Detroit at Twins. Twins 5, Tigers 4.
Well, I'm not really a writer, but Batgirl asked me to fill in for her tonight since I wasn't doing anything else, really, and when Batgirl asks you a favor, you do it. I mean I'm not really on the DL yet, but I'm going on tomorrow, and I knew I wasn't going to play tonight. I don't want to go on the DL, even though Gardy said it's retroactive but since I got hit in the head I really don't understand words more than two syllables.
Anyway, I sat right behind the action tonight with the bat boy and I saw the whole game. It's nice that the Metrodome is inside because natural light makes me not feel so good. But that's not important. What's important is that I sat there just behind the batters and I wasn't scared, even when J.C. Romero was pitching. I'm not scared at all, it's just my head doesn't feel so good when I stand up or move or think. Or when we give up runs in the first inning. I know we've decided to spot people a couple runs now, and I have to say I'm not really sure why we're doing that. Maybe it's just the concussion talking, but it doesn't make any sense to me. Sure, everyone's picking us to win and all and we just want to make things fair, and we feel bad because we have Johan Santana and they don't, but I think we're taking it a little far. And I thought it would be nice for Joe Mays to be able to get out of the first inning unscathed, because he does get, ah, you know how he gets.
Well, I'm not the one who makes those kind of decisions, and anyway it kind of hurts where they took out that lymph node, so I get distracted sometimes and don’t think so good. Still, when Mays came back into the dugout after the first I was afraid he might kick something and it might fly off and hit me in my appendectomy scar. But he was pretty calm. Still, by the time he walked his fourth batter I went over to Mike Redmond and asked to borrow his chest protector, because you can never be too careful.
Pudge Rodriguez is really skinny now, and I don't understand why. I asked him if he'd had pneumonia in the off-season, too, but he just gave me a weird look. Mike Redmond's kid Ryan has pneumonia, and I went to visit him because I could totally relate, and we just sat there and coughed for awhile. In the hospital, I got some more dizzy spells, so they gave me another CAT scan and say I'm just fine. I think I'll feel better soon. I hope so.
I'm supposed to talk about the game, but sometimes I got distracted by the way the light reflected off Mike Maroth's hair gel. Honestly, he wears more gel than Radke! Oh, and did you see when he hit Torii in the thigh? I winced pretty good and covered my pee pee area, just in case. Then I went into the clubhouse and cried for a little bit.
I got back in time to see Bartlett hit his first major league home run to tie the game at one, and it was really sweet, except when he came into the dugout LeCroy hit him in the head and knocked his helmet off. I really wish he'd be more careful. It's nice of him to play first for me, and no one's picking on my defense anymore. Gardy told him to play closer to the base—they told him it was just so he wouldn't be tempted to field balls that are really for Rivas, but we all know it's because it takes him a lot longer to get to the bag than it might take a normal person. Matty says he's big boned, but sometimes I wonder.
Okay, so back to the game. Jason Bartlett hit his first big league homer and he was trying to be all cool about it, but I could tell he was excited. These young kids are so adorable! And that was it until Mays walked another guy to lead off the inning and then Craig Monroe hit a ball into the left field stands, and I just hope it didn't hit any of the fans. I asked one of the ushers to check it out, but he just looked at me like he couldn't understand what I was saying. Maybe he couldn't; I've been slurring my words a little bit since I got hit in the head
In the bottom of the inning Cuddy got a run back by hitting a dinger, like, 420 feet. I used to hit balls that far, but I lost a lot of upper arm strength with the pleurisy. Then in the 6th, Mauer led off with a bunt down the third base line and Brandon Inge totally freaked out and threw the ball way over Carlos Pena's head. That's the sort of thing they might blame the first baseman for, but really there's only so much you can do when they throw the ball over your head. So Mauer ran all the way to second on the play, but he tripped over second base and I almost had a heart attack. I mean a real one.
So, Joe was on second with nobody out and we're behind one run, and then Matty was up, and I could have sworn that he hit a grounder to third, but he couldn't possibly have done that because if he hits a grounder to the left side the runner on second can’t advance. I mean, I know what I saw, but I've been hallucinating a little bit lately, so I can't be sure. But anyway after that Torii got a single and Jacque a sac fly, so we tied the game up! It was pretty exciting, and I almost smiled.
Well, the Tigers got a run back off Old Man Mulholland to make it 4-3, or maybe it was off Jesse Crain. It's all kind of a blur, and I was getting major head rushes then. And then J.C. came in and I went to get a helmet to wear, even though it hurts my head to wear a hat. By the time I could find a helmet that didn't squish my curls too much, we were up again and the Tigers were using their fifth pitcher.
I don’t really understand what Alan Trammell was doing in this game. I mean he put in pretty much his whole bullpen, and I thought it was really nice of him to show us all their pitchers, but he couldn't have done it to be nice, could he? Could he? I wanted to ask him, but one of my chicken pox scars was really itching.
Well, in the bottom of the eighth Ugueth Urbina was pitching. He walked Bartlett to lead off the inning, and then he walked Chairman Mauer, and neither of them swung the bat once. I think I heard Alan Trammell's brain exploding, but my ears have been ringing since I got hit in the head, so I can't be sure. Anyway, it's the bottom the eighth, there are two runners on, and the pitcher can't find the strike zone if it were the size of a hockey goal, and Matty comes up and swings at the first pitch. The first pitch! Sure, he ended up advancing the runners on the fly, but, you don't swing on the first pitch when the guy's so wild. Even I know that, and I've had five concussions. But sometimes LeCroy is thinking harder about his crawdads than the count. I can't really eat crawdads, because I'll break out in hives and start vomiting all over the place and I'll swell up somewhere very personal, so it can be really hard when Matty invites everyone out for crawdads. I get really uncomfortable. I can't tell him the truth because he'll make fun of me so I just say I have to go home and call my mom.
Well, anyway Jacque got the tying run in, and then Boo Berry pitched a fierce ninth inning and when he came into the dugout he had smoke coming off of his skin and I was a little concerned but everyone else seemed fine with it, so I didn't say anything.
Oh, and then Troy Percival came on to close, even though the game was tied, but I guess Alan Trammell didn't have any pitchers left or something. And we've never scored anytime ever against Percival, except when Dusty Mohr broke Bengie Molina's wrist, but I was feeling pretty confident that we’d be able to win the game tonight without hurting anyone. After we came back in the eighth, everyone in the dugout just started to seem all happy and relaxed and excited, and it was like old times. Except Corey wasn't there. I miss Corey. Sometimes I like to close my eyes and pretend he's still in the dugout, but then someone makes fun of me and he's not there to defend me and I know he's really gone. The last couple of nights when I've gone to sleep I've heard him whispering to me. It might just be because I got hit in the head, but it's still pretty nice.
Oh, well, so Lew led off the bottom of the ninth with a single (and yes, BG, he does make choo choo noises when he runs. He also makes light saber noises when he pees. It kind of disturbs me.) and then Cuddy moved him over, and then little Nicky walked, and then Shannon came up, and I took off my helmet, because I knew there weren't going to be any more pitches. Shannon Stewart was going to score Lew one way or another, because he's Shannon Stewart, and that's just what he does, and I know our batting hasn't been so good but I think a comeback like this is exactly what we needed. Of course, I have a concussion, so what do I know?
Some of the guys got pretty crazy in the postgame celebration, but I stayed far away. I just gave Stewie a nice handshake later, and he was pretty cool about it.
Anyway, thanks BG; this was fun, though I have to stop typing now. I'm feeling a little carpal tunnel coming on. I just want to thank everyone for being so nice during this difficult time. I can’t wait to get back and play. Torii says I should ask if I can wear the batting helmet on the field, too. I think he might be making fun of me, but really, it's a good idea.
Posted by Batgirl at April 13, 2005 12:34 AMI'm pretty sure this is the best thing I've ever read in my life.
Poor Justin and his apendectomy scar!
Posted by: Meghan at April 13, 2005 12:42 AMDON'T CROSS THE STREAMS, LEW!
holy crap! i think i broke something laughing:
"Oh, and did you see when he hit Torii in the thigh? I winced pretty good and covered my pee pee area, just in case. Then I went into the clubhouse and cried for a little bit."
Posted by: tdj at April 13, 2005 01:49 AMThis site is hands down the most hilarious baseball blog on the net. Makes me wish I was a Twins fan.-
Posted by: Trev at April 13, 2005 02:34 AMTrev -- you can be! Join us. It won't hurt a bit.
Posted by: SaraZ at April 13, 2005 03:15 AMAbsolutely hilarious.
I wish my favorite team had someone writing about them like this.
*shakes head* Poor, poor little Justin. Makes you want to take him home, bundle him up, and feed him chicken soup until his body repairs itself.
Posted by: CarrieIC at April 13, 2005 06:20 AMThat is really quite brilliant. Too many highlights to even mention them.
Posted by: Craig in MN at April 13, 2005 07:37 AMNice win last night! We need to get some early runs the next 2 games so we can make the tiggers use that bullpen more.
Posted by: soccerfan at April 13, 2005 07:38 AMJustin,
Sometimes you get knocked around in this game, but you just have to move on, eh? Sorry you aren't feeling well, though, now, then. When I'm there next week, I'll take you out for pizza and ice cream, yeah?
Your friend,
- Corey
Posted by: Cordel L. Koskie at April 13, 2005 07:46 AMPerhaps Corey really is talking to Justin in his sleep, because despite being on the DL, the good doctor really seems to bounce back quickly from everything he's had. A new bionic boy in town, perhaps? It's mostly amazing that he's had five concussions and is still ALIVE.
Posted by: Webster at April 13, 2005 07:55 AMJustin,
Please for the dear love of god, DO NOT SIT WHERE THEY ARE SWINGING BATS! I don't mean to yell, I know that hurts your head, but please Justin, my heart can't take anymore, I mean I get nervous when I see you walk in the dugout lately, let alone a few feet away from swinging lumber.
Just looking out for you pookie.
-HooliganKat
Posted by: HooliganKat at April 13, 2005 08:14 AMWhat was the attendance last night?Al
Posted by: al at April 13, 2005 08:36 AMAl,
You can check all home game attendances here:
http://www.sportsnetwork.com/merge/tsnform.aspx?c=startribune&page=mlb/teams/035/attendance.aspx?team=035
(Is attendances a word?)
Posted by: Kurtis at April 13, 2005 08:49 AMOh, and last night's attendance was a typical outing for Johan Santana: 15 K.
Posted by: Kurtis at April 13, 2005 08:51 AMJustin -
fine job filling in for Batgirl. Thanks for sharing Lew's sound effects with us. If you do decide to wear the batting helmet, I'm sure you won't look as dorky as John Olerud.
I can't stop laughing and I'm at work! My boss is going to wonder what's so funny about my work!
I really like how you managed to get *all* of Justin's injuries into this one--no easy feat! This was just too perfect. I'm still laughing!
And what is with the Canadian boys on the Twins? (Someone needs to keep an eye on Jesse Crain--he was born in Canadia!)
Posted by: Just Beth at April 13, 2005 08:56 AMDamn, this is funny. Damn, Damn, Damn, funny, funny, funny. Thank the Good Lord for Bat-girl, her mother, the bat-kitties and all her minions. Damn. Funny.
Posted by: Brooklynegg at April 13, 2005 08:56 AM"If I come back before I'm ready and get hit again," Morneau said, "I'm going to be out a lot longer to recover."
Apparently the ball hit him in the grammar part of his brain.
Poor Justin.
Posted by: HooliganKat at April 13, 2005 09:01 AMOn another note, I have an extra "cheap seats" ticket for Thursday if a batling would like to join me. Just send me an email.
Posted by: HooliganKat at April 13, 2005 09:13 AMWhat a way to start the day. QC-ing statements for the next five hours will be a little more bearable. Thanks Team BG.
And knowing it's student night AND dollar dog night helps, too. Even though Lyle is gonna try to pitch.
Posted by: double-a at April 13, 2005 09:14 AMWhat a great way to start the day. I put my back out yesterday, and now it hurts even more, but hurts so good. Gotta go find Justin and do some rehab now.
Posted by: insider at April 13, 2005 09:35 AMIf a game summary is going to cause hysterical laughter, could you please post advanced warning for those of us who might be drinking a beverage while reading? I almost spat mineral water on my keyboard this morning.
Posted by: Attyfan at April 13, 2005 09:45 AM
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Okay, I laughed, but it's still very sad.
Poor, poor Justin.
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at April 13, 2005 09:52 AMLets hope Justin is allowed to write another game summary. What a hoot!
This was pure BG classic. I have learned not to be drinking the morning java when reading these posts.
It's student night AND dollar a dog night? Anyone have a private jet I can borrow? Man, I hate not being in MN during baseball season. And as cool a stadium as Camden is, the hot dogs cannot hold a candle to the dome dogs, let alone the dollar a dog dogs. And they don't put out chopped onions or sauerkraut. It's just not the same.
Posted by: TBird41 at April 13, 2005 10:38 AM!
Melikes the early twentieth century approach, Virginia. You make me want to move back to the Twin Cities so I can better understand every little nuance.
Posted by: jekyll at April 13, 2005 10:43 AM
As you all know, RD is a very calm guy BUT THIS IS THE BEST POST EVER ON THE INTERNET. ok, i'm done now.
Anyone who thinks Ron Davis is calm never saw ol' "Blue Glove" pitch....or maybe that was just all of us watching. You think JC makes ya nervous...
Hey maybe poor ol' Justin Morn-owwww can borrow Jon Olerud's "fielding helmet" Remember that thing?
Meanwhile, thanks for letting me join in. I'm having some success out here in SoCal converting the non-believers to Twins fans...all I do is tell them to read this site...
Posted by: CA-TwinsFan at April 13, 2005 11:06 AMOkay so Hegs mentioned the Olerud thing. Olerud would look dorky in anything....
Posted by: CA-TwinsFan at April 13, 2005 11:09 AM
And they don't put out chopped onions or sauerkraut. It's just not the same. [TBird41]
Speaking of sauerkraut, my first foray to the Dome this year was in someone else's season tix seats way down on the first deck. When I went to adulterate my Dome Dog I noticed that there was no sauerkraut to put on it! Not even a _place_ for sauerkraut! My father says that it's because they reserve the sauerkraut for us upper-deck plebes. Tell me, please, that there is still sauerkraut at the Dome.
And thank you, BG, thank you for today's post. I've got to stop laughing at work.
That was some good play by play Justin. Best laugh i've had in a while, Although i will say i had a good laugh last night during the game. (Another game got rained out last night, so AFN cut to the Twins, thats TWO IN A ROW, live, in Iraq! NICE) They had the Tiggers announcers calling the game, which usually sucks, but they actually said something funny last night. One of them made the comment that "The twins have been the thorn in the Tigers side for the past couple of years". It got me to thinking... wait, hasn't EVERYONE been a thorn in the tigers side for the past couple of years? When was their last winning season?
On another note, I'm glad to see that Dmitri was right about Cleveland being the only competition in the Central. For the tigers anyway... as long as "competition" means "team we can beat". The Twins are WAY above Competition.
Posted by: Tinger at April 13, 2005 11:13 AM
Dear CA-TwinsFan,
You remember the blue glove, huh? And remember how I used a red one for home games? All the baseball writers of that era thought I was a total flaming doofus, and some of them cited the home-and-road gloves as a reason why. But what do sportswriters know? I always thought the gloves were a bit of fashion statement, much like Twins relievers of the modern era have taken to the Barbie backpack in the bullpen.
Best, RD
Posted by: RonDavis at April 13, 2005 11:16 AMThere is still Sauerkraut in the dome, they usually have it in little plastic containers at the concession stand as opposed to by the rest of the condiments.
Posted by: HooliganKat at April 13, 2005 11:18 AMAgreed. BG has become part of my daily routine. Cup o' coffee, read the box score, read BG, laugh, spit out coffee.
Posted by: nature at April 13, 2005 11:19 AMComing from someone who was once rejected by the plasma center because of too many concussions (9), I can relate! Especially considering that I've had another one since then. Every time you have one, it's worse than the last and the recovery is longer and more painful. Plus your head gets misshapen and starts to look like those mind controling aliens on the first Star Trek (The Glass Menagerie). Lew would get that one.
But one thing concussions have done for me, they help me think out of the, um, square thingie.
Great work BG. I'm not worthy!!!
Posted by: cmathewson at April 13, 2005 11:21 AM"He also makes light saber noises when he pees. "
...help...can't..stop..laughing...
Posted by: Dr. Trivicon at April 13, 2005 11:48 AMDear BG,
You are ruining us for all other sports writing. Today's bean-ball fantasy reminded me of Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five. What is real? What tricks does the mind play on us, especially if we've been bombed? Or beaned? Bravo!
John R. Tunis
p.s. Where is that baseball novel that all your fans are waiting for, BG?
John r. tunis
Posted by: john r tunis at April 13, 2005 11:53 AMTinger, I couldn't agree more on the thorn issue and the Dmitri issue. I'm glad somebody is getting the chance to see the games.
BG, as has been noted, you are in midseason form, and we applaud your efforts (and those of Justin and the crew).
Waiting for my "Juan Rincon is my Boyfriend" T,
AT
Posted by: AT at April 13, 2005 11:56 AMThey used to put kraut on the stainless steel "changing tables" opposite the concession booths. Next to the mustard (plain yellow..not fancy brown) and the napkin-sized toilet paper.
Ticket to game using "student ID" : $3
My fill of hotdogs: $4
Walking to the Dome: Free
Batgirl in the morning: Priceless.
I *heart* dollar dog nights.
Wait, actually I *heart* all nights at the dome, but especially dollar dog nights.
Also, how does one go about getting a Twingo card? I tried to hustle myself past an usher to get to the stupid Cambria booth, but they wouldn't let me.
Posted by: HooliganKat at April 13, 2005 12:38 PM*"Please for the dear love of god, DO NOT SIT WHERE THEY ARE SWINGING BATS! I don't mean to yell, I know that hurts your head, but please Justin, my heart can't take anymore, I mean I get nervous when I see you walk in the dugout lately, let alone a few feet away from swinging lumber."*
Ah... HooliganKat. This actually reminds me of one of the funniest moments from Sunday's game. After LeCroy hit the third foul ball into the dugout (missing Santana by a foot or so each time), Juan Castro picked up a glove and went and crouched in front of Santana to make sure that no further fouls could harm El Presidente...
I propose the nickname "Secret Service" for our SS...
Posted by: CapitalBabs at April 13, 2005 12:39 PMOh, Justin. I laughed when I read this, but I also wanted to go hug him. Poor boy.
Posted by: SoftballSuperstar at April 13, 2005 12:53 PMIf I may be so mundane as to comment on the actual game, I have to say, I thought bringing in Percival in a non-save situation was actually one of the most sensible things Trammel did all night. The idea that you must only ever bring in your designated closer when he can get a save is one of the stupidest ideas to come down the pike in recent years. If an inning can make or break the game, why wouldn't you want to bring in your very best reliever, particularly if he owns the opposing team?
P.S. Thanks for the Castro story, and LOVE the nickname!
Posted by: Word Smith at April 13, 2005 01:04 PMWordsmith,
I agree with you about Percival. It wasn't a bad move; after all, he's shut us down in the past, Urbina was plainly not having a good night, and depending on how quickly he got rid of us in the 9th, Percival might have been able to do the bottom of the 10th. It just wasn't to be, was it?
Thanks for the sauerkraut news! That's why I go to the games, don't you know? ;)
This was maybe the best post on Bat-Girl yet! Thank you Dr. Morneau for sharing your words with us. Please stay away from any moving objects for the next week. We would like a full recovery this time. And I am all in favor of the fielding helmet...any precautionary measures necessary!
Posted by: Mic at April 13, 2005 01:25 PMTwingo is played Tuesday, Wednesday and week-day games. On the lower deck, the Twingo table is located around section 114. At least that's where it was last year. On the upper deck, sometimes the usher guarding the stairs by sections 214-215 has cards.
Posted by: Lisa at April 13, 2005 01:30 PMDoes anybody else think "Morblog" sounds like it could be a race of cave-dwelling creatures from the Lord of the Rings books? "Careful, Mr. Frodo, these hills are filled with Morblogs."
Posted by: Andre at April 13, 2005 01:36 PMCapitalBabs I too saw that, through my super secret binoculars and in fact it was Rick Anderson who went over at first, then motioned for Juan Castro to get a glove and defend our President.
I love the cute little stories from the dugout.
I know this is the wrong thread for this, but I know I can trust the batlings for a quick and accurate answer...
When was Santana's last loss?
Posted by: Say Rah! at April 13, 2005 02:43 PMOff-topic rant: I just went out to get the mail, and I recieved a MLB.com Genuine Merchandise catalog. I'm sure some of you got this too. My two issues with it:
1) This is a bunch of goofy-ass-looking crap
2) The Twins are not featured prominently anywhere! The only Twins logos in the whole thing are a cap and a t-shirt. However, they do show a sexy babe in Bitch Sox pajamas, a blue plaid cap with a tiny little Yankees logo that's off center, a blanket with a life-size depiction of Derek Jeter batting, a Giants bedspread, a Braves ruffle diaper set, and a Cubs fireplace screen. Not even a Twins bottle opener. It just seems so unfair!
Well, I know where to get my Twins paraphenalia-- from Batgirl!
Posted by: Pepper at April 13, 2005 02:54 PMThey stopped putting out the free range condiments (sauerkraut and chopped onions) sometime after 9/11. The fear was that a terrorist or some homegrown whacko would sneak in and add something toxic to them.
Those packets just aint the same. I wish they could just have a condiment monitor.
Posted by: Squiddie at April 13, 2005 04:22 PMSounds to me like an automatic condiment dispenser (with security guard) would make a fortune in Minnesota...
Any investors want to hop on the bandwagon? :)
YankeeFan
Posted by: YankeeFan at April 13, 2005 04:27 PMAbsolutely amazing. Pulitzer Prize is on its way to BG.
Posted by: Stacy at April 15, 2005 10:12 PM