Dear readers,
As you know, last week Kris Benson came within a Kubel of being a Minnesota Twin. We can't help but wonder what the Benson family would have thought of Minnesota; after this interview with his wife, model and nympho Anna Benson in which she details quite a bit about their making whoopie. Would Kris and Anna find life kind of slow here in the Minni-apple? How would he fit in with his new teammates? Team Batgirl wonders:
KRIS BENSON: WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
Scene 1: Outside the Metrodome. Shannon Stewart and Cordel Koskie are walking to their weekly gardening group.
Corey: Hey Stewie…
Shannon: Yeah?
Corey: You hear Kris Benson's coming?
Shannon: Yeah. Maybe he'll want to join the garden club?
Corey: Maybe. We should make him feel welcome. Do something nice for him.
Shannon: Yeah. It was so sweet when I came last year and you and Jacque took me to the humane society and helped me pick out Snookums.
Corey: Aw, Snookums. She's a good bunny. How is she?
Shannon: She sleeps next to me. It's really nice.
Corey: Awww…
Shannon: So, anyway, what's Benson into?
Corey: I don't know.
Shannon: We should find out!
Scene 2. Corey calls Matt LeCroy.
Matt: 'Sup?
Corey: Hey Matty.
Matt: Hey Cor. How was garden club?
Corey: Awesome. You should have seen Mrs. Wheedlebottom's begonias. They were just...well, the only word is splendiforous.
Matt: Oh, man. Sorry I couldn't make it; I had book club.
Corey: I know. Hey listen…Stewie and I were talking. You know how Kris Benson's coming? We thought we should do something really nice for him. You know, make him feel at home.
Matt: Man, Corey, that's so great. Sign me up!
Corey: Okay. Stewie and I are going to do some research. We'll call you back.
Matt: Oh, gosh, I can't wait!
Scene 3. Shannon and Corey at home.
Shannon: Looking away …Oh my gracious!
Corey: Biting his lip Well…that's different.
Shannon: Is that legal?
Corey: Well, they sure like the sex.
Shannon shakes his head and picks up the phone and dials
Shannon: Hey, Cor? Ummm…Well…
Corey: Say no more, my good man. I read all about it.
Shannon: Do you know anything about…stuff… like that?
Corey: …No, man. No.
Shannon: What are we gonna do? I don't think a pet bunny's going to cut it.
Corey: Getting an idea. …I'll call A.J. He'll know.
Shannon: Okay, dude. Call me back.
Corey picks up the phone and dials. He waits. AJ's voice mail picks up
Corey: Hey A.J. Um, we've got a situation here that requires your…expertise. Can you call me soon? Miss you! Hugs!
Scene 4: A few hours later. Corey calls Lecroy.
Corey: Hey, Matty?
Matt: What'd you find out?
Corey: Looks around. Well, um…. Stewie and I did some research, and…. He looks around again, then puts his hand over the receiver and whispers into it.
Matt: Mama LeCroy didn't raise no pervo!
Corey: I know, I know, but he's going to be our teammate. We have to do something. The Bensons are going to be here later today. I talked to A.J. He had a few, um, suggestions.
Matt: Sighing. Okay. I'll call in the troops.
Scene 5. Operation Welcome Kris, Stage 1. Cuddyer and Ford.
Cuddy: How long has Benson been in there?
Ford: Dunno.
Time passes.
Cuddy: So…you want to go in and look for him?
Ford: Shaking head frantically. Heck, no. You?
Cuddy: No!:
More time passes.
Cuddy: We're supposed to be making him feel welcome, you know.
Ford: He sure seemed welcome in there!
And still yet more.
Cuddy: What can we do?
Ford: Nothing is to be done.
Time. It passes.
Cuddy: You like gladiator movies?
Ford: What's wrong with you?
The passing of time
Cuddy: I feel weird.
Pass, the time does.
Cuddy: Should we go?
Ford: Yes, yes, let's go.
They do not move.
Scene 6. Operation Welcome Kris: Stage 2. Morneau and Jacque.
Jacque: Come on, Morneau, go in.
Justin: No!
Jacque: Benson's in there all by himself. Go welcome him!
Justin: No!
Jacque: Come on, you're a big leaguer now. Big leaguers go into the S&M stores.
Justin: No.
Jacque: They might not have S&M stores in Triple A, but here in the bigs, we're all about the leather.
Justin: No.
Jacque: I mean poor Krissy's in there all by himself. Don't you want to make him feel welcome?
Justin: No.
Jacque: Dougie woulda gone in.
Justin: Snapping. Fine! Fine! You go in!
Jacque: Hell, no!
Scene 7. Corey and Shannon on the phone.
Corey: Stewie, it's not going well. No one would go into Sexworld or AJ's leather shop. We tried to have a key party, but everyone just threw their keys into a big pile and then took them back again. AJ'll have to explain how that was supposed to work.
Stewie: Man! What's next on the list?
Corey: Um…hot tub party.
Stewie: You mean, all of us in one big hot tub?
Corey: That's what AJ says. I think.
Stewie: Okay, man. Sounds pretty weird to me. The guys won't like it.
Corey: I know, man. I know. I've already talked to them. They don't want to, but they're in. We gotta take one for the team.
Stewie: Okay. I'll call the gang.
Scene 8. All the Twins meet for a hot tub party.
Rincon: This is muey fun!
Hunter: Dude, we gotta do this all the time!
Corey: Hot tubs rule, eh?
Gordo: That's right, Corey Koskie. Touch 'em all!
Kris Benson: You guys are a pack of pervs.
Finis.
Posted by Batgirl at August 2, 2004 11:41 PMDear Bat-Girl,
Congratulations! Based on this post, your site has finally been banned in the People's Republic of China! Or maybe that was Mississippi. I don't know, but when they don't speak English, they all kind of sound the same to me.
-SJ
Posted by: Shoeless Joe at August 3, 2004 12:33 AMCuddy: You like gladiator movies?
Ford: What's wrong with you?
I have snot flecks all over my computer from these lines.
Waiting for Godot references alongside lines from Airplane? Juan Rincon in a hot tub? Lew Ford standing outside Sexworld? Truly brilliant, Batgirl. I loved it!
Posted by: Goober at August 3, 2004 07:30 AMWow Batgirl, you are seriously twisted. I guess that's why we all like you so much! Thanks again...your columns are better than a triple expresso (and far cheaper).
Dave
Posted by: SDave at August 3, 2004 07:47 AMThe Sex World picture takes the cake. No questions asked. Great work, Batgirl.
Posted by: Meghan at August 3, 2004 07:58 AMOh, that is beautiful. Your gifts with PhotoShop are truly magnificent, Batgirl. I think I pulled a muscle.
At the risk of once again sounding inhumane, I'm just the tiniest bit relieved that Mr. Benson and his lovely wife won't be joining us here in MN.
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at August 3, 2004 08:07 AMGreat work Batgirl. Where can I find a nice girl like you to marry?
Posted by: James at August 3, 2004 08:14 AMI love Sex World!
Posted by: Mimiru at August 3, 2004 08:38 AMEcks. Friggen. Dee.
Posted by: IcePhoenix at August 3, 2004 08:38 AMI'm still giggling - too funny.
Why did they keep their caps on??
Just Fabulous!!
Dear Batgirl,
Well done indeed! Here in Pittsburgh we do not have the vast variety (i.e. two shops) of sex-related retail establishments. That's probably why Kris never felt completely comfortable. Well, that and his rampant OCD. Anyway, he laid an egg for the Mets in his first night out, so Twins fans should rest easy for a little while.
I will continue to root for you guys, and please spend a moment every so often wishing good luck to your not-so-well-managed NL cousins, the Pirates.
Emotionally,
J_C_Steel
Posted by: J_C_Steel at August 3, 2004 09:03 AME-xxx-cellent!
Posted by: Mr. Burns at August 3, 2004 09:09 AMGoober has already said it, but your allusions to both one of the greatest movies lines ever to quote (Airplane) as well as the worst play I ever had to read (Waiting for Godot) is utterly amazing!
Touch em all??? I guess this makes me glad the trade did not go through!
/applaud
Another morning of laughing out loud and having my co-workers wonder just what I was looking at online!
If I weren't (1) married and (2) located in the Twin Cities area, I'd name you Girlfriend of the Day ...
Posted by: el jefe at August 3, 2004 09:24 AMYou ever been to a Turkish prison?
Posted by: Clarence Oveur at August 3, 2004 09:33 AM*snicker snicker snort guffaw*
Posted by: Gold Star for Robot Boy at August 3, 2004 09:53 AMShame Benson didn't get traded to the Twins. He and Anna could have given real meaning to "balling at the Hump".
Posted by: kcboomer at August 3, 2004 10:00 AMOn behalf of my phellow Phils phans, I'd like to thank you for not delving into the ugly issue of kinky uses for "Darling" Nikki Punto...
Posted by: jeffstoned at August 3, 2004 10:01 AMI wanna join the Twins hot tub party ;)
I love the Justin/Jacque scene and any time you make Cordel or the doc say "eh", it always cracks me up. Way to bring AJ back as well!
Posted by: Stacy at August 3, 2004 10:22 AMI'm kind of bummed that Kris & Anna won't be here. I bet they'd be fun at a kegger.
Posted by: Roscoe at August 3, 2004 10:29 AMThe more I read it the funnier it is. I'll have to disagree with Soccerfan, though, I liked Waiting for Godot - I use "I'm beginning to come round to that opinion" and "Don't count on me to enlighten you" all the time. Of course I also liked the Bob and Doug McKenzie classic "Strange Brew" so my opinion may not mean much. You have to admit, though, that "Luke, you are my son, give in to the dark side you hoser" is one of the all time classic lines and very Koskie-like.
All I know is it looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!
What a Great work Batgirl - and how about a key party for the next BatCommunity get together?
Dave
Hey Shoeless Joe,
We speak English down here in Mississippi.
You and your Chicago accent sound as funny to us as ours may sound to you.
On a related note, I'm really tired of hearing about Mrs. Benson. It's not like Kris is the only baseball player married to a tart, is it? Maybe she's the only player's wife to advertise, I dunno. Kinda sad, really...
--BR
Posted by: Biggie_robs at August 3, 2004 11:20 AMSDave I really have nothing to back up my claim as "worst play I ever had to read" label of Godot other than my memory as a college Jr. (How can that seem like sooo long ago already?) I was finishing out my gen eds and needed an English credit. Overall it was a great class with a great prof. I remember laughing so hard it hurt at The Importance of Being Earnest and crying in shock at 'Night Mother. I think Godot just bored me and left a bad taste in my mouth. Maybe if I saw it instead of just read it, it would be better.
Posted by: Soccerfan at August 3, 2004 11:51 AMMy season tickets are in Section 125, so my girlfriend and I were big Jodi M. fashion fans, but were intrigued by the Jodi-for-Anna trade possibilities. Now we get neither, drat. Oh well, there's always Lisa Romero.
Posted by: Silo at August 3, 2004 12:22 PMOh my God I am crying, I am laughing so hard!! Wish I were as witty as you so I could write a decent comment - but thanks again for making my day!! Key party! Touch 'em all!!
Posted by: kt at August 3, 2004 01:56 PMwow, I needed that laugh! Totally genius, Batgirl.
Posted by: Sam at August 3, 2004 02:18 PMOh, God! Thanks for making that horridly depressing key party scene from "The Ice Storm" into something funny. Somewhere, Ang Lee is laughing his booty off! Wonder what Kris would do with the two girls from Fargo? Go Bears!
Posted by: RonDavis at August 3, 2004 02:33 PMMatt: Mama LeCroy didn't raise no pervo!
It's funny because I can actually see LeCroy saying that...
Posted by: Sarah at August 3, 2004 02:50 PMTorii and Cuddy are sitting way too close for comfort in that hot tub.
Posted by: She-Ra, P.O.P at August 3, 2004 03:03 PMDear Batgirl,
Bravo again!!! Just when I thought I might not laugh for a while, you come through with a hot tub scene.
You always know how to make me smile, giggle, and laugh out loud as I sit in my cubicle.
We here in the Bat Community love you very, very much!!
bubblemint
Posted by: bubblemint at August 3, 2004 03:07 PMI love poor Morneau being tormented by Jaque...classic!
Posted by: Andrew at August 3, 2004 03:18 PMI've gotta share this with my wife. Hope she finds it half as funny as I do. (Note to all: if I could change anything about my wife it would be: that she be a sport's fan. Any team sport, maybe even soccer. But I don't think perfection is possible.)
Favorite moments:
The pics of Matty without the hat.
Shannon covering up the computer screen "Oh my gracious!"
That they need to talk to AJ for advice.
Juan's smile in the hot tub.
Who's the guy with glasses in the hot tub?
Things like this make me want to print out this blog and bind it like a book. A great companion volume to the DVD of season highlights, culminating in Florida's awesome sounding game 7.
Posted by: amr at August 3, 2004 04:23 PMSoccerfan, like I said, my taste in entertainment is certainly a little warped. Further, my view of Godot may also have been influenced by one or two mood altering substances.
And RonDavis - I'm sure that the girls from Fargo would only consent to spend an evening with Kris if they were permitted to wear their Nixon masks.
Dave
Posted by: SDave at August 3, 2004 04:35 PMSir, my play may have been somewhat elusive, but it is a life view in which I strongly believe. S.Beckett.p.s. Who is Gordo? I did not write "Waiting for Gordo". you must be thinking of Camus.
Posted by: al at August 3, 2004 06:15 PMel diablo likes, "I don't think a pet bunny is going to cut it."
and,
"Jacque: Come on, you're a big leaguer now. Big leaguers go into the S&M stores.
Justin: No.
Jacque: They might not have S&M stores in Triple A, but here in the bigs, we're all about the leather."
Noble intentions for all.
Posted by: el diablo at August 3, 2004 06:25 PMI know I should've been cheering when Koskie hit that two-run shot instead of laughing my @$$ off, but I just couldn't help it!
MK
Posted by: mk at August 3, 2004 08:12 PMHmm. I was forced to step away from my computer during the start of the 6th inning, and I come back to see on Gameday that both Hunter and Koskie were plunked, after both went yard in the 4th. Was Lackey warned? It just seems mighty suspicious to me...
MK (again)
Posted by: mk at August 3, 2004 08:52 PM