Twins at Seattle. Twins 4, Mariners 1.
It was a long night in the hotel bar in Seattle last night, where the Twins Starters One and Two could be found sitting in a dark corner splitting a bottle of Jose Cuervo Especial and spinning their tales of woe.
"I should give the Cy Young back," moaned Starter Two.
"No, no you shouldn't, Jo," said One. "You should have started the season, that was the problem."
"Started the season? Ay, I shouldn't even start my car."
"Come on, man, you were really good after that first inning. Lights out."
"Naw," said Two sorrowfully, "that's like saying that Anakin Skywalker's Jedi Training went really well except for the whole going-to-the-dark-side part."
"Hey, you settled down afterwards. You didn't have a terrible first and then go ahead and give up another bleepin' blargin' homer in the third. You did what you had to do. Not like me."
"No, no, it's not your fault, man. Richie Sexson, that dude's a machine."
"Still…"
"No, no, I mean it," said Two, "He's a machine, I've seen him naked. You wouldn't believe where the control panel is."
"Well," replied One, shaking his head, "machine or no, I should never have let him get to me like that. I disgraced my whole family. I have brought dishonor on the house of Radke."
"No, man, I was the disgrace…Anyway, they were using the ass-bats that night. It wasn't your fault…"
And on and on it went, into the wee hours. Starter One found himself playing a lot of Morrissey in the jukebox, while Starter Two scratched out some soulful poetry on his napkin. The night wore on, the bottle slowly emptied out, and just before last call, Starter Three came down in the bar looking for his comrades.
"Hey dudes!" he said, skipping up to them. "Why the long faces?"
"We thuck," said Starter One, waving his hand around in the air.
"We're thinky!" said Starter Two, drooling slightly.
"We're all wathed up," said Starter One, while humming bars of "Girlfriend in a Coma."
"Dudes!" said Starter Three. "No problem! Don't worry about it. I got it!"
"Whaddya mean you goddid?" bleared One.
"I mean, I got it. I'll take care of it. I'll pick you guys up."
"Mmmmarggh?" grunted Two.
"That's what we do around here, boys!" said Three with a happy swing of the fist. "We pick each other up! I am Carlos the Jackal, and I am here to help my team. Now, come on boys, you look like ass-crap. Let's go to bed."
"I love you, man," slurred One.
"I love you guys, too,"
1000
said Three solemnly.
And so Starter Three helped One and Two to their feet, ushered them carefully to their rooms, and tucked them into bed with a sweet Venezuelan lullaby. And when he tucked himself into bed for the night, he found his heart filled with a great happiness, for he is Carlos the Jackal and he is here to make you ground out.
So, this evening while One and Two watched from the dugout wearing sunglasses and ice packs, drinking Wayne Hattaway's patented hangover remedy and cringing at every loud noise, Three proceeded to pitch a gem of a game, and I don't just mean by getting out of the first innings unscathed or holding Richie "Ouch" Sexson to just one hit. Silva coaxed the poor befuddled Mariners into hitting one grounder after another and by the seventh inning, he'd only thrown sixteen pitches. At least it was around sixteen. And in true Jackal fashion, every time the Mariners started to rally, he'd break their spirits with a nice double play ball—I know Castro to Punto to Morneau isn't exactly Tinker to Evers to Chance, but it still worked pretty nicely.
Meanwhile, our B Team boys had a good game for themselves—Little Nicky Punto had two good bunts and, more importantly, when he was trying to score on a Little Sweetcheeks sac fly and Mariners catcher Dan Wilson blocked the basepaths, he went around Wilson instead of trying to go through him, which as we all know is a very good way for Little Nicky Puntos to get eaten. With two on in the 4th, Big LeRoy pounded the ball to British Columbia, reminding us why he's on the team, and, perhaps most impressively Juan Castro managed to make almost every play. Almost.
Ah, yes, it is hard to be a pitcher on a team with Carlos Silva, you're just not going to measure up. Starters One and Two learned that the hard way tonight. But Silva is not going to rub his success in their faces—oh no. Why, after the game, he stopped by their lockers and patted them both on the backs. "Don't worry boys," he said, smiling magnanimously. "You may not be like the Jackal yet, but you'll get there. You'll get there."
Posted by Batgirl at April 6, 2005 09:11 PMFIRST POST.
Like the Wayne Hattaway reference. And the link to the CP article from the game-thread. Those are the stories that make baseball superior to any other sport.
Posted by: double-a at April 6, 2005 09:52 PMHow DO you get these inside stories Batgirl?
You must have a little microchip/microphone implanted in someone's body.
'fess up...who's the mole?
Posted by: bubblemint at April 6, 2005 10:00 PMI don't know if I want to imagine Richie Sexson naked
Posted by: Andrew at April 6, 2005 10:01 PMDon't know if this has already been posted on another thread but Michael Restovich was claimed off of waivers by the Colorado Rockies today.
The journey continues....
Posted by: Serial Thrilla at April 6, 2005 10:19 PMIt's a sad day when the only "candidate" for "I want to see them naked" in a sport is Marge Schott . . . And she's been singing in the chior invisible for a while now.
Brrrrr.
I need a drink.
No sleep for me tonight.
(first person reference unintended)
Sorry, that's 3rd person. The Marge Schott thing has me all discombobulated.
Posted by: Me at April 6, 2005 10:28 PM"Started the season? Ay, I shouldn't even start my car."
That was classic! lol
Posted by: Stacy at April 6, 2005 10:42 PMGirlfriend in a Coma? I know, I know it's serious!
(Skorch debates whether or not he'll lose the few "cool" points he's amassed for pointing out that was a Smiths song, one of his favorite Smiths songs in fact, before Morrissey went solo)
Perhaps your source was really hearing Morrissey's "You're the One for Me Fatty" as the song starter one hummed while talking to Silva, in mocking reference to LeCroy's 3-run blast that gave Silva the win. Silva's best response would have been a few bars of "We Hate it When our Friends Become Successful".
(Skorch realizes Batgirl is probably now sorry she even brought it up)
Yours in mopey brits,
Skorch
Posted by: Skorch at April 6, 2005 10:56 PMfor he is Carlos the Jackal and he is here to make you ground out
Good stuff.
My all-time favorite Peanuts cartoon features Linus consoling Charlie Brown after yet another lost baseball game. "You know what they say, Charlie Brown, you win some and you lose some."
To which Charlie Brown replies, "Gee, wouldn't that be nice?"
The first two losses to Seattle had me feeling like Charlie Brown in that cartoon.
So congrats, Twins, on notching that first win. Here's hoping for a bit more win some than lose some for the rest of April.
Posted by: arrScott at April 7, 2005 12:02 AMSorry, late night typing - it was only one loss, I know, but it felt like two, since there's no way the Twins should have dropped that game. I so expected the Twins to win the opener that the loss hit with twice the force of a normal defeat, leading to my confusion on the point. Morally, the Twins are 2-2 after three games, even if their actual record is 2-1.
Posted by: arrScott at April 7, 2005 12:05 AMarrScott:
I know I see double when it comes to Twins losses. Happens to the best of us.
Posted by: talldrinkowater at April 7, 2005 01:07 AMFirst post from one of the many lurkers...
Batgirl, i dont know where you get this stuff, but it is amazing. I was laughing so hard when i read that. You make procrastinating much too easy.
Posted by: Twins in Boston at April 7, 2005 01:26 AMI like the nickname Big LeRoy too. He gets treated a bit less kindly (lumpy, amongst other names) over on the Twins strib forum. I don't like the four catchers situation either, but I don't think LeCroy deserves so much heat. And he's on the team ... so let's get behind him, for crying out loud. Liked the article. Thanks.
Posted by: gopher38 at April 7, 2005 07:31 AMDo you think the Mariners have bigger appetites than the teams that ate (or attempted to eat) Little Nicky Punto last year? After all, they ate Justin Morneau. That's no little guy.
I was glad to hear he is "fine", and was able to fly back with the team.
Posted by: Just Beth at April 7, 2005 07:49 AMI've just started coming to this site, and you're a hoot, BatGirl! (BTW: the term Ass-Bat is spreading like wildfire through Camden Yards, where my dear other team, the O's, play. And trust me, they were using the Ass-Bats last night.)
Posted by: CarrieIC at April 7, 2005 08:01 AMWonderful, wonderful -- the series win, and the column. I love them both. And "Oh, Five" may be stuck in my head all season.
Like Andre, I also love this line: "he is Carlos the Jackal and he is here to make you ground out." It is not as immediately lethal as "Sit down, Bitch!" but is somehow even more humiliating to the hitter.
And CarrieIC: there are many baseball mysteries. Batgirl solves them for us. (And welcome.)
Posted by: hrunting at April 7, 2005 08:43 AMPunto diving home for the insurance run after eluding Wilson was perhaps the most *adorable* thing I've ever seen in a baseball game.
(If you didn't see it, click name for a realistic reenactment)
Posted by: whelliston at April 7, 2005 08:57 AM
Is Justin Morneau starting to remind anyone else of Kenny from South Park?
I found myself leaping from my sofa yelling, "You killed Justin! You BASTARDS!"
Super scary. I'm soooo glad he's okay.
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at April 7, 2005 09:02 AMVery fine article there BG. Way to really capture the moment. I'm glad Skorch brought up the Smiths/Morrisey controversy also, as it saves me the effort of explaining it. ;)
12 years working as a community volunteer at a college radio station gives you all sorts of pointless musical knowledge. :P
Posted by: Art's Son at April 7, 2005 09:06 AMI really like Matty "Big Country" LeRoy. Glad he knocked one out last night.
Did anyone see the Twins special the other weekend on the 29 channel when Gardy had Matty run the bases and Gardy said "This is going to be good entertainment".
After spending a sleepless, heroin withdraw like, night staring at the ceiling of my cold, dark bedroom, the wee hours of the morning finally brought a comforting thought. “Hey Me, I said to me. What about the movie A League Of Their Own.” Visions of Geena Davie began to force a naked Marge Schott out of my head.
Ahhh, sweet relief.
Then Marge went to 3rd base and got help from Rosie ODonnell and they beat the snot out of Geena Davis.
It took the better part of a bottle of 12 year old scotch to wash that thought from my mind.
Whelliston...stellar work. So life-like. And you captured the desire and will little Nicky Punto carries with him.
On a side note, a sweet Twins-related story from Doug Grow (not a sports columnist) in today's Strib: http://www.startribune.com/stories/509/5334385.html
Posted by: double-a at April 7, 2005 11:49 AMSome places, I've read that the triple is the most-exciting play in baseball. I have to disagree. My most exciting play is the bases-loaded double-play with one out. But then, I'm a pitcher partisan. Making it a 5-5-3 DP was nice variety.
Posted by: amr at April 7, 2005 11:56 AMAh, the daily dose of Batgirl is back......
As a practicing physician (yeah, I know. I haven't mastered it yet) I recommend a regular daily dose of batgirl and repeat as needed for mood dips.
Keep it up!
Posted by: Dr. Jane at April 7, 2005 11:58 AMHmm...so when would Starter #2 ever have a chance to see Richie Sexson naked? Can I get in on that?
Bradke plugging quarters into the jukebox for Morrissey is one of the funniest things I've ever read.
There's a guy who works at the Double Rainbow ice cream shop in Noe Valley. I'm a big fan of oreo milkshakes - and they make a mean one - so I go in there almost every day. Every day - EVERY day - this guy is either 1) listening to Morrissey/the Smiths, 2) wearing a Morrissey/the Smiths T-shirt, or 3) (1) and (2).
I wonder if I should try to get him to like the Twins? He doesn't seem to be the type to like sports....
Posted by: Haplo at April 7, 2005 03:26 PMObvs, the favorite Smiths song of Starters One and Two is "I Started Something I Couldn't Finish."
Posted by: whelliston at April 7, 2005 04:12 PMDear Scott Ullger,
I stand by my previous anti-you statements. Please make me eat my words 159 times more this year. Please. If showing me up is what it takes to motivate the Twins then let the foot-in-mouth begin!
Mimiru
Posted by: Mimiru at April 8, 2005 07:59 AM