.
Posted by: aurora at May 27, 2005 12:46 PMWow... some of the cats under "losingest kittens" are really homely.
Posted by: Skorch at May 27, 2005 12:51 PMBut not as bad as my Shannona!
hehe
*cough* I'm "sick" today... *cough*
I had to get an oil change, my tires rotated, air filter replaced... gotta make a "cirle me Bert" sign with a Batgirl logo... make some lunch for the roadtrip...
WOOOOO! I'm going to Toronto!
Posted by: kafumbly at May 27, 2005 01:16 PMFumbly - you guys swinging through NYC at all?
Posted by: NY-Brian at May 27, 2005 01:22 PMI am so glad my parents didn't raise me to be a Royals fan. Click my name to find out why. Warning: The article is heavy on the stats, not so much on the sass.
Posted by: ndtf at May 27, 2005 01:30 PMas much as I absolutely LOVE New York City, it's way too far out of the way.
but maybe I can make it there at the end of July for the Twins' series at Yankee Stadium. :D
Posted by: kafumbly at May 27, 2005 01:31 PMThat would be way cool.
Early end to the day - I am OUTTA here.....
Posted by: NY-Brian at May 27, 2005 01:34 PMI can't believe you're actually driving to Toronto and back in one weekend. Bert had better circle you guys after all that effort!
Posted by: E at May 27, 2005 01:37 PMAlbeit a long weekend...
Posted by: heraldguy at May 27, 2005 01:39 PM"He glanced down at the homespun patch designating that he was a member of the First Minnesota Regiment. On that patch, two burly gents... shook hands across a mighty river. Lt. Stewart thought to himself, "if ye two gentlemen from different settlements can befriend another, then I at the very least can smack the crap out of this chipmunk." Goober knows just enough Minnesota History to get himself into trouble. Just don't call him a "big fat liar!" Veeery amusing Goober, and nice illustrations too!
Posted by: Jen Schultz at May 27, 2005 01:40 PMIf anyone's interested, Kafumbly and I are meeting at Ref's Bar in Brooklyn Center (just east of Brookdale on County Rd 10) to watch the game tonight. She'll be there about 5:30, and I'll get there as soon as I finish my appointment.
Come join us!!!
Posted by: heraldguy at May 27, 2005 02:03 PMBrooklyn Center = too far for me.
Toronto = too far for me.
starting to think I need a car. Or at least a better one.
Posted by: aurora at May 27, 2005 02:07 PMI'll be there in spirit.
Posted by: ndtf at May 27, 2005 02:10 PMToo bad I can't come meet you guys. I'm heading north.
But have a *great* road trip. Drive safely, wear your seat belts, don't speed (too much), blah, blah, blah.
I'll watch for your sign on tv. Go Twins!
k-bro
Posted by: k-bro at May 27, 2005 02:13 PMHello? Is anyone here? *crickets chirping* No? I guess I'll shut off the lights then. *click* Have a good weekend, travel safely, buckle up, have a designated driver or call a cab, blah blah blah.
Posted by: ndtf at May 27, 2005 04:03 PMI'm here! But to be fair, I just walked in the door. Have a good weekend ndtf
Sorry aurora. I thought I was the only batling still at work. Stupid work! I want to go to Toronto!
Posted by: ndtf at May 27, 2005 04:08 PMI'm not still at work, I work 7-3:30, but am at home, and since I have to work my part-time job tomorrow I'll echo.
Stupid work! I want to go to Toronto!
Posted by: aurora at May 27, 2005 04:11 PMStupid huge distance! I want to go to Toronto!
Posted by: CarrieIC at May 27, 2005 04:19 PMStupid huge distance! I want to go to Toronto!
If I didn't live 8 hours west/northwest of Minneapolis, I would go, but there's no way I'd be back in time for work on Tuesday. Maybe it's time for me to rethink this whole living close to my family thing.
Posted by: ndtf at May 27, 2005 04:34 PMI realize my last comment doesn't sound very nice. Perhaps I should rephrase. Maybe it's time I try living somewhere other than North Dakota.
Posted by: ndtf at May 27, 2005 04:38 PMYAY! That was a very interesting lesson!
I do still love how Davis was sent to AAA.
Posted by: Stacy at May 27, 2005 04:59 PMTo give some Batlings another time-killer while waiting for the opening pitch of the Toronto series, and also operating under the assumption that neither BG nor Team BG are going to want to seem egotistical by tooting BG's horn, let me point out this outstanding piece on the Rake's online version:
http://www.rakemag.com/angle/detail.asp?catID=40&itemID=20777
Posted by: David Michael Wintheiser at May 27, 2005 05:22 PMmove down here ndtf. baseball is way more important than family. And its better here than ND. I can say that I lived there.
Posted by: aurora at May 27, 2005 05:32 PMi just read the funniest thing on foxsports.com.
the author said he was starting to think the twins cursed the players that left them via trade, free agency, etc. (e.g. dougie, cristian, koskos, milton, the hawk, eddie)
i mean, is this guy just figuring it out now?
hasn't he ever heard of Twinkerbell? once you leave the twins, Twinkerbell's magic dust doesn't work anymore. EVERYBODY knows that...
Many excellent touches, Goober. Actually, quite Batgirl-esque in the sense that many of us who are simple baseball fans find ourselves forced to learn something about, like, history along the way as the price of learning how that game came out.
Thanks,
Roy Hobbs
Posted by: Roy Hobbs at May 27, 2005 09:21 PMkierra... unless you're david ortiz?
Posted by: aussie at May 28, 2005 10:08 AM