Chicago at Twins. Twins 10, Bitch Sox 1
The other day Batgirl did an interview with Rita Maloney on KCCO 950. The interview took place behind home plate before Tuesday's game, and was, frankly, one of the greatest thrills of Batgirl's life. There was Corey Koskie, standing just a few feet away, and there was Bob Casey, and there was Clay Matvick. Batgirl swooned!
After the interview, Ms. Maloney asked Batgirl if she'd like to meet a couple of the players. Would she ever! J.C. Romero was standing on the field talking to a Bitch Sock, and Batgirl got to shake his hand. J.C. and Rita talked for a while, while Batgirl mentally focused on the next round of Minnesota Twins: Hot or Not. (Batgirl learned why JC wears the red undershirt; because he likes red. He doesn't like navy blue.) We then headed off the field, and Rita said, "Let's see if we can introduce you to anyone else. Oh, look, there's Kyle Lohse!"
As regular readers know, Batgirl has not been particulary nice to Mr. Lohse this year. The reason is Mr. Lohse has offended Batgirl. Not by sucking—hell, half the Twins have sucked this year. It's his insistence that he's not sucking, that he's not getting run support, that the infield is being positioned badly—that's what bothers Batgirl. It's important to own your suckiness. That's the first step to recovery.
So anyway, as Batgirl and Rita approached Mr. Lohse, Batgirl found herself thinking, "Wow, if he punches me, it's really going to hurt." And then she thought, "Thank God he can't read." See? See how mean Batgirl is? What's wrong with her, anyway? BatMom and Dad tried their best, they really did, they can't be blamed—but sometimes kids just come out all wrong.
Well, Mr. Lohse was nothing but pleasant to Batgirl, and they had a nice little chat; though Batgirl faltered at the end where she normally would have said, "You've been doing a great job." She started stuttering wildly instead, and he gave her a look, a look that clearly said, "You are full of ass-crap," and they parted and Batgirl went on her way.
Later, Batgirl realized what she should have said was something like, "Go out and get these guys, Lyle. I mean Kyle. I really want to beat 'em." And he would have broken out into a smile, his eyes would have sparkled, and maybe he even would have winked as he said, "Me, too, Batgirl. Me, too." And perhaps when he stepped out on the mound tonight, he would have remembered Batgirl's words and felt a surge of confidence. "Yes, I am Kyle Lohse, and I will set the bitches down."
Well, Kyle Lohse did not need Batgirl tonight. He built on an entirely adequate performance last week by pitching pretty dang well through seven innings. Sure, he left the ball up a little bit, but he stayed in control of the game—two starts in a row where he hasn't allowed a jillion-run inning, and that, my darlings, is progress.
Also of note was the game by one Dimples Cuddyer who had been entirely inadequate at third base earlier in the season but suddenly looks like he knows what he's doing out there. And Dr. Morneau, in addition to clearing the bases with a double to put the score at the utterly delicious humiliation point, actually went into the splits to get a nice Cuddy throw at one point—the lad has done quite nicely out there. We don't ask him to be Dougie Defense; we just ask him to be an above-average fielder and to hit the holy snot out of the ball. And he's more than happy to comply. (We usually don't ask Pat Borders and Augustus Ojeda to combine for four hits, two runs, and three RsBI, but if they want to do so, we're not complaining.)
Oh, how sweet it is. For, as you may have guessed, Batgirl wanted very, very badly to sweep the Bitch Sox—preferably in the most dominating fashion possible. And Batgirl, surely, was not alone—from LaVelle E. Neal to Twins Geek to Aaron Gleeman to Twins Fan Dan at Will Carroll's World to Dan Gladden, Bert Blyleven, and even sweet little Clay Matvick, the message was clear: We've had enough, Bitch Sox. Enough of your petty, stupid, jealous whining. You are all jackanapes, every single one of you. Just shut up and go home.
Well, my darlings, Kyle Lohse is getting himself together (AND IS THE HONORARY BOYFRIEND OF THE DAY!), the hitters are brutually hot, it's mid-September, and the magic number is 4. We're 26 games above the meridian, and we're going to fight out Oakland for home field advantage in the series. The Bitch Sox and the 'Toons, meanwhile, are going to fight it out for second place—and if they try really, really hard, they might both get back to .500. Dare to dream, guys. Dare to dream.
Posted by Batgirl at September 16, 2004 10:46 PMDearest Batgirl-
Thank- you very much for finding out the answer to my question about JC. I appreciate it.
-Stacy
Man...this could be one heck of a weekend.
But really, I don't know which I would like better: Us clinching the Division with Santana on the mound (thus helpling his Cy Young candidacy), or clinching the Division with Silva (who I guess acording to Chicago doesn't exist) at their own house.
The thing is that the soonest we could clinch is Saturday, while if Chicago goes 2-3 we could get it Sunday.
Basically, if they lose Friday, hope they win at LEAST the next two, so that Santana may sit down the biggest bitch of all: The ChiSux.
Posted by: Torhu at September 16, 2004 11:40 PM
*sacrifices bitch sox on an alter built of bats and the digested remains of Nick Punto*
Please declare K/Lyle Honorary boyfriend! Please!
Posted by: Mimiru at September 16, 2004 11:40 PMBatgirl~
I thought I'd start with a quick shot out to you and your website. A friend, and fellow batgirl-fanatic, turned me on to this website (and yeah, i mean way turned on!) a few weeks ago. You're accurate and unbiased opinions/commentary of the games is the best I've seen yet.
There is something to be said about reading your typical ESPN headline talking about how much the Twins have dominated the Bitchsox (and the rest of baseball) these past few years. I always get a great belly laugh at the "26-4" line the Twinkies put up this series. However, since I've come to the light (your website), I've come to believe that reading about the twins dominance of the website is almost better then sex. I would say it ranks right between flying solo and flying in a flock.
You're my hero.
Posted by: mauerpower at September 16, 2004 11:45 PMDominance of the Central.. not the website =)
Posted by: mauerpower at September 16, 2004 11:46 PMAugie's real name is Octavio. And he is STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON!!!!
And I can't wait for the next round of hot or not. You'd better have Pat Borders in there, since you know there are a few ladies who love him. He is kinda cute, despite being 20 years older than I am. Plus he has played his aging heart out for us. Bert and Dick called him Crash Davis tonight, because of what he did in the minors.
Posted by: Donnalove at September 17, 2004 12:16 AMThe Bitch Sox's new policy of tough talk, no walk or speaking loudly and leaving the stick at home makes them, in the Canadian language, "hosers." Furthermore, the Chicagoan word "sox" translates into English as "sock," and a sock is a kind of hose. So on Monday, the Twins will have several choices of how to address the Bitch Sox in Chicago:
English: "Sit down, bitch!"
Canadian: "Sit down, hoser!"
Chicagoan: "Hey, you! Yeah, you, wit' da helmet, I'm talkin' ta you! Siddown an' shaddup!"
The only question facing the Bitch Sox now is whether they're such hosers that even Ditka couldn't save them.
"Ditka an da Sox versus da French army."
"Can Ditka bench da Sox and go it alone?"
"No. He's gotta play da Sox."
"Aw, geez, den it's da French all da way."
Posted by: arrScott at September 17, 2004 02:22 AMDear BatGirl,
I do hope you realize that the Twins are not going to play the hapless A's in the first round of the playoffs. When the wildcard was introduced, it came with a rule that stated that teams from the same division cannot play each other in the first round, meaning that the Twins will face the wildcard winner should they hold on to second, while the A's will be left to their destruction against the winner of the East. However, by getting second, we would get home field, while at third we would not.
With love,
-IcePhoenix
I believe Batgirl did mean that we're racing Oakland for the #2 seed in the playoffs and all the spoils that go with it.
arrScott: that was hilarious. "Can Ditka bench da Sox and go it alone?" LOL!
Posted by: frightwig at September 17, 2004 02:59 AMAnother fine commentary, m'dear. Just one Q: Does Rita Maloney have excessive facial hair (that voice causes one to wonder). Sorry. She is actually a bright spot on an otherwise awful radio program (Mike Max is like Sid without the charm).
Posted by: blogboy at September 17, 2004 05:30 AMDear Batgirl -
Thank you, for you have exorcised the demon Lyle from Kyle - just by coming into contact with him!
I was so excited last night - that Kyle did not break down after we gave him a 5 run lead & he didn't have a hissy fit when a couple of calls didn't go his way.
And a big wahoooooooo to Michael - good job - big guy!
Much Peace and Love -
Wonder Woman
Of course Bat-Girl deserves a lot of the credit for Kyle's nice outing, but apparently Pat Borders has reached the "inner Kyle."
From today's Strib: Lohse said "before my first start (with Borders) we talked about what makes me, me."
I know with age comes wisdom and insight but wow, who knew that Borders was such a guru? Looks like PB is set up nicely for a post-baseball career as a "personal identity trainer."
For those who listened to the game last night...Dan Gladden said he was wondering why the...err...other team...didn't have in their prospects. It's the end of the year, they're cleary not going to win (discounting some weird miracle); it would be the perfect time. So he went over to the Chicago media booth. They responded, "Uh, we don't have any."
And that, my friends, is what explains exactly why: the Chicago team and fans are jealous; they have to whine that injuries don't hurt them (but haven't hurt us); and we're winning the division.
And it made me smile.
BatGirl, you truly are the highlight of my mornings :)
Beth
Posted by: JustBeth at September 17, 2004 08:43 AMI love it whenever I go to a game where the "Walks Will Haunt!" ghost on the Jumbotron ends up saying "I told you so!" thus rekindling one of my best childhood memories of the Metrodome. Thank you, Bitch Sox, for intentionally walking Torii Hunter to load the bases for Justin Morneau, and thank you, Aaron Rowland, for lurching right when scorching liner was left. Thank you!
Posted by: Silo at September 17, 2004 08:58 AMAs a Cubs fan, I must say there are few things I like more than coming to this site and reading about the adventures of the hapless Pale Hose. Sox fans have been boasting about the superiority of their team for years (this year, I have already heard several claim that their "rotation" is superior to ours). Watching the Sox turn into a quivering mess against the Twins every September is now an annual tradition in my house, like Christmas and bath day. One thing though, Ditka is a devout Cub fan, and wouldn't throw down on the Sox behalf, unless Green Bay was granted an American League franchise.
Posted by: CT at September 17, 2004 09:24 AMFinally an opportunity to thank the Cubs (albeit through a fan).
CT, the Sox had just swept the Twins at the Dome, and were feeling REALLY big about themselves. Your Cubs went to work and swept them 1-2-3 the series immediately after. In the meantime, the Twins went 2 of 3 against Arizona. And the rest is history.
So the next time you're at the game, thank the Cubs once for me will ya? ;)
And the best part of this whole series: The Sox got beat (read: KILLED) by two of the three pitchers they had just slammed the days previous.
Fun enough, one of the pitchers actually went head to head and beat the guy that said it too! Now they're looking REALLY bad.
Posted by: Torhu at September 17, 2004 09:41 AM"Buehrle claimed Hunter kept looking into the White Sox dugout between innings..."
Aaaaw. Did the big, mean baseball man LOOK at you??
Puh-leeze. Go home, you big whiny babies. Lick your wounds and have a rest because next week we're coming down there to do it again in YOUR house, just in case you haven't yet gotten the message.
And it seems that just being in your presence has turned Lohsie around, Batgirl. Your powers are mighty.
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at September 17, 2004 09:44 AMarrscott, that was fantastic! I wish the SNL crew was still together to work that in their "Da Bears" skit.
Posted by: mmmarkiep at September 17, 2004 10:17 AMI was sitting in the upper deck in left field last night, and some girls a few rows in front of us had a sign that said "I love you, Boo!" This makes me wonder if it was a BatLing or just somebody who knows somebody they call "Boo." Anybody?
Posted by: Andre at September 17, 2004 11:00 AMI was feeling ill last night. Maybe it's work stress, maybe it's the flu. The budding headache at 6:30 was bad enough to cause me to forget to wear my Santana/Nathan "Sit Down, Bitch!" shirt to the game.
Fortunately, my lovely companion was smart enough to come attired in both a Bat-Girl T and a Hunter jersey. Not much gets past Lovely Companion. In fact, Lovely Companion was even kind enough to clap quietly, and scream not at all, in deference to the growing pain in my noggin -- even as the Twins opened up a substantial lead on the Wind Sox.
This little experiment answered some questions that have bedeviled this batling for some time:
* Can a Twins win cure a severe headache? (no)
* Can a sick batling bring himself to leave the Dome early when his Twins are clearly going to win? (no)
* Will the headache-encumbered resist rising to their feet when Cuddy single-handedly (well, almost -- thanks Justin!) snuffs out a Sox rally? (No. As painful as it was I could not remain seated.)
* Is Advil and a good night's sleep better than a Twins sweep of the Bitch Sox late in the season? No...nothing is better than that.
It seems that after just two decent starts, Batgirl's prophecy last week is coming to pass: Lohse is astrally projecting himself into the postseason rotation.
Posted by: frightwig at September 17, 2004 03:11 PMI went to the game last night, and it confirmed that the Sox are at this point are beneath contempt. There is nothing worse than watching a "professional" baseball team go through the motions, without enough pride to give an effort. Carlos Lee set the tone in the first inning when with a man on first, he hit a SLOW ground ball to Guzman, who threw to Ojeda to barely get the runner out, and Ojeda threw to Morneau to get the hustling Carlos Lee by only about...30 feet. Nice effort, it beats Konerko's hustle the night before when his ball hit the top of the dome and fell for a hit--a single. Any Twin would have had a double or triple.
On the brighter side, I got many compliments on my Santana Nathan hat I wore last night.
It was nice to see our sexy boys of summer kick those whiny bitch sox asses in a three game sweep...Brings a joyful tear to my eyes...
I'd like to say meeting players is one of the best things to do...Lohse although a little bitchlette sometimes is a very cool guy to meet in person and same for JC Romero...Or J.Ro as i like to call him...He yacked with me and my cousin for a while after a failed attempt to get a picture of him sticking out his tongue...We asked him to do it again but in his intresting JC accent he said "I only do dat once a yeer"
So...to end this rant of...nothing-ness...I'd like to say...in a typical screaming girl fashion GO TWINS
Posted by: Bojangles Crain at September 17, 2004 08:41 PM