August 28th, 2004. Corey Koskie, enjoying a fourteen-game hitting streak, is at the height of his season. The Twins are facing Anaheim at Angels Stadium. It’s 2-2 in the bottom of the fourth. As Angels’ catcher Bengie Molina hits a grounder to short, Curtis Pride tries to advance from second to third.
Abort, Koskie! Bail out!
Guzie throws to Koskie who successfully blocks the base—with his knee. Pride’s spikes dig into him.
My God, we can’t hold it. She’s breaking up! CRASH!
Koskie’s knee explodes! The impact jars loose his poor quality prosthetic arm, both legs, and his glass eye. It’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The delicate balance of superglue, Velcro, and duct tape that’s held together the faltering machine that is Corey Kosie is overturned. He’s finished.
...Or is he?
Corey Koskie...third baseman. A man barely alive.
Terry Ryan: Gentlemen, we can rebuild him...
...We have the technology...
We have the capability to make the world’s first bionic man....
Corey Koskie will be that man.
Better than he was before!
Better!
Stronger!
Faster!
Corey Koskie is...the Six Million Dollar Man!
Flash to September 18th, 2004:
Baltimore at Twins. Orioles 12, Twins 3.
It was the fourth inning. Michael Cuddyer had walked on four pitches, and it was time for Terry Ryan to show Carl Pohlad that he hadn’t wasted his precious six million dollars. His greatest creation, the Six Million Dollar Man, stepped up to the plate. Koskie’s new bionic knees kept him perfectly balanced, adjusting for miniscule changes in the barometric pressure, adapting to the flow of air from the fan output behind him. His bionic eye analyzed the trajectory of each of Cabrera’s pitches in a millisecond and Corey laid off three balls. Finally, his eye plotted the course of a good pitch and Corey activated his nuclear-powered arm. Smash!
Yes, the Six Million Dollar Man returned to the lineup better, stronger, and faster today. If only the folks at NASA had to equipped more Twins with nuclear-powered limbs they might have overcome the hitting onslaught of Miggie and company. Bradke would have needed the bionic eye with a strike-zone targeting system to overcome his lackluster performance, Morneau, Ojeda, and Cuddyer would have needed telescoping arms to have caught all the liners through the infield in the 8th, and Resto and Lew would have needed bionic legs to leap several stories to catch all the homers. And let's not even get started on the bullpen.
The Twins, thank goodness, are starting their other bionic man tomorrow, Johan Santana, who next year should be worth a lot more than 6 million.
Posted by Jeb at September 18, 2004 05:48 PMThis is off-topic, but today I went to the Mall of America, and there was this necklace that said "BADGIRL" and I thought it said "BATGIRL" I was SO excited!
Posted by: Stacy at September 18, 2004 06:42 PMPsssst. Twins scored 3 today. I had all I could do to not fall asleep (or just not turn off the game) what with all that scoring the O's did in the top of the 8th, so I can see how one teenie-tiny run in the bottom of the same inning could get overlooked. Don't know if losing by 9 instead of 10 really means anything though ... :-D
Posted by: pollyannah at September 18, 2004 07:16 PMAh, nevermind, it says 3 now. When I saw 12-2, I thought perhaps I so badly had wanted the Twins offense to show signs of life, I'd made up that run in the bottom of the 8th to counter all that icky O's scoring.
Posted by: pollyannah at September 18, 2004 07:26 PMNote to Twins Management: If you wonder why attendance goes down it is because of series like this!
Posted by: Mimiru at September 18, 2004 07:39 PMNice work Jeb. However, given Koskie's history of breaking down, let's hope Pohlad sprang for the extended warranty.
A couple things from today's game:
1) Wonder Woman and She-Ra P.O.P. are both quite charming; what little charm I had dissappeared in a torrent of muttered curses in the 8th inning.
2) Had I not lost track of the ball I would have been able to catch Tejada's homerun in the 6th, instead the kid to my left reached across me with his glove and hauled it in (only to promptly throw it back, *sigh*). Restovich later threw a ball directly to the same kid after warmups between innings, which he did not throw back.
Posted by: Skorch at September 18, 2004 07:55 PMDear Skorch -
Thank you=) I'm sorry I was late - I could've chatted more - it was a pleasure to meet you too.
Well our "Olympic Spirit" left around the 8th inning as well - it was brutal!
And while we were not in a position to catch a homerun ball - Resto did hit a foul ball that sent She-Ra and I to duck and cover then the ball bounced right behind us.
Oh and I too am not a fan of tossing an opponet's homerun back - they scream and scream for a foul ball in BP from either team - then when you are lucky enough to catch a ball you toss it back - well that's just silly!
The highlight for us today - other then meeting you of course - was meeting Kyle at Houlihan's we got autograph's and pictures and I was lucky enough to win Twins tickets - we can only assume they will be for the Clevaland series! I'll know next week!
I wish it was a better outcome - maybe tomorrow- when all the batlings unite!
See you then!!
Much Love -
Wonder Woman
PS - Hats off to Lew for signing autographs for everyone after the game. Mrs. Lew - finally had to pull Lew away - I think the Little Lews were getting antsy!
Posted by: Wonder Woman at September 18, 2004 09:52 PMWW, I adore you, but I must respectfully disagree on the subject of visiting team home runs.
Last year, during that first playoff game that the Spank-me's played at the Dome, Hideki Matsui crushed his first Major League home run directly at my head.
I ducked, of course, and the kid sitting in the seat right behind me caught that ball.
He did not throw it back.
And the rest, my friends, is history. That kid ruined the playoffs for us all and to this day I hold him personally responsible for the Twins' postseason performance after that point.
Always throw it back. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS!!
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at September 20, 2004 11:35 AMDearerst Goddess -
I adore you as well - and I'm cool with the disagreement.
well I don't know if he ruined the playoffs for us single handedly - it might have been a team effort ;-)
But I would never throw the ball back - it's mine!!!!! All mine ;-) And if I didn't want it I would give it to someone who wanted it and wouldn't throw it back.
Chances are I would never catch a homerun anyway because when I see a ball coming my way - it's usually duck and cover ;-)
Much Love -
Wonder Woman
As a devoted follower of the $6 Million Man back in the day, I laughed (audibly) by myself at your story, which I never do. "The impact jars loose his poor quality prosthetic arm." I'm still cracking up over that one. Brilliant. Thank you.
Posted by: Brundlefly at September 20, 2004 03:31 PM