Twins at Texas. Texas 8, Twins 3.
Okay, the bad news is that the Twins lost. Well, that's not really the bad news. The bad news, really, is that our starters numbered "three," "four," and "five," are continuing their seaon-long pattern of being as consistent as Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Sucky-Pitcher Pants. I mean, if you're going to ingest some scary drug that transforms you into a completely different person, can't you become, like, Tim Hudson? Please? I mean, look at Chan Ho Park; whatever part of the season he hasn't spent in Triple A he's spent in various emergency rooms and other medical care facilities. And it sure looked like he might have to go quickly back to one of those in first inning today, what with loading the bases with one out. Sure, he then struck Lew Ford out, but then he was about to get a taste of something I like to call Corey Koskie. How do you like them apples, Chan Ho? Parlez-Vous Canadian? You're going to wish you did! Koskie's going to hit the ball so far you’re going to be put on last year's disabled list! He's going to hit the ball so hard it's going to give your mother whiplash! He's going to burst your other appendix and then you won't have any left and your sister's going to have to donate an appendix to you, and then she'll be missing an appendix, and it'll be your fault! He's going to stuff your mouth so full of maple leaves they're going to start coming out of your ass! And then you're going to have to go to the emergency room, and they'll say, "What happened this time, Chan Ho?" And you'll have to say, "I have maple leaves coming out of my ass!" And they'll say, "Oh, because Corey Koskie hit the ball so far it hired a pilot and two flight attendants?" And you'll say, "Yeah, that's right, ha ha, now can we stop talking about it so you can get these maple leaves out of my ass?" And they'll say, "I'm sorry, we just don't have that kind of technology. There really hasn't been much progress in the field of maple-leaf-ass-removal since Wayne Gretzky scored five goals off the Flyers in '82. We operated for two weeks on goalie Pete Peeters." And you'll say, "You fixed him?" And they'll say, "Well, let's just say Mrs. Peeters always knows when it's fall." And you'll say, "You mean I'm supposed to just walk around with maple leaves coming out my ass? I'm a major league pitcher!" And they'll say, "No, actually, you're not. You've been put on the DL again until someone can stop those maple leaves from coming out of your ass." And you'll say, "What? That's not fair! I can still pitch." And they'll say, "Yeah, but Buck Showalter doesn't want any pitcher of his walking around with maple leaves coming out of his ass." And you'll say, "That's patently absurd. Let me talk to Buck." And they'll say, "That's not wise, Chan Ho. I don't think you'll want to leave this room. We're in Texas, and you don't want to walk around with maple leaves coming out of your ass. People here don't truck with that Frenchie shit." And you'll say, "Well, what am I supposed to do now? I have maple leaves coming out of my ass!" And they say, "I suggest learning some Canadian, Mr. Park. I think you might be very popular in Canada."
Or else Corey would fly out on the second pitch to deep left field to end the Twins' last scoring chance for six innings, and then Terence John Mulholland would pitch like he had maple leaves coming out of his ass. Either way.
Batgirl isn't concerned about the loss, really, and she's glad that Mr. Park doesn't have to suffer the same fate of Mr. Peeters, really, she is. And the Twins have managed to build up a commanding division lead even with a rotation of Radke, Supernatural, Mr. Sucky Pitcher, Mr. Sucky Pitcher, Dr. Jeckyll, Radke, Supernatual, Mr. Sucky Pitcher, Dr. Jeckyll, Mr. Sucky Pitcher. God knows how. And if we knew who exactly was drinking the sucky juice at any particular time, then we could plan accordingly. But, assuming this triumvirate of trepidation doesn't all drink the Kool-aid at once and drop us to .475, we'll be heading to the playoffs. I'm not asking for five good starters, or even four. I'm just asking one of you—yes, that's you Carlos, and you Kyle, and you Terence John, to put a string of good starts together so we can count on you for October, otherwise Batgirl's going to have to stuff maple leaves in her own mouth just to stop the pain, and we know where that leads.
Posted by Batgirl at August 26, 2004 10:30 PMMaple Leafs oot the ass sounds like a medical condition that only a jarring hit into the boards by Matt Johnson or Willie MItchell could cure. Now that I think of it, A hockey edition of Bat-Girl might be cool
Posted by: LunchBox at August 26, 2004 10:59 PMI can't breathe.....I can't breathe! Ahhhh! Too much laughing, may suffocate.....
Batgirl, its not fair. You cause me pain the belly region.
Oh well. If we can't have the Twins win every game, at least we can have Batgirl causing unsanitary conditions through humor.
T(fL)T
PS. Please note. LondonTwin has now relocated for the next three months. He has been re-spawned TexasTwin! (Arriving just as the teams leaves, sigh.)
Posted by: Texas (Formerly London) Twin at August 26, 2004 11:04 PMWow. A Pete Peeters sighting.
My wife really wants to know why I'm laughing to the point of crying over here, but my mother is visiting and I can't say 'maple leaves' and 'ass' together without getting the Penguin ruler treatment from Blues Brothers, so she's just gonna have to wait and read it herself.
Tonight's edition is SO true. But I still want to call Kyle Lohse's "Mr. Sucky-Pitcher" Lyle Kohse. I splained the theory in my last post, but its really mostly cause the name Lyle makes me giggle.
Now may we all sleep soundly, sweet dreams dancing in our head of the spicy Johan Santana and the studly Dr. Morneau.
Brilliant post, BatGirl. Brilliant. Now I'm going to look on WebMD for "maple leaves out the ass" and see what I come up with.
Posted by: Anita at August 27, 2004 04:50 AMHey, this isn't anything to be joking about. I've have MLCOTA, and it's just not pretty. Can we be just the least bit sensitive here!
Batgirl, you're the tops.
Posted by: BlobBoy at August 27, 2004 06:17 AMI sense much anger in this post. Anger at Chan Ho Park. Anger at the Texas Rangers. Anger at the Twins pitching staff. I think the Twins are angry too. And as Yoda once said, "Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."
Except Yoda was full of, um, rectal maple leaves. Those who repress their emotions, like Yoda, see any passionate release as a dangerous threat. Young Luke had a lot of anger at his father to work through - as would any child whose father abandoned him to join the New York Yankees. But Luke ignored Yoda and told his father what's what in the coolest sword-fight in cinema history. Only then could he let his anger go and throw his sword aside to defy George Steinbrenner and calmly reject the Dark Side.
If the Twins would follow Luke's example, or BatGirl's, and just allow themselves to experience their anger, to get it out and get over it, perhaps their occasional losses would not threaten to spiral into week-long suckfests.
But some of the Twins seem to have taken Yoda's message too much to heart, much like Yoda's fellow Frank Oz puppet Tom Kelly once taught them.
I have to imagine that the climactic duel between Corey and the chair in "The Return of the Koskie" went something like this:
INT JACOBS FIELD - LOCKER ROOM
COREY
I will not fight you, chair.
CHAIR
You cannot hit .183 forever, Corey.
COREY
I will not fight you, okay?
CHAIR
Give yourself to the Dark Side. It is the only way you can save your team. Yes, your thoughts betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for ...
The chair stops and senses something. Corey shuts his eyes tightly, in anguish.
CHAIR
Morneau! So ... you have a countryman. Your feelings have now betrayed him, too. Terry Ryan was wise to hide him from me. Now his failure is complete. If you will not turn to the Dark Side, perhaps he will.
COREY
Never-r-r!
Corey swings his bat and screams in anger, rushing at the chair with a frenzy not seen before. Woodchips fly as Corey and the chair fight in the cramped area. Corey's hatred forces the chair to retreat. The chair is knocked to the ground, and Corey smashes its back padding off. Corey has vanquished the chair, and a look of mischievous determination comes over him as his anger passes away. He has never felt so good, nor so free of anger and tension.
LOHSE
Dude! Stop! That is so uncool!
SILVA
Si! Remember what TK taught you - you must keep your anger inside and never let it show.
LOHSE
Like we do. You think we don't get angry when we pitch like Mr. Sucky Pants? Sure, we get plenty angry. But we take that anger and bury it deep down inside, where it can never do anyone any harm. That's what makes us the pitchers we are.
SILVA
Truly, Senor Cordel, you must not give vent to your anger, for once you start down that path forever will it dominate your destiny.
COREY
I once thought as you do; but now that I have defeated the chair, all my anger is gone. Instead of angry I feel ... peaceful. Confident. Ready to start dominating other teams' destinies. But I think I'm gonna need a new bat, eh.
Exit Corey.
SILVA
Mi amigo, is Senor Cordel verdad? Was TK wrong about burying our anger inside? Could releasing our hatred allow us finally to defeat Mr. Sucky Pants?
LOHSE
Nah.
I was much more offended by the Twins not generating much in the way of runs or hits or maple-leaf blockages against Mr. "There's another ball leaving the" Park, than at the pitching of Terrance John or most any of the others on the Twins staff (Supernatural excluded).
Fact is, there's a reason why the Rangers are hanging around the race to this point. And it's not very related to their pitching. They have a pretty good young offense, with lots of power threats. Personally, I think it is among the scariest west of the Yankees (and it does not include Enrique Wilson). The conventional wisdom is that teams should play at least .500 ball on the road. We are right on track for this trip (and oh-so-close to .750) and eight games up. All is right with our world. As Mike Tice would say, "ennnjoyyy the seeaaaason."
Posted by: Franorama at August 27, 2004 08:25 AMYes, please, would ONE real pitcher please stand up...I don't think three reliable pitchers are too much to ask for.
By the way, Dan Barreiro used the "drink the kool-aid" phrase yesterday. The 14 year old he used it on and his on-air cohort were all completely confused. I’m sure, however, that the phrase will not be lost on your highly intelligent readers.
On to Anaheim and back to the non-sucky portion of our rotation!
Dave
Preach it, sistah!
And arrScott, I must give you props. THAT was one inspired post.
My children, just the other night, suggested that perhaps we provide chairs for the Mssrs. Sucky Pitcher to "go Koskie" on. Such bright children.
Fourteen and counting. Oh, Canada!
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at August 27, 2004 08:53 AMto anyone who still cares:
after jockeying with frightwig about "rooting for laundry", i racked my brain for where i heard this before. of course, gregg easterbrook's article reminded me -- it turns out that pliny the younger noticed this aspect of human nature almost 2000 years ago:
Regarding a chariot race, pliny wrote "In fact, it is the racing colors the crowd cares about, and if the colors were to be exchanged in midcourse during a race they would transfer their favor and enthusiasm, and rapidly desert the famous drivers and horses whose names they shout."
easterbrook goes on to say that with all the changes in san francisco's 49ers team, the fans will still cheer and root for the 49ers, and not for the departed garcia and owens.
i had been questioning myself and my feelings as a result of our discussion. should i dislike gordon? how could i have wanted randy johnson to come to new york after 1995 and 2001? what kind of person have i become? but now i think i understand better. it is ok for me to root for gordon as a yankee, just as it is ok for me to feel good about dougie hitting a home run for boston (and i do). certain players will always hold a place in my heart for what they accomplished for me as a result of them playing for a team i root for, or their contribution to the game of baseball in general. and it is ok to have these feelings. and if anyone else opts to hate a player who gives 110% for their team of choice, simply because he played for another team, well, that's ok too. :) group hug anyone?
validatingly yours,
YankeeFan
Wow. I haven't laughed that hard at something on the internet since ... well.. it was most likely a Batgirl something or other.
I may be getting ahead of myself but ... what's the Twins magic number? Isn't there someone with a website for that?
Posted by: mmmarkiep at August 27, 2004 09:05 AMThoughtful post, Yank. I agree. Personally, and as ball players, I like Jeter, and A-Rod, and Giambi, too. However, I don't particularly care much for the Yankees. Another post of yours had me rethinking my general dislike for Yankee fans. I realized it wasn't the true Yankee FANS that I dislike but the only-around-for-the-playoffs-and-only-if-we're-winning-then-we-gloat Yankee fans that irritate the ever living hell out of me.
Posted by: mmmarkiep at August 27, 2004 09:10 AMAh yes, mmmarkiep, I've been meaning to suggest to Batgirl that a well-placed tasteful magic number countdown (for permanently sitting down ALL those various bitches) could be most useful around here!
(Permanently = for the season, of course.)
Posted by: She-Ra, P.O.P. at August 27, 2004 09:24 AMI could be wrong, but I believe the Twins' magic number is 29 versus the Bitch Sox and 27 versus the Indigenous Persons. Anyone care to check my math for me?
"Well, let's just say Mrs. Peeters always knows when it's fall."
That is classic.
I was much surprised to see Mr. Ho Park pitch well against the Twins.
Batgirl, feel free to fill in the 3-4-5 spots of your rotation with any of KC's pitchers. Seriously... Please, take them.
(where can I read Gregg Easterbrook's column? he was on ESPN.com last year for a while but disappeared suddenly... mysteriously...)
Posted by: Royals Fan at August 27, 2004 10:31 AMbatgirl: you are awesome.
Posted by: jordan at August 27, 2004 11:16 AMBobbie I 2nd your math. Does not mean you are right though, just that I made the same mistakes :)
Once again, Batgirl proves she is PURE GENIUS!
Posted by: Stacy at August 27, 2004 12:13 PMOf course, you could be the Diamondbacks. We'd kill for Dr. Jekyll as our 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12 pitchers have all, with very little exception, pitcher like Mr. Sucky-Pitcher Pants.
I'm actually considering investing in some maple leaves and trying the buttocks-implantation method with our staff because anything's got to be better than what we (and Messrs Three through Twelve) have been throwing out there.
Non-quality startingly yours,
Diamondbacks Fan
Tears. Streaming down my face. Beautiful.
Posted by: Chris at August 27, 2004 01:40 PMMr. Easterbrook has moved to www.nfl.com now. He got in trouble last year when he called the head of Disney (owners of ESPN) out on the carpet for producing Kill Bill or some such other movie.
But yes, TMQ has moved to NFL.com, and if he ever magically dissapears from there for some reason, you writes for The New Republic and I know last year he had the whole saga posted there.
Back to your regularly scheduled Batgirling...
Posted by: RsmithX at August 27, 2004 01:49 PMBatgirl: that was inspired. The ER dialogue made me laugh so hard, I started coughing.
arrScott: to quote Master Yoda from 'The Empire Strikes Back' is to draw from the font of eternal wisdom. Quoting from one of the prequels just calls to mind the stench of ass-crap.
Yankee Fan: hail to you. You can come over to cheer for the red & white laundry of Arsenal at my house anytime.
Posted by: frightwig at August 27, 2004 03:06 PMBatgirl,
I hate to pick a nit, but the Twins scored 3 runs last night, not 2. A loss is a loss, but when we look back through the archives, it should be as accurate as possible, especially when we look fondly back on the maple leaf ass episode.
Posted by: freealonzo at August 27, 2004 03:37 PMDearest Mr. Alonzo,
Oh dear. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Batgirl