Cleveland at Twins. Twins 8, Offensive Cartoons 1

About an hour before today's game, Corey Koskie and Justin Morneau could be seen huddling in the clubhouse. This is not unusual; as has been well-documented, Corey has taken little Justin under his oft surgically-reparied wing since his call-up from Rochester (despite the unimpeachable divide formed by their tremendous philosophical differences over the merits of the Edmonton Oilers v. the Vancouver Canucks). Koskie's given Morneau fielding advice, kept the big boys from picking on him too much, and taken him out to paint the town red and white—all without either of them ever making a facial expression.

But today, their conversation—which one couldn't call heated, really, given the two participating; perhaps we could say it was "lukewarm,"—was not, as observers thought, about how to get Grant Balfour back for the things he said about the Canadian volleyball team. That would come later. They had more serious matters at hand. And as the discussed continued, they motioned over to today's starting pitcher, one Terence John Mulholland, and asked him to join them.

"What's up, guys?" asked Terence John.

"TJ, Justin and I were talking…and, well…" Corey gulped stoically and nodded to Morneau.

"Well, Mr. Mulholland, Justin continued "You’ve taught us so much, you've been like a grandfather to me, and today's an important start. So, well…" He gulped stoically and nodded back to Koskie.

"You were so great last week, you really inspired us all when we needed it, and, well…We'd like to make you an honorary Canadian."

Mulholland's eyes bugged out. "Guys, I'm so flattered! That means so much!" He reached his arms out and leaned toward the two infielders.

"Woah!" Koskie put his hands up. "No hugging!"

Mulholland nodded "Well, guys, thanks a lot. I'm really touched. We'll do it for the motherland, eh?" he winked.

Koskie and Morneau exchanged a glance. "Hey, TJ, we don't say 'eh' all the time, you know?" Koskie said quietly. "It's not aboot that, eh?"

"Okay," said Mulholland. "Um, how about…Go Toronto Maple Leaves!"

"Oh, no man, the Canucks are your team," said Morneau quickly.

"Don't listen to him, TJ, he's too young to know whereof he speaks. It's all aboot the Oilers. Trust your Canadian brother!"

So, anyway, the three Canadians argued through the morning, while Luis Rivas played cards, Torii Hunter simonized his head, Lew Ford practiced counting to three, and Juan Rincon got his braces tightened.

Was it any wonder Terence John pitched so well today? A man who once bled red, white, and blue suddenly only had to bleed red and white. He spent much of the first couple innings trying to remember the lyrics to "O Canada," or at the very least to "God Bless Canada", which put him in a zen state similar to that of Eppy Calvin "Nuke" LaLouche in Bull Durham when he was wearing women's underwear.

In the 3rd inning, when Mulholland realized he couldn't actually get past the part in the anthem that goes "O Canada," he faltered a bit, giving up singles to Ronnie Belliard and Omar Vizquel…but then Torii Hunter threw a perfect strike to Koskie to get Belliard out at third. Hunter had singlehandedly created a run in the second inning, getting on first on a fielding error, stealing second (You can't catch him. You can't even see him! Don't even try!), then hustling to third on a Koskie fly, and home on a Guzie sac fly. All in all, very impressive, and after the Belliard out Morneau looked at Mulholland who looked at Koskie, and all three of them nodded at each other, as if their minds were one. "You're next," Koskie mouthed languidly to Hunter, who started to back away slowly.

But the sentiment only grew as Hunter followed Morneau's typically-long bomb to right with a pretty impressive shot to left, giving the Twins and Mulholland a 3-1 lead, and that's all Canada needed. In the clubhouse, the twin towers of the Northland looked meaningfully at Hunter, who said, "No, man, get your Canada-lovin' ass away from me!"

No matter. The Twins still added four runs in the fifth inning using classic American small ball; you know, getting hits and walks and slowly advancing the runners around the bases. In the eighth, Corey Koskie showed how much more efficient the Canadian method was, hitting one over the baggie for his 18th home run in the last 7 games. "I do it for my country," he said in the dugout later. "Damn straight," added Mulholland.

Now, I've given Terence John Mulholland a Canadian Rockies-sized mountain of crap this year, largely because of his tremendously advanced age, not to mention that whole Oakland game over which Batgirl held a grudge for a good week. But that is one classy freakishly-old dude. He's pitched in just about every kind of situation this year without once complaining; you never hear him spouting off in the press about when he gets pulled from games or what kind of run support he gets. He just goes out there and pitches, and frankly, often he's pitched quite well. Plus he's been like a grandfather, not just to Morneau, but to the other players on the team, mentoring them through all the vagaries of a baseball season—and his facial hair in no way resembles chin pubes. That is certainly worth the honor and respect of Batgirl, not to mention the whole nation of Canada.

Posted by Batgirl at August 21, 2004 04:28 PM