When Justin Morneau was called up a few weeks ago, he didn't have a place to live. So he called up his friend Joe Mauer and asked if he might crash at his house. Joe checked with his mom who said it would be fine, as long as they behaved.
So Justin moved in with the Mauers. Everything went well for the first few days; Justin proved a well-mannered and quiet guest, and Mrs. Mauer was heard to remark that he seemed like a nice young boy, and a good friend for young Joe.
But soon things turned sour. Mrs. Mauer simply couldn't keep up with the two boys' appetites. They'd come home from games late, and blast that strange music Matt LeCroy gave them at all hours. Then, one Sunday morning, the two boys were playing baseball in front of the house and Morneau hit a ball through Mrs. Mauer's bedroom window. The ball traveled through the room, out the window on the other side, through two neighbors' houses, then it crashed into window of the Presbyterian church down the street, where it hit Pastor Boyd right between the eyes right in the middle of his sermon.
That was enough for Mrs. Mauer.
"I've had enough!"
"You boys have to find your own place to live! I can't take it anymore!"
But finding an apartment proved harder than the boys thought, especially for two young men making the major league minimum.
"There's NOTHING in here!"
"What are we going to do? I'm tired of sleeping on FieldTurf! It smells like Corey Koskie!"
But, as Joe Mauer found, there was one vacancy in town…
"Hey, this place looks nice!"
Only there was one catch…
It was a building for women!
Hmmmm….
So Justin and Joe made one adjustment.
Now the girls know them as Buffy and Hildegarde.
But also as Joe and Justin, Buffy and Hildy's brothers.
See? It's all perfectly normal!
Hit it, Billy Joel!:
I don't need you to worry for me, 'cuz I'm all right!
I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home.
I don't care what you say anymore, cuz it's my life!"
Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone!
Well, things went pretty well for Justin and Joe… I mean Buffy and Hildy! They got along great with the girls in their apartment, and it sure was convenient to the Metrodome and lots of fine dining establishments!
"Boy, I'm sure glad Joe found this place!"
But their new life certainly had its complications….
Like when Justin Morneau forgot to take his earrings off for BP! It's not going to be long before Jacque Jones notices that.
Fortunately, "Buffy" was right there! Mauer sauntered up while Jacque Jones wasn't looking…
"Hey Buddy. Great swing…"
"Nothing to see here!"
Or when they go out with their girlfriends for a night on the town.
"Man, I never knew how good appletinis were!"
The evening was going pretty well. Joe found he had a new ability to talk to women, and he made some new friends. I wonder if Buffy's brother might give some of these gals a call!
But the evening took a bad turn when some familiar faces entered the bar.
"My…you sure are a …husky woman. My name is Johan Santana, and I would like to make love to you."
"That was a crazy night, Buffy."
"Damn straight, Hildy. Appletini?"
That is simply the best piece of...anything that I have ever read. Kudos
Posted by: Cristina at August 16, 2004 10:29 PMUm...um...
I feel like Justin when compelled to go into the porn shop in your last photoshop session
Posted by: Andrew at August 16, 2004 10:34 PMI loves me some Batgirl.
Posted by: Neil at August 16, 2004 10:40 PMLaughing out loud again...especially at the extraordinary way that Joe has turned his wrist to remove that earring for Hildy. ;-D
But the truth must be revealed.
Justin is actually now living in the condo recently vacated by none other than Mr. & Mrs. Doug Mientkiewicz. Straight from the fingertips of Jodi last week, and confirmed in the newspaper yesterday in Charley Walters' column.
somehow, I knew Johan would be a particularly sauve character when it comes to the ladies.
"my name is Johan, and I would like to make love to you"
Wow, that is priceless... and disturbing in a way I'm trying to repress. Great Job Batgirl.
-Tbird41
Batgirl...you are PURE genius! A friend of mine and I always enjoyed joking about Mauer and Morneau in the Mauer house...lol.
Posted by: Stacy at August 17, 2004 12:40 AMdo you ever sleep??? how do you come up with this stuff. too funny. and a little demented, but the funniest stuff so far. Please keep us posted on the lads/ladies adventures.
Posted by: tommy at August 17, 2004 02:27 AMBatgirl: Making Twins off days fun again!
Absolutely brilliant. Especially using Johan as the suave Twins player. He fits the mold. One time, I was standing in the player's parking lot after a game, and he came out and he had about ten kids hanging off of him. Unless they're all his cousins, he's been getting around.
Posted by: FPM2K at August 17, 2004 03:01 AMCartman: Awwwwwwesome...
Posted by: Pander at August 17, 2004 04:27 AM
Once again Batgirl you continue to amaze. Don't ever stop.
Do you write down your dreams?
Posted by: ketut at August 17, 2004 07:32 AMI can see that someone else did not considor synchronized diving worthy of watching last night.
Complete brilliance! Bravo!
I always wondered why Johan said his favorite movie was Tootsie....
Posted by: Soccerfan at August 17, 2004 08:07 AMWrite down her dreams? I do not believe Batgirl dreams. No, by day she keeps up appearances with her secret identity - perhaps as a dilettante corporate wunderkind, perhaps as an introverted librarian, perhaps as a mild-mannered reporter. We may never know. But by night she descends a secret staircase behind a hidden panel in the wall of her study to the BatCave, where she dons her cowl to stalk the evil supervillians of baseball and uphold justice for the Minnesota Twins.
Which doesn't leave time for anything more than the shortest naps, although no doubt BatGirl's butler often finds her slumped over the BatTiVo of a morning. Even so, one must suspect that BatGirl became BatGirl in part to escape her dreams, haunted as they are memories of that night in September, 1988, when she witnessed nine bandits cut her beloved Twins down in cold blood to steal the AL West pennant. Why, every time BatGirl closes her eyes, one presumes, she sees Jose Canseco standing over the crumpled bodies of the 1988 Twins, laughing with maniacal derision at her shattered hopes.
But then again, perhaps BatGirl sleeps the sleep of the just, with happy dreams of raising fluffy puppies and unicorn ponies on a bucolic strawberry farm with Christopher Reeve's Superman and Richard Farnsworth from "Anne of Green Gables."
Posted by: arrScott at August 17, 2004 08:24 AMI see Oscars in Joe Mauer's future. I see Bob Newhart in Justin Morneau's future.
Posted by: Max at August 17, 2004 08:52 AMIn case certain copyright holders are reading, I think this is a good time to remind the BatCommunity that the name Bat-Girl is derived from the female equivelant of a Bat-Boy. While she does fight for truth, justice and the American Way, she does not fight jokers or penguins or catpersons. As the Bat-Lawyers reminded us in the early days, "nocturnal flying mammals of the order Chiroptera, having membranous wings that extend from the forelimbs to the hindlimbs or tail---not to mention anatomical adaptations for echolocation---expressly gross Batgirl out." I know arrScott was aware of this distinction but I wanted to remind any new readers who may not have read legalese (http://www.bat-girl.com/archives/000013.html) yet.
Posted by: Florida at August 17, 2004 08:53 AMSorry to thread hijack, but I just read that Dougie played 2B for the Red Sox last night. Very interesting. I wonder if the thought ever crossed Gardy's head.
Posted by: Soccerfan at August 17, 2004 09:32 AMThose who might not catch Batgirl on the weekends will want to be sure to go back and read the celebrated "Greek series."
http://www.bat-girl.com/archives/000407.html
http://www.bat-girl.com/archives/000409.html
http://www.bat-girl.com/archives/000412.html
I'm with Tbird on this one, I kinda found that disturbing. Funny, but disturbing.
I am pretty sure we don't need any scandals in the Santana/Nathan '04 campaign.
I'm sorry, weren't the Twins contracted a few years ago?
Posted by: Toots at August 17, 2004 10:32 AMI would like to point out that Morneau's middle name is Ernest. Justin Ernest Morneau.
Also, Dougie's new Boston friends are so sweet to him! Last night, big, mean Carlos Delgado from Toronto ran over Dougie at 2nd...Dougie was mad. So, Lowe, who was pitching for Boston, nailed Delgado in the butt his next time at bat! How sweet!
Posted by: Stacy at August 17, 2004 10:50 AMWe all know what happened with Jim McGreevey. We don't need any of that with Santana/Nathan '04.
Posted by: elderfelder at August 17, 2004 10:54 AMGenius... pure genius.
Posted by: mskeen at August 17, 2004 12:09 PMI'm simply speechless. Batgirl amazes once again. "My name is Johan Santana, and I would like to make love to you" is the best line I've ever read.
Posted by: The 7th Angel at August 17, 2004 01:25 PMThank you, Florida. You know how I worry.
Posted by: BatMom at August 17, 2004 01:25 PMahh "Bosom Buddies" - didn't that start a guy named Tom Hanks? Whatever happened to him anyways? i've never heard of him since!
Posted by: Brian at August 17, 2004 02:50 PMI have seriously got to stop reading this stuff when I'm at work...
Posted by: Sarah at August 17, 2004 03:37 PMIs that Morneau looking through the paper for apartment listings, or Grandpa Koskie? That picture makes him look like he's 100 years old!
Posted by: frightwig at August 17, 2004 04:46 PM