Boston at Twins. BoSox 8, Twins 2.
Batgirl: Picking up BatPhone and dialing.
Kyle: Yello?
BG: Kyle?
KL: Hey, Batgirl!
BG: Hey Kyle…um…how are you?
KL: Great!
BG: Hesitantly. ….Really?
KL: Oh, sure, why shouldn't I be?
BG: …um…well…
KL: Hey, have you seen Kris Benson's wife? Man, she's hot. She should of come here, I'd tell her my Grand Casino story.
BG: Sure, but—
KL: I'd give her a Gutter Helmet.
BG: Okay, yeah—
KL: I'd show her my solid Cambria countertop.
BG: Kyle!
KL: Sorry, Batgirl
BG: Anyway, Kyle. So I was listening to the game…
KL: Oh, yeah, could you believe that?
BG: Believe what, exactly?
KL: Oh man. I mean, first off, the ump was squeezing me. Hard. Secondly, Henry Blanco can't call a game worth a crap. I mean, god, was he just called up yesterday? And nice run support, guys, thanks so much! I mean when I took the mound in the second I didn't have any runs, can you believe that? And then, did you see where the infielders were playing? God, I don't know what Newmie's been smoking. And then Gardy takes me out in the 5th! Can you believe it? I swear, he's got something against me.
BG: I see. ...Hey, Kyle?
KL: Yes, Batgirl?
BG: Listen, Kyle, I was wondering, have you ever thought that maybe you're not having a very good year?
KL: Pause. Huh?
BG: I mean…have you ever thought that maybe you have no one to blame but yourself?
KL: Pause. Huh?
BG: Sighing. Hey, do you have a mirror around there?
KL: Oh sure. Right on my ceiling…Wanna come over and see it?
BG: No thanks. Hey, Kyle, do me a favor?
KL: Anything, Batgirl.
BG: Take a look in the mirror for me. A good look. Are you looking? What do you see?
KL: A very handsome young man.
BG: Okay. Now, Kyle, I want you to close your eyes. I want you to take a deep breath and then exhale, while I count to ten. With every number I want your mind to empty a little more.
KL: Damn, Batgirl, you're freaky.
BG: Come on, Kyle, have I ever led you astray? Remember the Royals game?
KL: …I pitched a complete game shutout!
BG: I know. And why?
KL: Grudgingly. Batgirl.
BG: Good. Now, you're ready? Let's go. Close your eyes…good…take a big inhale, good, and…ten. Your mind is full. You are extremely handsome. You are an awesome pitcher. Gardy doesn't know what he has. Someday you'll play for the Yankees. Nine…begin to empty your mind….Forget about Gardy. Forget about your shutout… Continues on to one… There, Kyle, now is your mind empty?
KL: Huh?
BG: Okay, good. Now, open your eyes and look in the mirror.
KL: Okay, sure, I…Pause. OH MY GOD… I SUCK!
BG: Sighing heavily. I know, I know, honey.
KL: No, I mean, I'm TERRIBLE!
BG: I know, I know.
KL: I mean, I'm God-awful! I'm pitching like crap!
BG: I know.
KL: Like ass-crap. Like crap warmed-over. I've been horrible all year! I deserve to be sent down! I've been outpitched by Terry Mulholland, and he's 100 years old.
BG: Now, Kyle, he's only 75.
KL: Sniffing. Oh my god, I'm the worst pitcher ever. Why have they put up with me so long?
BG: I don't know, Kyle. I guess they just don't have anyone else.
KL: Sniff. And what's worse, I've been acting like an ass!
BG: True.
KL: I've been trying to mask my insecurity through arrogant bluster! Sniff. I've been blaming everyone but myself for my own problems! Snort. I've grown these awful chin pubes! Gasp.
BG: Yup.
KL: Sobbing. I can't help it. Life has just been so hard. None of the other Twins love me. Johan's better looking than I am. No one knows how to pronounce my name. Rick Anderson's mustache scares me. Corey Koskie gave me a wedgie. When I was in 7th grade, I got beat-up by a girl. My mom left my dad for another woman. I had pimples in high school. Juan Rincon makes fun of me in Spanish. My underwear chafes. My cat is on anti-anxiety pills. Mary-Kate is an anorexic! Friends is over! The retro uniforms made me look fat!
BG: There, there, Kyle. There, there.
KL: Sniff. Why can't Lindsey Lohan and Hillary Duff just get along? Carl Everett sat on me during the bench-clearing brawl. Halle Berry's double in Catwoman was a guy! Alice Hoffman's latest book was turgid! The Miss America Pagent discontinued the talent competition! The tone of the presidential election has been so harsh! I have hair in my ears!
BG: Okay, Kyle. Get it together.
KL: Sniff. Sniff. Pause. …You're right, Batgirl. You're right. I'm a mess, but I'm going to be totally different now.
BG: I'm going to send you a name, someone who I think does really good work. I'd like you to give him a call. But you made great progress tonight. I'm really proud of you. The healing begins now.
KL: Sniffing. Yes it does, Batgirl. Yes it does.
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
Posted by: The 7th Angel at July 30, 2004 10:19 PMI like Kyle Lohse, I really really really like him. I want him to reward me for liking him by not sucking.
Is that truly so much to ask?
Wonderingly,
Mimiru
Another instant classic Batgirl!!
Posted by: bubblemint at July 30, 2004 10:39 PMBatgirl-
I dont rememeber the last time I laughed that hard after suffering through a twins loss. Priceless.
Posted by: bsnone at July 30, 2004 11:02 PMBatgirl, you are so bitchin'... if only you were a Padre fan... siiigh...
Great post! Your brilliance knows no bounds!!!
It's official: Batgirl rocks all!
Posted by: Stacy at July 30, 2004 11:17 PMDearest Batgirl -
I was at the game tonight with my sister - watching Kyle"I'm hot - but I really stink this year" Lohse was brutal - we wondered out loud if we would be out of the Dome by 11.
Thank you for the bat call to Kyle - I really hope it helps
Sleepily -
Wonder Woman
the broadcast i watched on mlb tv showed a brief encounter between lohse and anderson in the dugout halfway through wonderboy's trainwreck. you couldnt hear what they were saying but it looked like anderson was trying to tell lohse something and lohse made a smart ass remark and a little dismissive gesture and walked away while anderson was still talking.
"hey kid, i think you should try something a little different next inning. how about if you..."
"what's the point? we're not gonna score any runs anyway. shut up! you're not the boss of me! leave me alone! i didn't do anything! god!"
yup, it's hard not to love the little tike.
Posted by: daveedo at July 31, 2004 02:23 AMDougie gone?
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/040731/483/mpd10607310330
Posted by: Dougie gone? at July 31, 2004 02:29 AMMe: Batgirl?
BG: Yeah?
Me: (long pause) sniffles.
BG: It's OK.
Me: Are your sure?
BG: Just tune in tomorrow and we'll see.
Me: Gosh I hope so.
Me again: Trade deadlines produce way too much anxiety.
Posted by: Roark at July 31, 2004 03:00 AMBatgirl, thank you for your helpful editing. You really are "all that and a bag of chips" as they say. Hillarious conversation btw. I wonder if they send Kyle down or sit him. Who could we get to fill in?
Posted by: Mimiru at July 31, 2004 05:23 AMThanks Batgirl, somebody had to get through to Kyle and the coaching staff certainly hasn't been able to . I agree with Daveedo, he looked like he was smarting off to Anderson in the dugout and I can see him saying "you're not the boss of me" Perfect.
Now, if there was any doubt in Terry Ryan's mind as to whether or not they need to make a trade for a SP, last night wiped it away. Kyle just doesn't have his stuff this season and last night was a prime example. Yes, there were a lot of soft hits but a hit is a hit and, more importantly, a run is a run. If the hitters keep blooping singles off the ends of their bats then its time to start pitching inside and working more fastballs in. He just isn't hitting with the heat and is going to his off speed stuff to often.
I was looking for a good descriptor for his pitching this year and ass-crap is it.
The last straw for me was the walk after starting 0-2 and then throwing 4 bad pitches. Its time for Kyle to get a little bullpen or minor league tune-up action. Let him sit and watch our newly acquired SP for a few weeks.
We are not going to make it far with three starting pitchers. I don't think Mulholland is the guy down the stretch and Lohse isn't the guy for next week so its time to make a move Terry. The clock is ticking....I just hope it isn't connected to a bomb.
Dave
Posted by: SDave at July 31, 2004 07:12 AMYou're right, and it breaks my heart. If you'd have asked me this spring, I'd have said that Kyle was our ace of the future, and I still think it's possible. But he's dug himself a huge hole, and the first thing that has to happen is he needs to put down the damn shovel.
Kyle doesn't suck, he knows it, the coaching staff knows it, and we all know it. If it was May 3, or if we were seven games out, we could afford to have the patience that a confidence-building project like this is going to require. Unfortunately, it's August, and it's the thick of the pennant race.
So now what? We'll all see within the next five hours, God help us...
Posted by: TeeAhr at July 31, 2004 10:08 AMKL needs to be Romeroized by the Red Wings. Perhaps one of these pitching prospects we won't trade might slide into the rotation. I am, of course, not refering to Ralph Balf.
Posted by: Goober at July 31, 2004 10:30 AMThis is SO good!
Listened to the last few innings on the Red Sox network last nignt, which was easier to follow than the NESN cablecast. The announcers are pretty understated, in a New Englandy way, and a hoot. They were talking about Cuddyher at second and it went something like this:
Announcer 1: "He's not very good in the field."
Announcer 2: "He dives for balls, but they're nballs he has no chance to get ot."
1: "And in the Metrodome, you can't even get your uniform dirty."
2: "Yeah, it's like when Todd Walker played second base for the Sox."
Not quite as good as Batgirl to Kyle, but pretty good and astute for a coupla radio guys.
Kyle has got to go. To AAA, to the pen, to another team, I don't CARE at this point. Boyfriend said they should trade him for a 12-pack of Pabst, and he hates Pabst, so that says a lot. (Boyfriend is bitter because he likes the Giants, a non-awesome, non-first place team.)
Anyway, Dan Gladden's career ERA is lower than Kyle Lohse's ERA this season. I say bring in the Dazzle Man.
Amazing writing. How can a mere batgirl so get herself into the head of such an athelete as KL? Perhaps because there is unused space in said head.
Has Team Batgirl thought about making a video clip to enhance the production values of this blog from LegoVision to talking pictures? You have the script for your first feature!
Bravo.
RH
Posted by: roy hobbs at July 31, 2004 01:22 PMTo paraphrase the immortal Comic Book Guy: "Best Post EVER!"
Seriously, someone needs to get this into Lohseiesie's hands. He needs to read it. And a similar conversation should be had with Stickwitz just to prevent him from bringing the clubhouse too far down.
And I'm curious to know if Stinky was ever actually told he was going to be traded, or if it was more of a considerate "Doug, your name is being used in some possible trades that are on the table...we just thought you should know" type thing.
Posted by: boomer at July 31, 2004 02:20 PMBatgirl,
You have been on fire lately. In these difficult trade times (that only come once a year) and these difficult Lohse-pitching-like-poo times (that come all too often), I hope this helps Kyle turn the corner and remember he has talent. OutSTANDING.
Sincerely,
Chris
P.S. "Like ass-crap." Brilliant.
Posted by: Chris at July 31, 2004 02:30 PMI don't know about Johan Santana, but I think we have a nickname for Kyle Lohse: "Alfred the Butler".
Honestly, would he do that much worse if he placed the ball on a platter, approached home plate, held it out gingerly (leaning back and wincing) while the batter swung at it?
The impatient cow is losing patience.
Posted by: Freg Nergstrom at August 2, 2004 02:18 PM