Toronto at Twins. Twins 3, Blue Jays 2.
Did you know how the term "bullpen" came to be?
It all began in the early days of baseball, only a decade or so after Abner Doubleday—with a dream in his heart and a Whizzinator in his pocket—single-handedly and incontrovertibly invented the game we love so today. A young team located in the Northern Heartland, playing for the glory of a new state renowned for both the bounty of its lakewater and the unparalleled handsomeness of its women, was playing for its fourth consecutive division championship. But the team had suffered several key off-season losses—most particularly a taciturn lamplighter by the name of Corbert Koskossen, and the nefarious and perfidious Flax Wenches of Chicago had been playing far beyond expectations.
The problem for the Pig's Eye Chimney Sweeps was a matter of budget, for their owner, a local railroad baron, was a renowned tightass. He wouldn't even give the Chimney Sweeps a retractable roof on their new stadium, and Aprils were cold in Pig's Eye. Indeed, that year a strange cold snap had hit the area and as the baseball season began a healthy young man couldn't walk more than a few paces without freezing his arse off. The weather was not helping the team in their pursuit of the Flax Wenches one bit, and left to their own devices, the players got together and decided to form a plan.
"We've got to raise some money for a roof," said Shannon Stewmperdink.
"I'm going to die if we have to play in this weather anymore," said Mattias Leijonhufvud, even though he had a lot of extra padding.
"Really, it's not so bad," said Justus Mornorgbergsson. "I find it quite balmy." (Mornorgbergsson hailed from the mythical land of Canadia and was said to live in an igloo in the off-season.)
"So how are we going to get the money?" asked Stewmperdink, ignoring Mornorgbergsson.
"Well," interjected closer Josef Nathannlund. "I have an idea."
"Really?" said ace Johan Santanagrenstrom.
"Well, the boys and I aren’t doing a lot back there in the designated relief pitchers' waiting area," said Nathannlund. "Maybe we could milk some cows? Then we could sell the milk to the fans and eventually we'd have enough money for a retractable roof!"
"Wow, that's brilliant!" said a rookie named Terry Mulholland.
"Wheeeee!" exclaimed Jan Rincongius. "Milking cows rules!"
"I agree," enthused Isse "the Train" Cranheim.
And so the boys put all their savings together and sent second baseman Little Nikolaus von Punto to retrieve the best herd of cows he possibly could.
Unfortunately, Little Nikolaus was a dreamer, and as everyone knows, the worst person to send on an important errand is a dreamer. For, on his way to the market, the dreamer might meet an old friend—Corbert Koskossen—and that old friend might decide to play a trick on the diminutive lad, for Corbert Koskossen was as renowned for his mischievousness as he was for his devastating good looks.
And, indeed, that is what happened.
"Why, hello, Little Nikolaus! What are you doing?"
"Well, I am going to market to buy a herd of cows. The boys in the designated relief pitchers' waiting area are going to milk the cows during the games and we're going to sell the milk and raise money for a retractable roof so we stop freezing to death and can make up ground on the nefarious and perfidious Flax Wenches."
"Really?" said Koskossen. "I find it quite balmy. ...Well, anyway, Little Nikolaus, a herd of cows isn't what you want. What you want are magic beans!"
"I do?"
"Yes!" Just plant these magic beans and a beanstalk will grow and you can climb it to a place where all your dreams comes true."
"Really?" said Little Nikolaus. "That sounds pretty sweet!"
"Oh, it is. So just give me all the money and I’ll give you the beans, 'kay?"
"Sure, Corbert! Boy, you're really nice!"
So, with that, the exchange was made. Koskossen pulled a handful of beans out of his bag, careful not to disturb the vial of Mojo he had lifted the day before, and put them in Little Nikolaus's hands. Happy, Little Nikolaus skipped all the way back to Henry Sibley Park.
"Look!" he squealed when he got there.
"Where's the damn cows?" asked Nathanlund.
"I didn't get cows. I got something better. Magic BEANS!"
The players exchanged looks. "You exchanged all our savings for magic beans?" exclaimed Nathanlund.
"Yes!" said Little Nikolaus. "I ran into Corbert Koskossen, and he—"
"Oh, no!" all the players said at once. "You can't trust him. What were you thinking?"
"He said it would make all my dreams come true!" protested Little Nikolaus.
"That's what you get," muttered Isse Cranheim, "when you send a midget to do a man's job."
"I'll show you," said Little Nikolaus. "I'm going to plant those beans in the designated relief pitchers' waiting area, and a magic beanstalk is going to grow, and I'm going to climb it and steal a golden harp and a goose that lays golden eggs and give the money for the retractable roof and all my dreams are going to come true!"
"You know what you'll be planting in the designated relief pitchers' waiting area?" said Nathanlun. "Bull----. That's what you'll be planting."
"That's right," said Jan Rincongius. "It won't even be a designated relief pitchers' waiting area anymore. It'll be an area of bull----. A whole bull---- area."
"Yeah," sneered the rest of the team.
Well, to make a long story short, Little Nikolaus von Punto planted the beans anyway, and soon a mighty beanstalk grew, and Little Nikolaus climbed it up up up to the heavens and found a castle of a mighty giant, and that giant had a golden harp and a goose that laid golden eggs, but most importantly, he had a really well-defined sense of smell and it wasn't long before he found Little Nikolaus, picked him up in his fingers, plopped him in his mouth, and swallowed without even chewing.
But all Little Nikolaus had ever wanted was to make a lasting contribution on the game of baseball, and in his memory, the Pig's Eye Chimney Sweeps renamed the designated relief pitchers' waiting area the "area of bull—" and in that, Little Nikolaus von Punto's dreams did come true. And one day, when Corbert Koskossen came back to town with his team of Eskimos, the pitchers in that "area of bull—", Cranheim, Rincongius, and Nathannlund came out of the "area of bull—" and pitched a fierce game, retiring the Eskimos in order in innings sju, atta, and nio. And, as Nathannlund got the last batter to fly out, he looked over to the beanstalk, followed it up to the clouds with his eyes, and said, "This one's for you, Little Nikolaus von Punto. Dream well, my friend, dream well."
Posted by Batgirl at May 18, 2005 11:36 PMWell, we all knew that some version of LNP was going to get eaten sooner or later. I'm amazed it took this long. Batgirl, you make my heart sin.. uh .. swirl. You make all the world... grooovy.
Posted by: mmmarkiep at May 18, 2005 11:55 PM"...a rookie named Terry Mulholland."
Perfect! Priceless! Hilarious! :-D
Posted by: joel. at May 19, 2005 12:21 AM"Where's the damn cows?" asked Nathanlund.
That totally cracked me up! For some reason, I can totally hear the veep saying that!
Posted by: Stacy at May 19, 2005 12:22 AMMy two favorite parts! I second y'all's motions.
Posted by: mmmarkiep at May 19, 2005 12:39 AMTears of laughter...and gasping for breath. I have learned the hard way not to be drinking something while reading Batgirl!
Another great post.
Posted by: talldrinkowater at May 19, 2005 12:53 AMgood stuff BG! as a die-hard Astros fan mired in a season of ass-bats, I can at least root for the Twins! (and the Mariners... they've always been my AL team of choice, but alas, they suck as well.)
oh, and if you press alt+134 (in that order) then release you get the å in åtta :-)
(ja, jag prata svenska... den är ju en mycken vacker sprak!)
Rincongius.
Posted by: TD at May 19, 2005 01:57 AMEven though I haven't seen much of the Twins this season (and likely won't, unless Swiss TV suddenly gets a whole lot better), I feel as though I was at the game last night. Thank you, BatGirl. Your genius never ceases to amaze.
Posted by: anita at May 19, 2005 03:03 AMLittle Nikolaus von Punto! nooooooo!!!
*sigh* well, he has hurt himself yet again, so I guess it was inevitable that he'd get himself eaten.
(shhhh... don't tell Tumbleweed.)
>>"Wheeeee!" exclaimed Jan Rincongius. "Milking cows rules!"
Posted by: kafumbly at May 19, 2005 06:40 AM
"That's what you get, when you send a midget to do a man's job"
hahahaha, poor little NP, always getting picked on....all he wanted was to make dreams come true.
hehe, another great on BG.
thanks for starting my day on the right foot!
~Michelle
Madame BG, this was truly splendid.
Posted by: QJW at May 19, 2005 08:03 AMThis was just what I needed after once again not knowing the answer to the trivia question for Twins-Yankees tickets. Why do they ask a Star Wars question when they're giving away Twins tickets?!?!? Oh well... Eventually they'll ask a question I can answer.
Posted by: ndtf at May 19, 2005 08:18 AMMan oh man. Priceless. Simply priceless.
Especially the idea of Abner Doubleday with a Whizzinator.
Posted by: Katharriet at May 19, 2005 08:23 AMBTW, for any Star Wars fans out there... George Lucas has 2 pieces of Star Wars memorabilia in his office. One is an R2D2 mask. The other is a coffee mug. Which Star Wars character is on the coffe mug?
Posted by: ndtf at May 19, 2005 08:33 AMLittle Nikolaus von Punto gave me indigestion. I think he needed a bath.
Posted by: The Giant at May 19, 2005 08:55 AMndtf, is it Chewie?
Posted by: Jose at May 19, 2005 09:11 AMNope... I don't know the answer because I had to go in to work. It wasn't Chewie, Jabba, Yoda, Darth, Princess Leia, Luke Skywalker or Anakin Skywalker. If it was Jar Jar Binks, I'm going to be very angry because that was the answer I thought of as I walked into the office.
Posted by: ndtf at May 19, 2005 09:16 AM
I totally just looked up "perfidious." Batgirl, your blog has done wonders for my vocabulary.
Also, "ass-crap!"
Posted by: Batgirl at May 19, 2005 09:30 AMoh my god BG... you continue to outdo yourself.
I wore a skirt to work today you know - that can lead to all sorts of embarrassment when one ends up rolling on the floor in laughter!!
If I get a reprimand, its all your fault!! (Of course if I get a date out of it, I will in turn have to give you the credit...)
Posted by: CapitalBabs at May 19, 2005 09:30 AMDearest ndtf,
According to some information gleened by googling, he has an R2 cookie jar and a Wookie mug.
Helpfully,
BG
I'm going to find some way to use that word in a sentence today if it kills me.
(Perfidious, that is. Not "ass crap." I use that one on a daily basis already.)
Anyone else blowing off work to go to the game today?
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at May 19, 2005 09:34 AMI'm sad that you chose the Swedish translation of the 7-8-9 innings when it's obvious that Cranheim, Rincongius, and Nathannlund are solid Norwegians. Sju-åtte-ni!
...and this close to 17. Mai. The date when the Norwegians powered out from under the rule of the Swedemongers becomming the global dominant power in sweater and whitefish exportation. Fyyyyyy faaaaaaan!
Posted by: hoskenpowellruledtheworld at May 19, 2005 09:34 AMBG-
Thanks for the info. Now that I think about it, they did say cookie jar. It's been a stressful hour and a half already! Hopefully they'll ask a question about something I know tomorrow. One way or another, I will acquire tickets to another Twins game this year.
Like others, this was a brilliant entry, but the line "...a rookie named Terry Mulholland" absolutely made me roll on the floor laughing. (And, yeah, I'm wearing a skirt, too.)
Another great hit, Batgirl!
Posted by: Just Beth at May 19, 2005 09:49 AMI am pleased to have added "ass-crap" to my vocabulary that already includes such wonders as "butt-ass," "sons of bitches," and one that I can't (well, shouldn't) post here. :)
"ass" is the best word, ever, and I am happy to have another phrase in which to use it.
thanks, Batgirl!
Posted by: kafumbly at May 19, 2005 09:57 AMWhat a coincidence, my boss and I were just discussing the origins of the Bull Pen this morning, and lo and behold a wonderful tale of the origin. I think Batgirl's version is much better.
Okay, where to start. Kyle, please keep tying your right shoelaces first, shower only in the second stall, don't step on any cracks and all that jazz. That is exactly the kind of performance we need from you. Nice job!
Does anyone else think Dimples might have stolen the Doctor's mojo? He was on fire the Doctor was 0 for 4 yesterday. The Homerun contest between Dimples and Lil Sweetcheeks was beautiful. Especially seeing as Lil Sweetcheeks is on my fantasy baseball team.
I just read the Johan article in Sports Illustrated. It's really good.
Last night a fight broke out in 214, in all my games I've been to, I've never seen a fight break out. I think it was over Koskos.
I wish I could play hooky and go to the game today, alas, I cannot, so that will make 2 games I've missed this year. Although and 18-2 record isn't all bad.
Posted by: HooliganKat at May 19, 2005 09:58 AMNow that I've gotten over not winning tickets, here's my input on today's entry:
I wouldn't recommend having pitchers milk cows. I grew up on a dairy farm. I milked cows until I graduated from high school. Cows sometimes kick, and it hurts like hell. Broken bones aren't uncommon. Corbert Koskossen actually did the Twins a favor by selling Little Nikolaus von Punto the magic beans. Besides, cows have tendencies to make cow pies that don't smell so great and they also need grass to eat. I don't imagine the turf would be too tasty to a cow.
Posted by: ndtf at May 19, 2005 09:58 AMTwinsGoddess, I WISH I could blow off work to go to the game. alas, I have no vacation time. :(
Posted by: kafumbly at May 19, 2005 09:58 AM*sigh*
Poor Kyle. He finally has a good outing, and so Mr. Reusse feels the need to write an article about how much he sucks. I hope Kyle read BG instead of the Strib today.
Posted by: Stacy at May 19, 2005 10:03 AMTwinsGoddess, I'll be in section 119 with two co-workers and a friend. Look for us. Spike
Posted by: Spike at May 19, 2005 11:39 AM"Last night a fight broke out in 214, in all my games I've been to, I've never seen a fight break out"
You know, that stataement surprised me, especially from a person with a name like HooliganKat. You should visit the Bronx sometime...toughen you up :)
BG, this is just piling on, but your talents are being wasted here -- why don't you write a novel or something? :)
Gleefully attempting to picture Mulholland as a rookie (photography wasn't invented until the 1820s i think),
YankeeFan
You know, this is what happens when you send a second baseman to do a relief pitcher's job. Mulholland was totally the youngest in the pen--*he* should have gone!
Posted by: mk at May 19, 2005 12:03 PMkafumbly -
I also have "butt-ass" in my vocabulary, but having grown up in Minnesota, it has only one application: "Man, it is butt-ass cold today." This makes no sense whatsoever, unless one has actually been out on a butt-ass cold day.
Do you hear the term in broader usage?
Stacy -
I saw the headline for Reusse's article, and couldn't bear to read it. I think someone has sprinkled mean on his cereal. Again. Or do you think he just writes easy columns way ahead of time (like Steve Martin's weather report in L.A. Story) and just assumes that because they have been applicable, they will always be applicable.
Yankeefan -
Congratulations on the winning streak and return to respecability of record. Understand, please, that Minnesota Hooligans tend still to be very nice, polite people. Only they blow rasberries when they don't win at Twingo and they clap only very quietly (with no actual warmth or enthusiasm) when the Bitch Sox make truly remarkable plays. But really, before this season, when has that been an issue.
Posted by: hrunting at May 19, 2005 12:06 PManother gem, BG.
As I cannot access the game threads at work, I'll add my one comment on today's game here. I'm worried. Chacin is Venezuelan...and he plays for a Canadian team. Are the Jays trying to steal the Twins secret to success?
Also, good news for the Prez. Andy was looking at film and thinks he sees soem mechanical adjustments that should bring Johan back to Cy status...not unlike the type of adjustments made at about this time last season.
Posted by: double-a at May 19, 2005 12:21 PMClassic.
Posted by: BAT bandwagoner at May 19, 2005 01:05 PMhrunting, I often use butt-ass as a noun. as in, "you are such a butt-ass!"
Posted by: kafumbly at May 19, 2005 04:21 PMheh, I don't mean you, though. :)
Posted by: kafumbly at May 19, 2005 06:11 PMThanks for the distinction. (Ha!)
Posted by: hrunting at May 19, 2005 07:34 PM