Toronto at Twins. Twins 4, Blue Jays 0.
In the past couple of weeks, really ever since the glory that was Cupcake Day, the Twins have been looking very much like a team that can actually convert with the bases loaded. This has been quite an adjustment for Twins fans everywhere, given that in previous weeks, well…let's just say it didn't go so well. Still, we fans can't help but feel a tremendous anxiety every time the bases are juiced—perhaps it's even worse now knowing that, when someone comes up with three on, there's a chance we might score; as opposed to before when we knew they were going to fail spectacularly and yet couldn't seem to turn our eyes away from the horror (the horror). We'd expelled the demons, yes, but demons have a way of coming back and biting you on the ass.
So, in the third inning today, when the score was tied at zero and Juan Castro, Luis Rivas, and Luke Fordwalker graced the bases, one could not help but be a little nervous. It was kind of cute, because you could feel the Blue Jays getting worried, I mean the bases were loaded and our 4 and 5 hitters were coming up; they had no idea we were all far more terrified than they.
Well, as goes the way of these things, those 4 and 5 hitters completely forgot everything Batgirl had taught them and began to swing wildly at the ball, and oh, the demons came back then. They came back and opened their jaws as widely as they could and, with a mighty chomp, sunk their teeth deep into the buttocks of Justin Morneau and Torii Hunter, respectively. End of threat.
In fact, those pesky demons had gotten their fangs so deeply into the lush, muscular butt cheeks of hitters 4 and 5, respectively, that they suffered serious jaw cramps and could not release themselves from said butt cheeks after the striking out was over, and so for the rest of the game Justin and Torii had to walk around with demons attached to their asses. Whenever they weren't in the field, they were being worked on by a frantic training staff (Though really, Batgirl thinks this is a problem Twins' trainers should know a thing or two about by now.) who poked, pulled, and prodded at the demons, to no avail. Whenever Morneau and Hunter took the field, the demons would sort of sway back and forth behind them, their little ass-demon legs dangling in the air.
You'd think the whole affair would be a lesson to demonkind—I mean, think of the TMJ! But demons are persistent little buggers, and when the Twins once again had the bases loaded in the sixth inning, a few more began to swarm around the batter's box. The game was still tied at zed—Joe Mays and Gusatvo Chachin making like staff aces, and this time, the Twins had nobody out. (Again, scary if you're the opposing team, much, much scarier if you're us because it's that much worse when you don't convert with bases loaded and no outs. Trust us. We know.)
Well, Michael Cuddyer came to the plate, and he scanned the scene in front of him. The runners on second and third had demons attached to their asses and the runner on first was Matthew LeCroy, and it all looked quite dire.
"It's up to me," he said. "Oh, and nothing is anywhere either present or absent."
To the everyday viewer, it seemed that Michael Cuddyer proceeded to have an incredible at bat, one where he fouled off pitch after pitch after pitch after pitch until he found one he could drive, but the truth is he was just wiggling around a lot trying to keep the damn demons from biting his ass. Nonetheless, it proved effective—Cuddyer proceeded to have a thirteen pitch AB, fouling off pitches 3-6 and 8-12 until he finally laced a double to left scoring hitters 4 and 5. One Naked Batting Practice single later and the Twins were ahead 4-0, and the demons lost interest in our boys.
Meanwhile, Joe Mays, who in recent games had managed to pitch fairly well in the early innings and then have some kind of apocalyptic nuclear meltdown on the mound as the games wore on, somehow kept getting guys out. It looked like there might be some trouble in the 7th when two Blue Jays singled with one out, but a quick DP later, and all was well. Then, since he'd only had about 34 pitches in the game, Mays came out in the 8th, gave up two singles and got out of the inning again, and in the 9th he strode out and pitched himself into a complete game shutout.
When asked what had changed this time around, he said, "Well, you know, I usually get so stressed out out there as the game goes on. I feel myself getting tired and I start pressing. And when guys get on I worry too much and it gets in my head and I start making mistakes. But today every time I went out on the mound, I'd look around me and there'd be demons dangling from guys' asses. It's pretty hard to take yourself too seriously when two of the guys behind you have demons hanging from their ass."
He laughed and shook his head. "Now I know what the secret is. Got to put a demon on a guy's ass every time!"
At which point tomorrow's starter, Carlos Silva, looked up, thought for a moment and then called, "Hey, Lew, come over here, will ya? I want to show you something."
I'm sitting here trying to come up with something witty and funny and interesting. I've got nothin'. Absolutely nothing. Anything I can type pales in comparison to what I just read. I'm giddy over a 93-pitch CG shutout, I have tears drying on my cheeks thanks to "demons on asses!", and "Luke Fordwalker"made my stomach hurt from the laughter.... yet I can't think of anything funny to say. Wow, just wow. :-D
Posted by: joel. at May 19, 2005 07:50 PMhahahaha... what a freakin' riot. Luke Fordwalker... nice.
beautiful work, BG. beautiful.
(I sure hope I get to see some demons hanging off of asses at tomorrow's game!)
Posted by: kafumbly at May 19, 2005 07:51 PMThere is one thing in life that is certain: Win or lose, Batgirl will make us laugh until our sides hurt. I'm still giggling over "a rookie Terry Mulholland" from yesterday, and now I can laugh at the demons and Twins fans being far more terrified than the opposition when the bases are loaded and Joe Mays 34 pitches and Lew Fordwalker and...well, it's just all very amusing. I'm grateful for the laughter, Batgirl!
Posted by: Just Beth at May 19, 2005 08:35 PMI love the Twins on Thursdays...they're 5-0! Didn't someone comment that Cordel should have his thumbs broken for stealing el Presidente's mojo? careful what you wish for i guess.
Posted by: hen at May 19, 2005 09:19 PMoh, wow, hen... you're right! that's really scary.
and Stewie got #1 Web Gem for a great catch on a Hinske fly.
Posted by: kafumbly at May 19, 2005 09:31 PMYay, Stewie! "Victory is mine!"
It was a sweet catch, it really was. It made me happy I was there to see it.
Posted by: Nick at May 19, 2005 09:35 PMYAY! Great game today! And great blog, BG...as always!
Posted by: Stacy at May 19, 2005 09:46 PM>>their little ass-demon legs dangling in the air.
Heheheheh. Kind of reminds me of the squirrel story about my grandparents.
Posted by: mmmarkiep at May 20, 2005 01:24 AMaw, Corey... click my name for a Toronto Star article on the poor guy and his thumb. you'll have to register to read it, but it's free.
Posted by: kafumbly at May 20, 2005 06:39 AMLuke Fordwalker. hee.
It was CarrieIC that said we should break Koskie's thumbs. That girl got power.
Posted by: aurora at May 20, 2005 07:45 AMHeh. Luke Fordwalker. Heh. Hehehheh.
Posted by: Katharriet at May 20, 2005 08:22 AMClick my name for an article from today's PiPress about Joe Mays. He wants to stay with the Twins after this year!
"Twins baseball is my kind of baseball. I want them to know I love this place."
Posted by: ndtf at May 20, 2005 08:31 AM"Didn't someone comment that Cordel should have his thumbs broken for stealing el Presidente's mojo? careful what you wish for i guess."
Oh My God.
I guess I should be more careful what I say...
Posted by: CarrieIC at May 20, 2005 08:44 AMDear CarrieIC,
My, what strong powers you have.
Yours,
k-bro
Today is a good day for two very important reasons. The Crappy Dial-Up has allowed me to saty online long enough to read a couple days worth of Bat-Girl and I'm going to the game tonight! First of the season! Though, I don't expect to see Luke Fordwalker in the line-up, what with his having seen SWE3 about 9 times already. Little bugger needs a break.
Posted by: Ryan at May 20, 2005 09:07 AMDear CarrieIC,
I'd like for you to say that I should get a raise please.
Fondly,
aurora
this is off the topic a little, but is anyone else heading out to Monticello tomorrow morning to see The Chairman and The Doctor??? Together in one room??? I can hardly contain myself. Just a little angry that I didn't get around to buying a boyfriend T.
Posted by: Amy at May 20, 2005 09:09 AMCarrie: remind me not to piss you off in any way.
BG: I think we have a new official nickname for our scrappy "utility outfielder" Luke Fordwalker it is.
*sigh*
and I have to admit to a certain amount of jealousy for little demons somewhere in the area of hitters 4 & 5... *drool*
and I WISH I could go to Monticello tomorrow - but I will be working. *SIGH* maybe on a Twins stadium bill??? maybe..
Posted by: CapitalBabs at May 20, 2005 09:26 AMDear Amy,
I live near Monticello, so mr.-bro's going to take teen-bro and little-bro to see them. I'd go myself, but I had some minor surgery yesterday and am too sore to stand around for a long time.
Yours,
k-bro
Ah Batgirl, you almost got me in trouble. I recently started a new job in the health care business and have had the joy of learning phrases like Temporomandibular Joint Disorder. When reading your sight when I was supposed to be working on scenarios in class I could not help but burst out in laughter at the TMJ reference! Good thing the trainers are nice!
Great win yesterday! How about Lohse and Mays picking up Santana! I was a big discouraged after Tuesday's poor showing. But the last 2 great pitching performances have reminded me what great depth of talent we have!
Posted by: soccerfan at May 20, 2005 09:43 AMAhhh, Batgirl. What can I say?
You are turning me, single-handed, into a Twins fan. When you get your new ballpark, I'll be there in a heartbeat.
I may actaully head over to the Cell this season to root on the Twins over the hated Bitch Sox.
(Said Bitch Sox are at Wrigley this weekend taking on my Cubs, who are leaking fluids like Butch and Sundance wrapped up in Curt Schilling's sock. Any advice for holding down the Sox -- and their fans??)
Both of my boyfriends together? Must resist urge to drive... Must remind myself I have to go to the farm this weekend... Crap. I can't go anyway. Payday is too far away and I'm still holding out hope that one day they'll ask a trivia question I can answer on the radio when they're giving away Twins tickets. This morning the trivia prize was an American Idol CD. And I was on the phone when they played the $600 song yesterday too.
Posted by: ndtf at May 20, 2005 09:58 AMBTW... Carrie, do you think you could will my phone to stop ringing? It's been driving me nuts for the past two days! Stupid work...
Posted by: ndtf at May 20, 2005 10:05 AMRyan: You said it. I didn't think Lew would be in the lineup until Monday at least -- I thought he'd be in the lineup outside the theater! And I bet he cried when (spoiler alert!) Anakin turned to the dark side.
Posted by: Roscoe at May 20, 2005 10:10 AMI think I better seek out Yoda (aka Ray Miller) before I try any more baseball mind tricks.
Posted by: CarrieIC at May 20, 2005 10:11 AMCarrie, I am in awe of your power. the most I've ever managed to will into existence is cake. I emailed a friend of mine with "I want cake!" and then somebody walked by my cube with cake, and I got to have some. it wasn't even anyone's birthday or anything! hmmm... I wonder if it'll work again, because now I want cake...
Posted by: kafumbly at May 20, 2005 10:14 AMHi, tom. Best luck with that whole cubs-bitchsox thing. I'm missing these games to go see "Take Me Out" at the Steppenwolf (although it is a traveling company, so no Gary Sinese or John Malkovich). A baseball play, instead of playing baseball.
As I mentioned in another thread, I tried politely asking some truly obnoxious Sox fans to please keep it clean, you know, for the kids. It sort of worked. But it could also get you punched in the head. Pick your battles. Remember, it is an aptly named stadium. Also remember, though, that even given the current records, Cubs fans will probably outnumber Sox fans at the Cell.
Posted by: hrunting at May 20, 2005 10:28 AMCompletely off topic, the guy in the cube next to mine is a BitchSox fan, and has been listening to their games. MAN, is that BitchSox announcer annoying-- now I know what the rest of y'all have been talking about.
Posted by: Katharriet at May 20, 2005 10:33 AMThanks, hrunting. I'm not heading to any of the interleague games in person. Don't want to have to deal with any of that, especially with a 6-year-old in tow. I will try to get out to the Cell this summer when the Twins are in town, though.
Posted by: tom at May 20, 2005 10:37 AMI don't think we have to worry about any demons on Fordwalker's adorkable behind. He can just use his lightsaber on them. Not as clumsy or as random as a blaster, but an elegant weapon for a more civilized age. For over a thousand generations, the Twins Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. Before the dark times, before the Empire of Bud.
And if that doesn't work then I'm sure that he can use the force on the Brewers. Remember the force can have a strong influence on the weak minded.
Posted by: metsfan at May 20, 2005 10:48 AMi just read the SI article on El Presidente. awwwww.... i didn't think it was possible to love him even more.
Posted by: Say Rah! at May 20, 2005 11:07 AMHas anyone else noticed that the Twins have a better record then the CrapSox outside of the Central, but Those Who Bitch have a 5.5 game lead on us in games played within the division? What should that tell us?
Posted by: Florida at May 20, 2005 11:12 AM
Speaking of Mr. Fordwalker, I had a most embarassing moment in the stands at the Dome yesterday when, while sporting my treasured, autographed, and currently irreplacable "Lew Ford is my Boyfriend" T-shirt, I passed the players' wives' section and found myself face-to-face with none other than the REAL Mrs. Fordwalker herself. AND both the mini-Fordwalkers (damn, they're cute).
She pretended not to notice. That's one classy babe.
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at May 20, 2005 11:16 AMCarrie, if you're gonna use powers, how about you get Gardy and TRyan to change their minds about Bartlett. There's still time, please help them to see this is a HUUUUUUUUGE MISTAKE:O
Posted by: I <3 mntWINs at May 20, 2005 11:18 AMShe is just a beautiful human being.. and the kidlets.. well.. damn they are adorkable too!!
Posted by: CapitalBabs at May 20, 2005 11:18 AMP.S. "...the lush, muscular butt cheeks of hitters 4 and 5..."
Now THAT's quality writing! Oh, my...
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at May 20, 2005 11:23 AManother good write-up of yesterday's events, with a little Koskie prank story mixed in. I don't remember if you have to register for this one, but it's free, anyway. click my name for the article.
Posted by: kafumbly at May 20, 2005 12:14 PMSince I live in Monticello I will most definately be in line for Misters Mauer and Morneau. I'm bringing my 18 year old sister who will most likely have two more "hot guys" to drool over by the time we leave.
Posted by: Saajak at May 20, 2005 12:22 PMFamous Misquotes (actually about the Twins):
"4 score and 7 left on base" -- Abraham Lincoln commenting on last nights game.
"The Senators are proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" -- Benjamin Franklin about his favorite team (outside of the Philadelphia Athletics that is)
"We will crush you!" -- Nikita Khrushchev, noted Bitch Sox fan, before the 2001 season.
"What, me worry" - Alfred E. Newman, Mad magazine spokesman and Twins third base coach responding to Little Nicky Khrushchev
"Santana is a pitcher at whom everyone is afraid to laugh" -- Voltaire upon seeing El Presidente's nastiness
"Pass the Ketchup" -- Matthew LeCroy, virtually anytime
The other night, I believe it was Wednesday's game, the Lil' Fordwalkers were in the dugout before the game and the Doctor was arm curling them and tossin' them around like little sacks of potatoes.
Posted by: HooliganKat at May 20, 2005 12:35 PMJustin and Joe in one place...damnit why do i live in Iowa!!!!!!!!! Someone take a pic for me:)
Posted by: Mic at May 20, 2005 12:38 PMHooliganKat-
They showed that on TV when they came back from a commercial... I figured it was probably a little Fordwalker. Sigh, my Canadian boyfriend is good with kids too... Now if he could just get that bases loaded ass-bat problem taken care of...
*mouth goes dry again* seriously Hooligan?!?
god... I would have been a puddle. Nothing like a big good-looking guy playing with kidlets for me. TOTAL turn on...
Posted by: CapitalBabs at May 20, 2005 12:43 PMErr--can someone give me info on The Doctor and The Chairman being in Monticello? I just got a call from Big Brother last night requesting my presence at his abode in Monticello, to watch his canine. If I'm going to be in Monticello, and Wee Sister's Boyfriend is going to be there, well...
(How much you wanna bet Lew's wife was thinking, "I need to get me one of those shirts!"?)
Posted by: Just Beth at May 20, 2005 12:44 PMCarrieIC,
here's a link to a Boston Globe article that says nice things about your O's, and I really like his attitude about the Yanks. I'd have just emailed the link to you, but that feature doesn't seem to be working at the moment here.
Posted by: kafumbly at May 20, 2005 12:44 PMSeriously CapitalBabs, I almost rushed the field to give him a big smackeroo, it was so adorable.
Anyone going to the game tonight or this weekend?
Posted by: HooliganKat at May 20, 2005 01:18 PMHere's the facts on the Monticello appearance:
Gould Chevrolet, just off I-94 in Monticello. Saturday, May 21, 9am - Noon. Autographs from 9:30 am - 11:00 am. Free autographs, free quickswing station and homerun area.
k-bro
Posted by: k-bro at May 20, 2005 01:20 PMThanks, k-Bro! I'll probably be there!
(And, yes, big guys playing with little kids is always something that makes melt! I wish I could've seen Justin with the little Fords (whom I refer to as Fiesta and Focus--someone else here suggested those names long ago)).
Posted by: Just Beth at May 20, 2005 01:28 PMHmm. I'd like the meet the lugs, but I'll be traipsing around on the Superior Hiking Trail. Probably in thunderstorms according to the forecast.
Posted by: mmmarkiep at May 20, 2005 01:40 PMwow, the Yankees got their asses handed to them by a girl! ha! click my name for the link.
you go, chica!
(and I have to work on Saturday. *grumble* but I'll try to get to the game, since it's not on TV.)
Posted by: kafumbly at May 20, 2005 02:04 PMI was just walking down the street and Sweetcheeks drove by,I was wearing my Justin Morneau Twins T-shirt, so he waved and honked. What a swell guy.
Posted by: HooliganKat at May 20, 2005 02:33 PMGRRRRRR
This just in't gonna be easy, is it? Anyone living in Mpls needs to contact these twits and set them straight...
http://www.twincities.com/mld/twincities/news/local/11690939.htm
You know, if the City wants to be included, they could fund the roof....
What a bunch of schmucks that they're just NOW saying something.
Posted by: mmmarkiep at May 20, 2005 02:48 PMThe issue actually came up late last week, I believe, it just takes news a little longer to get across the river.
Posted by: heraldguy at May 20, 2005 02:50 PMHaha, Yanks...
Seriously though -- I don't care what age level, whether male or female. 18 up, 18 down all by strikeout is ridiculously impressive (and in 2 games, 33 up, 33 down, 32 by strikeout?!?!?)
Hey Steinbrenner -- sign her up! :)
Floored,
YankeeFan
Why are the Cubs so bad?
Why do they play so many "outs" in the lineup?
Is Greg Maddux done?
Do the Cubs call Blanco "Mango Face?"
So many questions . . .
Hooligan,
I'll be at the game tonight. My friend and I will be mourning the loss of Bart. Section 117. Wish I could have seen our boyfriend lifting children. Though I can take or leave children...
hmmm @ ForMorneau
I have a feeling the bicep curls would be enough to trip your trigger even if you didn't get the estrogen surge at the sight of the tots.
I just get the double whammy...
Posted by: CapitalBabs at May 20, 2005 03:35 PMI think this will be good for JB. He goes down, gets some field work in and gets his swing (and confidence) back. It's not a demotion, it's a chance to work on some things in an environment that has less pressure than a 4th straight division title hunt.
Oh, and where are the Cuddyer haters now? C'mon, you know who you are! ;-)
Posted by: mmmarkiep at May 20, 2005 03:41 PM"I have a feeling the bicep curls would be enough to trip your trigger..."
see, this is why it's so awesome to be a woman sports fan: because not only can we appreciate the athleticism and talent, but we can also appreciate "the lush, muscular butt cheeks."
ahhh, heaven...
Posted by: kafumbly at May 20, 2005 03:54 PM"the lush, muscular butt cheeks"
One of my favorite things about going to games.
Posted by: ndtf at May 20, 2005 04:00 PMAh yes, the joys of being a girl and a baseball fan. I love when I talk baseball with my guy friends, that I can talk stats, but then throw in some sass.
I think we should all thank Batgirl for showing the world that sass is a very important aspect of enjoying the game.
Posted by: HooliganKat at May 20, 2005 04:24 PMHear,hear! Three cheers for Batgirl and her sass!
hip, hip, hooray....
k-bro
Posted by: k-bro at May 20, 2005 04:30 PMkafumbly -- awesome, awesome article.
Posted by: CarrieIC at May 20, 2005 04:31 PMI just found this article on ESPN about the Twins infield. I love what he says about LNP. I think he may have heard about LNP's alter-ego, LNPTS. Click my name for the link.
Posted by: ndtf at May 20, 2005 04:32 PMFinal in Chicago: Bitch Sox 5, Cubs 1
Posted by: ndtf at May 20, 2005 04:43 PMIf Selig hadn't gerrymandered the divisions to get the Brewers into a lopsided N.L. Central, who would the Twins have played as interleague rivals? Rockies maybe?
Not a single earned run given up today by Pitch Sox hurlers.
Flitcraft: I'd love to see the Twinkies play the Cubs.
kafumbly: I can appreciate female beach volleball on both counts of athleticism and hot bods, plus we get to see more skin (to the point of ridiculousness, probably). Of course, we don't get 162 matches a year.
Posted by: Mark at May 20, 2005 06:38 PMThe Dbacks were originally intended to move to the AL after a couple seasons in the NL. Colangelo and company fought hard and successfully against it. It was only after that fell through that the Brewers were moved.
obscure and (of course) boyfriend-related word of the day:
metasthenic: n. having strong hindquarters
logophilically,
aussie
Posted by: aussie at May 20, 2005 08:10 PMYes, the Mighty Cubs have fallen.
@&$* Bitch Sox.
We'll get 'em tomorrow.