Seattle 5, Twins 1
An ancient Mariner meeteth three Twins fans bidden for a game, and detaineth one.
It is an ancient Mariner
And he stoppeth one of three.
‘By thy long face and crappy fastball,
Now wherefore stopp’st thou me?
The Metrodome’s doors are open wide
They’ve begun the pregame show;
I need my pencil and my card;
Because I am going to play Twingo.’
He holds him with his glittering eye—
The Twins fan stood still,
And listens like a three year child;
The Mariner hath his will.
The Twins fan sat on a stool,
He cannot choose but hear;
And thus spake on that ancient man,
The bright-eyed Mariner.
‘February came, and we were called
Merrily did we appear.
A new season’s begun, a pennant to be won!
At least we can’t be worse than last year.
But then began the Cactus League
Of games, we barely won eleven
Though my change-up did stop hanging
And Ichiro batted .437
Oh, the season begins and we’re full of hope!
Up the AL West’s cellar we will climb
For we are hearty and we can beat
The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim!’…
I shant go on, things get pretty freaky after that. What's important is that it's a tale worthy of Coleridge, and I mean Coleridge after a heckuva lot of opium. I mean, the poor Mariners. They lost 99 games last season, which is somehow even more pathetic than losing 100. I mean come on guys, you couldn't even get it together enough to lose 100 games? What's your problem? So they spent their off-season picking up guys like, ooh!, Adrian Beltre and, oh yeah, Richie Sexson too. Hmm, Richie Sexson. Wasn't he really good when he played for the Brewers? Hmm, can't quite remember, oh well, that's not really important; we'll get to him later. What is important is that we are the MINNESOTA TWINS and our pitching staff is so good that Mr. Johan K. Santana, Cy Young Award Winner and President of the United States of Batgirl, is our number two starter. And our number one starter is Mr. Brad Rad Radke, who started every Twins home opener since, ah, hell, I don't know. Like forever. And the Mariners, well, all they have to start their season is Jamie Moyer. I mean, Jamie Moyer? What is this, 1990? Am I about to see "Dances with Wolves" at the Cooper? Do I still think Kevin Costner's hunky? Is groove in the heart? Come on, vogue with Batgirl!
Jamie Moyer? Isn't he 600 years old? Why don't they get Terry Mulholland and Kenny Rogers, too, and then the whole Mariners starting ro' can all go up in a spaceship with Clint Eastwood and Donald Sutherland because a RUSSIAN SATELLITE is going to CRASH INTO EARTH and the REALLY OLD GUYS are THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN SAVE US! Or maybe they could all get together and take a nice swim at the Home and they might find themselves feeling mysteriously young and zippy again but what they don't know is that there's a big alien pupa in the pool and it's making them all, like, young and stuff. And stuff. I mean, Rafael, sweetie, who needs the little blue pill when you got big alien pupa? After a few laps in the pupa-pool, Jamie Moyer's going to be able to show Jessica Tandy the ride of her life, and I don't mean on Clint Eastwood's spaceship.
Well, I am here to tell you, that is some pupa. Jamie Moyer got out there tonight and partied like it was 1993. And Richie Sexson, oh, are we back to him already? Well, yeah, he was kind of good against us; I mean didn't he beat the buttocks off our pitchers a couple years ago during one ill-fated Brewers series? Frankly, it's hard to remember, on account of the two homers he hit today, accounting for all five of the Seattle runs. Everything else is a little foggy.
Other than that, Radke pitched pretty well—which is sort of like saying that Anakin Skywalker's Jedi training went quite well, other than the fact that he turned to the Dark Side. And Jason Bartlett got the first RBI of the season and managed to go the whole game without having some sort of nervous breakdown. You know, like last year when he had, like, six errors in one inning in his first game, and his mom was probably listening and all his friends and even people he doesn't like, I mean, everyone's listening to that. That kind of thing is going to be a huge albatross around your neck. But no, he was great! And Chairman Mauer stole a base and didn't even bust his knee.
It's the small things that give us great pleasure. For that was pretty much all the offense for the Twins tonight. The Ancient Mariner shut us down, followed by some other dudes (because that pupa only gets you a few innings) and then Eddie "Not So Everyday" Guardado came out and proceeded to get the Twins uno, dos, tres—including making Sweetcheeks Hunter look spectacularly bad on a strikeout. Ah, well, at least they can have dinner afterwards.
Posted by Batgirl at April 4, 2005 10:57 PMAhem, this is the sort of thing I worried about. I mean these kids have not seen many 51 year old soft tossers, except, maybe, Al Neuman, and he wants them to get hits. Jacque Jones was our most disciplined, selective hitter, and Luis Rivas leads the team in batting. It is so early as to be meaningless, but, it is less early than it was yesterday, before Rad became Sexton's bitch. How many h.r.s is Morneau going to hit again? When is he going to start? They have played 32 games this spring, and he has hit zero or none at all. Wasn't there something about the increased run support Brad was going to recieve this year? I guess all this good stuff will happen later? Tomorrow would be a good time. I mean Jamie Moyer; Jesus.Disgruntedly, Al
Posted by: al at April 4, 2005 11:57 PMA pox on Richie Sexon for hitting those homers off of my boyfriend Radke! And how old *is* Jamie Moyer? Old enough to remember the last time Radke didn't pitch on Opening Day?
And thanks for hosting the viewing at the Bulldog. It made the whole game more fun, and the loss bearable.
Posted by: joshlee at April 4, 2005 11:58 PMGood thing the season is more like Ezra Pound's "Cantos" than anything those freaky Brits could ever pen up.
Other stuff:
- I think the 1965 40th anniversary patches are cool. I'm way too young to remember the Series with the Dodgers - but when I would throw the ball against the side of the barn as a kid, I pretended to keep Sweet Lou Johnson from hitting that homer in Game 7. I hope the old-timers come forward with stories.
- While our team chose the wrong pitches to swing at, they did get Moyer up to 90 pitches in a hurry. Sexson has always torched the Twins pretty good, for whatever reason - I'm going to guess that he has an ungodly lifetime BA against us and not look it up.
- Oh, and the other guys had five hits too.
Posted by: whelliston at April 5, 2005 12:20 AMLet me come out against Scott Ullger (sp?) the "hitting" coach right now after the first day picking up right where I left off at the end of last season, just so I'm on the record.
Bartlet was a bright spot though! Also Mauer catching and not having to leave the game, also a +!
Jacque Jones swinging at the high fastball in the 9th? Big time Minus. "Everyone knew it was coming!" I hope that's what Eddie shouted at him when they exchanged words on the mound.
Posted by: Mimiru at April 5, 2005 12:35 AMActually, BG, Richie was a Dimandback last year, after being trade by the Brewers before the season for Lyle "I only know how to hit doubles" Overbay and some other guys, and missed most of the year with an injury.
Posted by: IcePhoenix at April 5, 2005 04:10 AMI'm going to non-sequitur out of all this serious baseball talk. I had to write because BG's "rime" made reference to Twingo. Well, folks, you can OWN Twingo. There is a car over here in Yerp made by (I believe) Renault that is called Twingo. I smile every time I see one. Also, Fiat makes a car called Punto. Yes, it's tiny. So, even though I can't see or even listen to the games, I feel as though the Twins are still as close to me as when I lived on the Good Side of the River.
I'll be at the day game on Apr. 21 with my two small fry. Anyone else?
Posted by: Anita at April 5, 2005 06:19 AMGood Star Wars reference, BG. I'm sure that will brighten Lew's day.
Posted by: spycake at April 5, 2005 06:28 AMAhhh yes...one of the great parts of the season us upon us...a Batgirl review of the game!! Mauer gave us a few scares with his fearlessness, wow. I love the part about how Bradke pitched well except for the homers is the same as saying Lohse pitched well except for the sucking. Great stuff, yet again, BG!
Hey, can everyone go to: http://www.owatonna.com/ and vote for how the Twins are going to do this season? Psssh...the majority right now is just division champs, and that is simply not acceptable.
Posted by: Stacy at April 5, 2005 06:46 AMI found yesterday's game odd. Who would've thought Luis Rivas would get the first hit for the Twins this season? Or Joe Mauer would steal first?
Although Wee Sister and I agreed: of course the Twins weren't hitting last night. Bradke was pitching. (He pitched fairly well in total, but he can't complain about an undeserved loss, either.)
Posted by: Just Beth at April 5, 2005 08:12 AMJust Beth - "Or Joe Mauer would steal first?"
He stole first? I'd pay good money to see that! :-)
Posted by: fhqwhgads at April 5, 2005 08:46 AMDearest Bat-Girl,
You're off to a much better start than the Twins. Thanks for the nostalgia, although I never thought Kevin Costner was hunky. In 1990, Shoeless Joe was pounding away at freshman-year papers about German Reunification and pledging the fraternity Heta Twinnas. Oh yeah, and putting on his roommates' headphones, playing the Legend of Zelda on Nintendo, and saying "Another Classic Rock album!" after he puts Jethro Tull into the CD player.
This was all pre-Nirvana, of course.
-Shoeless Joe
Posted by: Shoeless Joe at April 5, 2005 08:50 AM
Forgive me, Batgirl, because after six months of off-season filler, I had almost forgotten how brilliant your game recaps are. Albatrosses and the Cooper theater... It's going to be a great season, no matter what actually happens on the field.
If the words of Guinness commercial "Brilliant!" Classic Batgirl in all her glory. You manage to blend pop culture references with classic literature.
*Soccerfan ponders to himself if they show Guinness commercials on any other channel but Fox Soccer Channel and if anyone will know what he is talking about.
Posted by: soccerfan at April 5, 2005 09:20 AMBG -
I realize that one game does not a season make. However, I hope the lack of hitting does not become a trend.
I do not worry about the pitching. I know Bradke is prone to the gopher ball - although not quite as much as Circle-me-Bert was back in the day. But please try to limit them to solo shots.
Back to the hitting ... Dr. Morneau, 2-i Torii, Lew, Cuddly ... 0 for 15 on opening day. If this keeps up, you're musical encore can be entitled O-Fer.
Please assure me it will be OK. Please tell me our boys will hit frequently. Please tell me they will hit in bunches and not scatter the hits. Please tell me we will beat up on rag-tag squads like the M's. Better yet, I'll stay up late tonight and see for myself.
Posted by: Hegs at April 5, 2005 09:24 AMYour talents are truly legion, Batgirl. And even Coleridge would have a hard time coming up with a decent rhyme for "Oakland."
But, then again, the M's have no hope of beating the A's, so it would kinda ruin that last stanza.
Posted by: Mission1929 at April 5, 2005 09:27 AM
Is it true that Morneau didn't hit any homers this spring? Is his hand still injured from when CC Sabathia plunked him? That's what killed his season last year.
Posted by: Roscoe at April 5, 2005 09:29 AMDear Batgirl,
It's good to have you back. And how about those White Sox?! Buehrle pitched a two-hitter. He usually can't do that except at the Metrodome. Go Sox!
Sox Fan
Posted by: Sox Fan at April 5, 2005 09:37 AMI think we all need to back of young master Justin for just a second. He's coming around. Heck, he just recovered from appendicitis, pneumonia, the plague, a bout of malaria, and a weird leprosy thing. I'd still be trying to get my bearings too.
He will be just fine, you wait and see.
I do have to say, even though I don't like that Richie Sexson made Bradke his bitch. I think Richie Sexson it kinda cute.
I love Radke, but I wonder if the Twins' offensive troubles yesterday were some sort of divine retribution from the baseball gods for not giving the Cy Young winner the start in the season opener.
My favorite thing about Jamie Moyer: he's reputed to sometimes come off the mound and start towards the plate, asking the hitter, "Where do you want the pitch?" That, my friends, is confidence. Or senility. You tell me.
Posted by: jeffstoned at April 5, 2005 09:45 AMI agree with HooliganCat (aka- Justin's girlfriend) about our good doctor. Poor guy's been through just about everything. Anyone else think he looked as adorable as ever last night? I can't wait for him to launch that first homer of the season.
Posted by: Stacy at April 5, 2005 09:48 AM
Maybe we could switch out Richie Sexson's toothbrush with Justin Morneau's, thereby infecting him with a variety of pox and ailments of the internal organs. That might help.
In 2003, the Twins played two pre-season games at Miler Park. The Brewers gave away a whole bunch of black Richie Sexson #11 ball caps. I burned mine this morning.
Posted by: Jim H. at April 5, 2005 09:56 AMjeffstoned,
I've heard the Moyer story, but the way I heard it told was that it happened one time to a hitter I've forgotten. Basically, Moyer kept throwing stuff up there at the Montana highway speed limit, and the hitter kept fouling it off. After about ten or so pitches, Moyer just walked up to him and asked him where he wanted it. Or something like that.
As for Twins fans, don't worry about Morneau, he will be fine. I'm still predicting 40 home runs from him this season, and about 125 RBI. And if not, you guys can borrow some offense from the newly "powerless" Cubbies.
Posted by: cubsfan36 at April 5, 2005 10:00 AMfhqwhgads - ' He stole first? I'd pay good money to see that! '
Mauer was the first to steal so... he stole first! ;)
And let me tell you how excited I was for Rivas to get the first hit! I suppose I could also say he hit first...
Posted by: Say Rah! at April 5, 2005 10:53 AMHey Hooligan,
You are not alone. I would have been upset with dear Richie, had I not been thinking of how cute he was...
Firstly, as an "old folk", re the 1965 series, Zoilo Versailles insisted, at the end, that Sandy Koufax was just another pitcher, and nothing special. Zoilo won the M.V.P. that year. Secondly, Dr.M. has hit 3 h.r.s since last July, and none this spring, really; believe it. Al
Posted by: al at April 5, 2005 11:45 AMAccording to ESPN, Mr. Sexson has hit .364 vs our beloved Twinkies over the past three years. Highest vs any team. Perhaps we should consider an alternative approach to getting him out.
Posted by: sendric at April 5, 2005 12:04 PMsendric,
Might I suggest "beaning" him as an alternative? Chicks dig the beanball.
YF
Posted by: YankeeFan at April 5, 2005 12:34 PMHow I've missed recaps! It's so good to have baseball back, and Batgirl of course. Stacy - he really did. And his curls overflowing out of his cap didnt hurt the cause either! Anyway, can't wait for some bitches to be sat down tonight.
Posted by: Sam at April 5, 2005 12:43 PM"Jimmy Key? What's he, like . . . 45?
I could hit him.
Jack, did't you, didn't you watch the game?
I mean, didn't it suck? It SUCKED!"
ESPN "This is Sportscenter - Coming Out Early"
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/thisissportscenter/archive
Why oh good Batgirl, must you use Coleridge? Good Lord, I cannot escape that poem!
And now I return to my analysis of the themes of redemption and whatnot of "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner"
Posted by: Andrew at April 5, 2005 01:12 PMThanks, diablo, I needed to kill ten minutes.
Posted by: jekyll at April 5, 2005 01:23 PMYF,
A beanball...hmm...that could work. I wonder what would happen if El Presidente beaned him. I bet that would hurt. Then he couldn't play anymore. He can't hit our pitches if he can't play, right?
Posted by: sendric at April 5, 2005 01:27 PMDr. Morneau hit what 19 in 2004? The kid will be fine!
Posted by: HooliganKat at April 5, 2005 01:45 PMSay Rah! got it right: Mauer stole first--Mauer did not steal first base. Although, in all fairness, I should've noticed that awkward wording before I posted.
Posted by: Just Beth at April 5, 2005 02:28 PMOh yes, Chicago fan should be Chicago TWINS fan. Not Chicago White Sox fan.
Posted by: Chicagofan at April 5, 2005 02:52 PMI'm new to this posting thing. I had a post in reference to the earlier post about Jamie Moyer asking a batter what the batter wanted to see for a pitch.
That story is from this month's book-of-the-month selection and I won't ruin the ending by revealing who that batter was but it's a great story from an absolutely great book.
This website is awesome. It makes me pine for the college days in St. Paul, with the Twins winning world series, the Jayhawks at the 400 bar, and the Juicy Lucy at Matt's Bar.
Posted by: Chicagofan at April 5, 2005 02:55 PMChicagofan stole my thunder by answering it, but out of respect I won't reveal the secret (I guess it's a surprise?) anyhow, I have no idea of you're with the Whine Sox or Cubbies but those Cubbies and Zambrano sucking yesterday cost me the lead in Fantasy Baseball which was only partially assuaged by Burhle's mastery of Cleveland.
The upshot? I've mixed feelings on Chicago right now.
Posted by: Mimiru at April 5, 2005 03:26 PMHeh-heh... she said 'pupa' again....
Yesterday's game was disappointing in many ways, but frightwig thinks there's no great shame in struggling to hit Old Man Moyer. He's only one of the best pitchers in baseball over the last 10 years. I mean, 1993 was a good year for him, but 2003 was even better.
I'm just a bit afraid that more common lefthanders might dominate a lineup built around Mauer/Morneau unless Hunter/Stewart/Cuddyer/Ford-LeCroy can step up and carry their weight. Let's crush the next lefty coming down the pike, shall we, and put old fright's mind at ease?
Posted by: frightwig at April 5, 2005 03:41 PMPredicting Johan's line tonight-
7 2/3 INN, 1 ER, 9 K, 2 BB
and most importantly, 1 win.
Posted by: Eric at April 5, 2005 03:43 PMmimiru, maybe we should reveal the mystery batter who got embarrassed by the Ancient Mariner?
It was Nap Lajoie. White Sox are the worst. Cubs I like, but they are a frustrating team to follow at this point. The Hawk closing games out is a frightening sight. I can't imagine another pitcher who manages to groove more 0-2 pitches than Hawkins. Why is that effective in the 7th and 8th, but gets him knocked around in the 9th?
So here's the view from the other side. Sexson saved our asses last night - the M's 6-9 hitters combined to go a stellar 0-15 and the top of the order, except Ichiro! and Sexson (whom Bret Boone has, rather unsettlingly, nicknamed Big Sex, btw), didn't do much better.
Fear not, Twins fans. Normality will resume this evening.
Posted by: paul at April 5, 2005 04:44 PMFew thoughts:
Perhaps we could _walk_ Mr. Sexson.
I thought advancing to first when not tagged on a dropped strike 3 was stealing first, but I'm probably wrong.
Due to some things, I watched more of the Det-KC game than of the Twins opener. They look really good. or KC looks really bad.
Percival looked good (9 pitches, 9 strikes, 1K), and I think Pudge looks younger this year. Nice to see Ugie Urbina playing baseball again. Bonderman looked great.
And man, does KC look bad. They could use a third baseman. And a #1 starter. How awful when your #1 guy goes 3 innings, 100 pitches.
What a reversal. Two years ago, KC was contending and DET had 119 Losses. This year, I'm close to changing my wildcard pick from CLE to DET, but only if they can play this well against someone else. Over/under on KC wins should be about 50.
Posted by: amr at April 5, 2005 05:27 PMChicagofan,
Hawkins was tried at closer here for a brief time, before Everyday Eddie. I am not sure what it is that makes him a shut em down set up man, but a crappy closer. Maybe it has something to do with pressure.
Hawk was tried as a starter, a reliever and a closer. I often thought that Tom Kelly was waaaaaayyyyyyy to patient with him.
Posted by: talldrinkowater at April 5, 2005 08:04 PM>> Who would've thought Luis Rivas would get the first hit for the Twins this season?
He did it to spite me. Ask anyone that was at the Bulldog.
>>Might I suggest "beaning" him as an alternative? Chicks dig the beanball.
HEY! That was MY suggestion yesterday. Weird.
>>Perhaps we could _walk_ Mr. Sexson.
That takes too many pitches. Bean him on his big ol' ass and get it over with.
Oh, and Talldrinkowater, you can go to the Twins Pro Shop and buy a replica jersey and for an extra $50 get any name and number put on it. Mauer included.
Posted by: mmmarkiep at April 5, 2005 09:02 PMChicagofan: Ohhhh...Juicy Lucy....I had forgotten how much I missed them.
Posted by: oregon twink at April 6, 2005 12:27 AM