Twins at Texas. Twins 8, Rangers 5.
There was a time when things were all very globalist in the Twins dugout. You had Dominicans and Canadians playing cards, Venezuelans and guys from wherever the hell Matt LeCroy's from sitting side by side. It was a whole pan-American love fest, a model UN, North America and South America holding each other close, whispering about NAFTA and other indoor sports.
That was before the Olympics started, and keyed off a patriotic frenzy in the Twins clubhouse. Somewhere between synchronized diving and the handball tournament, the whispers started. "Hey, nice Dressage, Canada; you sure pissed all over your piaffs," chuckled a voice in the clubhouse. "Oh, yeah?" came the retort. "Your rowing eight sucks coxswain."
Clearly, the harmony had ended. The global bonhomie had been replaced by separatist acrimony that threatened to tear the Twins apart. Flags started popping up in sections of the clubhouse, from Venezuela, the Dominican Republic, Australia, Canada, and wherever the hell Matt LeCroy's from. Pointed notes were left in lockers with the results of the previous night's competition. Looks like you blew it again in handball, blared a message on Corey Koskie's locker. Was that your mother weightlifting yesterday? inquired a missive scrawled on Juan Rincon's jock strap.
No longer are the Minnesota Twins playing as a team. The roster has now devolved into a lose collection nationalist factions determined to garner glory for their home nations. No longer are the games about the Twins versus their opponents, or about the standings in the AL Central; no, now they are an intra-western hemisphere battle between the forces of Canada and the forces of Venezuela. Only one will survive. That's right, today it's time for the first edition of:
Now, all the Americans are caught in the middle, forced to either take sides or, like Shannon Stewart and Michael Cuddyer, don a beret and try to become a humanoid Switzerland. Then, of course, they all started rooting for the Swiss team in synchronized swimming, and matters got totally out of control.
In today's game, it seemed the Canadians were going to prevail early. The undynamic duo were responsible for two of the first inning's four RBIs, an inning which ended on a Henry "Mango Face" Blanco double play. Then in the 4th, Dr. Morneau gave Kyle Lohse an insurance run, which he sorely needed, by hitting the ball in the general direction of Venezuela. His point was clear.
Meanwhile, one Venezuelan was quietly hitting his way into national folklore. In the second inning, Luis Rivas led off with a double, then in his next at bat he hustled for a triple, shouting as he rounded second base, Victoria para la gente! In the 8th, Rivas added a homer to the mix, causing Carlos Silva and Johan Santana to wrap themselves in the Venezuelan flag and jog around the bases with him.
By the time Juan Rincon came in to pitch, tensions were higher than when Carly Patterson accidentally sat down next to Svetlana Khorkina on the Olympic shuttle. Boo's job was to get the last out in the eighth—which he did, after giving up a double and a walk. Call it a draw.
In fact, no country had clear supremacy until the ninth inning, when Joe Nathan looked as if he were going to continue his week-long meltdown. Nathan walked the lead-off runner, then gave up a single to David Dellucci, then proceeded to strike out two, then walk the bases loaded. Two outs, Laynce Nix up to bat, and Henry Blanco approaches the mound and says one word to Joe Nathan. What that word was, I do not know, but it caused Nix to fly out to deep center for the game's third out. And that gave Team Venezuela the win—in addition to the Minnesota Twins. La Victoria!
Posted by Batgirl at August 25, 2004 11:26 PMBatgirl makes me laugh out loud daily.
Posted by: Neil at August 25, 2004 11:55 PMDon't you like how Venezuela kind of looks like someone giving a thumbs down?
Posted by: Andy at August 25, 2004 11:57 PMJust when you think things have finally settled down after Canada's 10-7 win over Venezuela at the 2002 Pan Am Jr. Water Polo Championship, this happens. *shakes head* Boys will be boys.
Posted by: Will at August 26, 2004 12:12 AMhey i am a sometimes-reader of your site. i'm from MN but go to school in TX and was at the game tonight. a personal favorite moment of mine was when Mark Teixeira had to jump to get the ball for what would've been a double play for Texas, only to be NOT ON THE BASE for the would-be-out.
Posted by: john guari at August 26, 2004 02:07 AMI believe it is Kyle Lohse's fault that things have not gone so well for Rincon and Nathan. He stole their mojo for that Cleveland performance and left them with nothing.
Unfortunately for Kyle, those guys are not starters, so the talent he stole was unable to sustain him through this game. Now be a good boy and give it back, Kyle. And for the love of God, stay away from Santana!
Posted by: E at August 26, 2004 08:27 AMSniff... sniff... What is that?
Kinda smells like... ASS CRAP!
BatGirl, I think it's time for you to have another chat with Lohsey. And maybe have Mr. Nathan sit in on it with you, just to be safe.
Team Venezuela may be the victors in last night's outing, but Cordel's thirteen-game hitting streak ought to earn some extra points for Canada, doncha think?? He's so scary, they intentionally walked him.
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at August 26, 2004 08:53 AMEvery time I saw Ford on TV last night, ESPECIALLY his strained expression as he legs out an infield hit, I would start laughing and thinking "freckle faced idiot savant."
Posted by: mmmarkiep at August 26, 2004 09:19 AMPardon the interruption but according to my primary source for spelling and grammatical etiquette (Bert Blyleven) the correct term for individuals from the great thumbs down nation is Venezuelians.
Further, I believe the retort in the clubhouse was actually “Take off, eh? Your rowing eight sucks coxswain so give in to the dark side you hoser!”
As far as the final words to Nathan on the mound….my guess is Henry offered one of the following:
1) Hey Joe – grandes noticias! Ahorré el dinero enorme en seguro de mi coche
2) Hey Joe – no mas….pare con el crap del asno
or maybe simply
3) rosa bud.
Lets just hope that Grant Ballfour does not get swept up in this battle of national pride and decide to duplicate the current trend for Aussie Olympians: http://www.heraldsun.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5478,10542817%255E1702,00.html
All I know is I hope the battle continues because in the end we all win. The other thing I know if that I am proud to be an American where at least I know I’m free……..Oh GOD I hate that damn song.
Dave (who will now be looking for a web radio station that will be able to wipe that awful song out of my brain’s RAM)
AAAHHHH, the sound of Victory. The Twins won and my Rivas did his nation (and me) proud. It's too bad he didn't hit for the cycle. I thought it was a good idea to try to bunt it. But that's okay, he said he'll just try again today. Let's hope he has some more luck on his side.
Posted by: Rods at August 26, 2004 09:30 AMCanazuela - Canada and Venezuela
Best of both worlds. They could make their own country were everyone can show off in every game. Works for me. :P
"[I'll] just try again today."
For the single?! Or the cycle? ;)
Posted by: Old Town at August 26, 2004 10:01 AMCanazuela - I like it.
Posted by: michaelkmcneil at August 26, 2004 10:36 AMThanks a lot Dave. I too hate that song and it is now firmly entrenched in my mind.
Posted by: The 7th Angel at August 26, 2004 10:44 AMMisery loves company 7th Angel! (which I guess is a good thing for BitchSox and 'Toons players)
Posted by: SDave at August 26, 2004 11:11 AMLOL, I hope it's for the cycle, but any string of hits works for me.
"I tried to hit the ball hard in the ninth, but I didn't get lucky," Rivas said. "I'll try tomorrow."
Dang it! Why couldn't that jerk face Texas dude have just let the ball drop in front of him? I mean, Teixeria got the cycle a couple weeks ago, so Texas has already had one.
lol, I also learned a few new words from Steve Smith. I wonder if I use them in class today if I will get in trouble...
Oh yeah, just wanted to apologize for my past and maybe future 'Best of Both Worlds'. I'm having some RFR (Radio Free Roscoe) issues. :P But I do have to say, the 'best of both worlds' are fun to make. Season 3 of RFR premieres on friday, I'm having trouble waiting patiently.
Posted by: Rods at August 26, 2004 12:26 PMYou shot who in the what now?
Posted by: Skorch at August 26, 2004 01:01 PMOr perhaps, Venada --
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=venada
\Ve*na"da\, N. [Cf. Sp. venado a does, stag.] (Zo["o]l.) The pudu.
so you look up "pudu" and get: A very small deer (Pudua humilis), native of the Chilian Andes. It has simple spikelike antlers, only two or three inches long.
Source: Websters Dictionary
Venezuela v. Canada, or Venada -- The Battle of the Pudu Boys
Posted by: Hart at August 26, 2004 01:29 PMCool, Hart.
I was actually thinking of something along the lines of Venada as another choice. But Canazuela stuck with me. Maybe that's a good thing.
I would just like Paddy to know that I, with my girlfriend, have watched every minute of the equestrian competition in Greece... yea, Dressage and all. One week ago, I never heard of a Piaff. Now I feel like an expert on the subject.
Posted by: frightwig at August 26, 2004 02:48 PMKyle Lohse's pitching has had me somewhat distraught as of late... "Is this the same rising star for whom we cheered so passionately in past years?" I wondered. To answer my question, I turned to the team psychiatrists, who have finally diagnosed the mental breakdown we have seen in our young patch-bearded friend. His evil alter ego, Lyle Kohse (a Bitch Sox fan) has been sneakily taking his body over during games. This also seems to cause poor Kyle to black-out and not remember his performances correctly, as indicated by his comments following each struggled outing. "I had good stuff last night," Kyle seems to remember the next morning. "I felt good, and I was locating pitches where I wanted." Somewhere inside Kyle's brain, Lyle cackles hysterically. Will Kyle be able to put Lyle to rest before the playoffs? I guess we'll just have to see...
ps- official santana/nathan campaign rally on friday- i'm SO there. you might've seen me on espn last week with my santana/nathan sign at the TC/Yanks game. ;)
Posted by: aussie at August 26, 2004 03:35 PM