Twins at Chicago. Twins 5, Bitch Sox 4.
Poor Justin Morneau. As soon as it came out that Dougie was going to be ditched for a younger model, one with blond curls and a lot of pep, the good doctor has been the other woman in the Twins clubhouse. He can't help it. He didn't ask to hit so many homeruns. It's not his fault that the organization turned him into a first baseman. And he certainly never asked Terry Ryan to fall in love with him. Sometimes these things just happen. And anyway, Terry never would have looked his way if everything had been all right with Doug, right? If Doug still had the offensive verve that he used to? As Terry said, Something's changed, Doug, between us; it's not you, it's me. No, well, actually, it is you. But anyway…
So you'd expect things to be a little strained in the Twins clubhouse, what with the Younger Woman and the Cast-Off just a locker away, and with Dougie being so popular with the First Wives Club and all. At the very least, you'd expect Morneau to feel the pressure—his every move will be scruntized, and Terry Ryan might remember just how good Dougie's home cookin' could be.
Morneau might have expected some people would take out their sadness at losing Doug on him, but he certainly could not have thought that it would be the fans and umpires at U.S. Bitchular Field. Well, life is full of surprises. Today, Morneau hit a ball to the very edge of the park, was given a homer, made to run all around the bases and into the dugout, then had the homer taken back—not once, but twice. No matter whether or not the right calls were made, that's just not nice!
Actually, the first time, it seemed a good call to take the homer back; the ball hit the yellow foam padding at the edge of the wall and bounced back in, and if that's in play, then that's a double for Dr. M.. Gardy argued a little, but his face didn't go all red and blotchy like it usually does when he's wronged.
But the second time, Morneau's ball seemed to graze the fair side of the right field foul pole, and the first base umpire did not hesitate in calling it a homer—until rightfielder Timo Perez and the outfield fans started yelling that the ball was foul. Well, of course, their credibility is unimpeachable, so the umpires consulted and changed the call. Gardy ran out and threw his hat around, turning a sort of deep cerise, though after the game everyone seemed to agree that the ball was foul—everyone but Batgirl. Batgirl says we're now even on homerun calls after Montreal. Batgirl has spoken.
Oh, and somewhere in between all of this, there was a foul pop to the bleachers and Dr. M ran up to the seats to get it just like a real first basemen. At this point, a Bitch Sox fan reached over and slapped Justin in the face, screeching, "That's for Dougie!"
Oh, but that wasn't all the bitch slapping that happened today. Actually much of it was probably inflicted by manager Ozzie Guillen to his mangy band of Yankee wannabes. He's tried so hard to instill baseball fundamentals on his team, but some dogs just won't hunt. The Bitch Sox ran themselves out of the seventh inning; after having runners on first and second with no outs, Jose Valentin went insane and tried to steal third (or something), and a couple pitches later Juan Uribe tried to steal second-- and Henry "the Arm" Blanco got two more notches on his catcher's mask. Slap, slap. Of course, then J.C. Romero felt really bad for them, and proceeded to walk six or seven guys, the day after Batgirl called him Lazarus. (Batgirl has no one to blame but herself.)
Then in the ninth, with the game tied, the Bitch Sox got runners on first and third with one out. The game was most probably lost; all they'd need to do was hit a sac fly and it was over. And of course, that's what they'd do—they wouldn't hit a grounder for fear of suffering a double play. So, it looked like we were going to drop this one. Which wouldn't have been terrible—two out of three ain't bad--but wouldn't it be nice to sweep them? Wouldn't it?
Yes. For instead of going for the sac fly, Joe Bouchard decided it would be a good idea to hit a grounder to Corey Koskie. That would be his last mistake. Boom, Corey fields, throws to Cuddy, then to Morneau. It ain't Tinker to Evers to Chance, but I'll take it. Slap.
Well, then in the tenth, Guzie led off with a walk and went to second on a bunt. They then walked Dr. M, because surely that next homerun was not going to get called back, and Torii advanced the runners with another bunt. (Hi, it's called small ball!) Then Jacque Jones hit a towering foul pop-up which both Jose Valentin and Carlos Lee went for. Lee was closer to the ball, but Valentin screamed, "I've got it! I've got it! For the love of God, I've got it!"
He didn't, in fact, have it. He dropped the ball (Slap) and on the very next pitch, Jacque Jones hit a nice single, scoring Guzie and causing much joy in the BatQuarters.
There was much rejoicing in the BatQuarters.
Then Count Chocula came on and with the help of Torii "I Can Fly!," Hunter, made quick work of each Bitch Sock he faced. And that, my friends, is a sweep, making the Twins 3.5 games up, and making Batgirl very, very happy.
Great post Batgirl, perhaps a Lego-Vision of Torii Hunter soaring through the clouds?
I have one minor quibble tho: "the first place umpire"
...first place umpire?
Posted by: Mimiru at July 28, 2004 04:50 PMThank you! In my book he is most assuredly in LAST PLACE!
I think I'm going to go pass out again. Love to all!
Posted by: Mimiru at July 28, 2004 04:58 PMA boy just can't sit and stare at "Comments (0)". Not in the face of a Twins sweep of the very team that he most wishes bad things upon. (Well, okay, maybe the Yankees deserve worse, but then, the Yankees don't spew nonsense about being heirs to the Central Division.)
Of course, a boy also wishes he could have seen this crazy game, if for no other reason than because he'd like to see what's all this fuss with the mauling of Justin Morneau. What the hell is wrong with Chicago fans? Punched in the face?
Help us, Bat Girl. We need Lego Vision on this one.
Posted by: Freg Nergstrom at July 28, 2004 04:58 PMMorneau REALLY got slapped?
I expect to see this on sportscenter.
SWEEEEEEEEEEP!
Posted by: Haplo at July 28, 2004 05:13 PMWhat a weird game that was.
Corey got hit by a pitch again! I couldn't believe it. And the two not-homers for Morneau. Weird.
But cool, 'cuz the Twins prevailed.
Posted by: Laurel at July 28, 2004 05:14 PMThough my true calling is spreading the message of BatLove throughout the world, there are times when the bills must be paid, and so I resort to teaching for a living. Because of this job and the most recent BS series, I find myself needing the wisdom of the BatCommunity.
Two years ago, a young baseball fan from Chicago graduated from my institution after four years of emulating the windiness of his city. He would stop by my office daily from February through June to explain in great detail how his BitchSox would wipe the Astroturf with my beloved Twins. I would nod, smile, and reduce his grades. No, wait...I would nod, smile, and mostly let the Twins do my talking for me.
But today, flush with the pleasure of the past three games, I find myself wanting to write to the fellow and ask him how he is enjoying the baseball season. Some weeks ago, our friend Cassandra warned us all against hubris, but I really want to bug the guy while the bugging is good. Should I do it?
Posted by: urkle at July 28, 2004 05:22 PMI had always wondered why the Milk Jug was out there in the Metrodome!
urkle,
I would say go for it, hubris be damned!
MK
Posted by: mk at July 28, 2004 05:27 PMWe knew that Morneau could hit the ball in ways Mienty, even in an odd-numbered year, cannot. And now the good Doctor shows us that he can play first base, if not with Dougie's range and stickiness, then at least adequately. But the latest rumor is that the Pirates won't take Mienty in a trade for Benson, and the Floridian first-bagger is chafing on the bench. What are the Twins to do with Dougie, then, until next year - which, being an odd-numbered year, will cause Dougie to hit .300?
Perhaps Doug could take the field as the Twins first base coach. He knows the territory. The other players look up to him, and would surely respect his judgment when he gave the signal that means "Even if Carlos Lee could throw out a wingless duck from left field, Juan Uribe can't turn the tag from that side, so take two."
Or perhaps the Twins could name Mientkiewicz manager pro tempore, designating him to take over when Gardy gets ejected. (And when Gardy goes over rosters and ground rules with the umps before the game, does he give them a signal for when he wants to be ejected? When he gets thrown out, it never seems spontaneous. It's as if Gardy believes that, in some circumstances, it would be unseemly, nay dishonorable, NOT to be ejected. "If a ball gets stuck in the roof in fair territory, it's a ground-rule double. Oh, and guys, if I drop my hat, like this, that means I want you to eject me. Thanks." If I were an umpire, I would punish Gardy's outbursts by NOT ejecting him.)
Finally, the Twins could save a few bucks a game by having Doug take over as TC Bear. He's already a sort of human mascot for the post-2000 Twins; why not double him up as the ursine mascot as well?
Posted by: arrScott at July 28, 2004 05:32 PMarrScott,
What is wrong with Scotty Ulger as manager pro tem of the Twins? I think he does well.
Posted by: Donnalove at July 28, 2004 05:40 PMDear Batworld,
I must admit to being smitten by this site. Such good humor, combined with adroit baseball analysis, remains a rare commodity in even this age of omnipresent sports media. So I must say "brava" to Batgirl and all of her Batlings, the ranks of which I hope to join.
Do not fear, for I am not a fan of the hated Bitch Sox. I embrace the older brand of baseball in a small western Pennsylvanian hamlet, where our lineups are not blemished with the dreadful initials "DH." As a fan of the irrelevant but suddenly resurgent Pirates, I admit disappointment that we could not pry away your phenomenal Dr. Morneau. Hopefully, our good general manager Mr. Littlefield will nonetheless be able to strike a deal with the good Twins for Jason Kubel or Michael Cuddyer or Michael Restovich -- I've heard good things concerning the first, lukewarm reports on the second, and nothing at all concerning Mr. Restovich. Any information you fine people could shed on these prospects would be well-received (via e-mail or a comment here).
Should you receive Kris Benson (and his lovely wife, Anna) in your twin cities, however it may come to pass, I hope that you will welcome him. While he has struggled with injuries at times and never quite lived up to his billing, he seems to have turned a corner. He's not pitching deep into counts, he's keeping the ball down, and he hasn't given up a home run in more than 70 innings. I believe he could help your boys as you march (hopefully) toward the postseason.
Each year I choose one team in the American, or Heretic, League to root for come October. This year I shall back the Twins. I hope I do not bring doom upon you, as I adopted the Red Sox last year. Good luck!
J_C_Steel
Posted by: J_C_Steel at July 28, 2004 05:44 PMHmmmm.....and I thought the game last night was a little strange. This has got to be one of the weirdest games. First Koskie gets hit (again), then Morneau gets two homeruns called back, then the sox have the first six batters reach and only get one run (wierd, but could have been worse). Oh well, all worked out well for our boys. WE GOT THE SWEEEP!! OH, WE GOT THE SWEEEEEP!!! :P Just feeling happy.
interesting how having the fans all against torii just helped him play better
Greetings, again, from Vermont, where the PhishHeads are starting to congregate. Today, RD watched the final three innings from All-American Fitness in South Burlington. It was cool, the game a fitting end to my 44 minutes of self torture on the recumbant step thingee. The B-Son continue to find new ways to make 25 x 1 =
Posted by: RonDavis at July 28, 2004 06:52 PMAfter all that bitching by the Bitch Sox and their fans, bitch, bitch, bitch...
Our beloved Twins are victorious, confident, and not afraid of playing the other Sox, or any other team on the upcoming schedule.
I feel another musical tribute coming on...
A song for our boys, to be sung by Twins fans everywhere, to the tune of Crowded House's "Don't Dream It's Over":
A division to win, two teams fighting it out
We keep trading first place between us, back and forth
With fierce battles ahead, one team's bound to go down
First game Twins, Bitch Sox whine "Hunter, watch out, retribution's on the way"
Hey now, hey now
Please settle down there
Hey now, hey now
Just a hard nosed play
They bitch, they whine
"We're gonna get you Torii"
But we know that they won't win...
Now the second game starts, Koskie steps to the plate
And they plunk him three times before the night is through
Twins fans say "What the hell? Why, it's Hunter they want"
Then the Twins win, the Bitch Sox must wait until the third game for revenge
Hey now, hey now
You had your chances
Hey now, hey now
Just let it end
They bitch, they whine
"We won't let them sweep us"
But we know that they won't win...
Now we're playing again, there's a sweep on the line
Poor Morneau hit two balls that could have ended the game on time
But the umps called them back, so Jones hit in the tenth
Guzzy scored, Nathan pitched and Hunter caught the ball that saved the three game sweep...
Hey now, hey now
Our dream's not over
Hey now, hey now
Let the Bitch Sox moan
They bitched, they whined
But they couldn't beat us
We knew the Twins would win...
(and as our song fades out, we hear the Bitch Sox and their fans trying oh, so hard to console themselves, by singing....)
we let them win...hey now, hey now...hey now, hey now...hey now, hey now...we let them win...hey now, hey now...hey now, hey now...(fading away into whispers and moans...)
BRAVO!!! BRAVO, BUBBLEMINT!!!!! That is a b-e-a-utiful song. Keep them coming.
Megan
Posted by: rods59 at July 28, 2004 07:43 PMMakes me want to make a song, looks fun, mostly when it's all about the us doing good and sweeping them. :P
Posted by: rods59 at July 28, 2004 07:45 PMI bet the Twins were playing Kurupt's "It's Over" chorus during each game of the series. The Sox must have got the message.
[CHORUS]
It's over, it's over now,
Move over, it's my turn now,
It's over, the game's shut down,
Sorry.
It's over, it's over now,
Move over, it's my turn now,
It's over, the game's shut down,
Sorry.
JC Steel,
I think your Mr. Littlefield is pushing expectations for Benson a little bit high.
That being said, to know just what kind of player you'd be receiving in Mientkiewicz, and how we feel about him take a look back at the commentary from here:
http://www.anneursu.com/mt/mt-comments.cgi?entry_id=338
He's a good guy in a bad slump. Certainly better than your current Sausage Beating first baseman. Enjoy him a lot, and be gentle, this is his first real breakup. Even if he did see it coming.
Posted by: Drake33 at July 28, 2004 08:17 PMDear Chaz,
I did not realize that it was you. Did you know that it was me?
Donna
Posted by: Donnalove at July 28, 2004 08:23 PMBaybee, you rock! What a game, and even tho I couldn't catch it live (ney, but I did catch my beloved colleague gold bricking on mlb.com all afternoon), I saw it thru BG's special, somewhat sarcastic lens. Gotta love the girl!
Posted by: blogboy at July 28, 2004 08:35 PMI was enraged to find out we had a mandatory work meeting 1 hour into today's game. I sat at the meeting tappping my fingers wondering how my beloved Twins were doing. When it ended, my shift started, so I was listening to it on the radio and the Bitch Sox had just tied it, so I yelled a bit...well, maybe more than a bit. Then, I lived through the heart attack waiting to happen that was the 9th and 10th inning. I work at an assisted living facility, so I checked my blood pressure and pulse. My pulse was 117 after the game! lol...what my Twins do to me. I couldn't believe poor Corey got hit AGAIN!? Just let him walk to 1st before the at bats might be a good idea so he doesn't have to actually have to get hit. Torii is the ruler of the universe...I mean it. I love that man! He gave the Bitch Sox fans a lot to bitch about during this series. All that matters though is, game over, good guys sweep!
Posted by: Stacy at July 28, 2004 10:07 PMA tumescent Dark Star was beside himself over today's Pale Hose roundup. I know -- sat behind him @ Culver's.
Posted by: filson at July 29, 2004 12:06 AMDear Mr./ Ms. Steel,
Batgirl has been remiss in not answering your question. She would be surprised if Mr. Ryan let either Mr. Kubel or Mr. Cuddyer go, frankly. Kubel is highly touted, and we may need Cuddy to fill in one of at least three infield positions next year. As for Mr. Restovich, all Twins fans want to do is see him settled down with a nice team. He's a great prospect who has suffered because there is simply no room for him in the Twins outfield. He's MLB ready, but he needs a place to play, and we're all hoping someone can find him one.
Sincerely,
Batgirl
Bubblemint, your tributes in song have reached a new high. "Don't Dream It's Over" is just about my all-time favorite song, and the Twins are just about my all-time favorite team, and the Twins beating the Bitch Sox in Chicago is just about my all-time favorite kind of ballgame, and you've managed to combine three of my all-time favorite things into one serving of Twins-beating-Chicago-to-the-tune-of-Crowded-House goodness. Kudos! Somewhere, Neil Finn and the rest of his Kiwi former bandmates are wishing they'd written the song your way.
Posted by: arrScott at July 29, 2004 01:53 AMi could have sworn the fan who slapped morneau's cap down into his face was wearing a twins cap himself...there was a bitch sox fan who grabbed his arm after that, but i think the initial contact (and thus the automatic out even if the island dropped the ball) was the doing of one dedicated, wiley twins fan.
Posted by: daveedo at July 29, 2004 03:57 AMIs Morneau HIMSELF the island, or is the "Island of Dr. Morneau" 1st Base itself? I would tend to think the later.
Anyhow, I would like to get rid of Michael Ryan too, just so I didn't have the word "nepotism!" running through my head whenever his name comes up. Why isn't Mike Ryan tradeable?
An interesting point was brought up yesterday. Why didn't Grant Balfour pitch? Is it just a case of Mulholland having the "hot arm" recently, or was it because it was a pressure-filled game... or was it because he might be part of a trade?
Posted by: Mimiru at July 29, 2004 08:25 AMCograts bubblemint, Neil Finn (and even Tim) would love to hear your verison of the crowded house song. I have to go home tonight and play the real version and sing along with your new words.
A comment on the game - I am so glad to see umpires (first place or not) staying consistent with their calls (dripping with sarcasm) and not changing their minds on any calls. If the fans and an obviously one sided player can sway an umpire from a call over 300 ft away, then a hitter should be able to argue a call at home plate and be able to change the umpires mind!
The could have been using Mulholland for lefty match-ups, I can't remember. But they already tried J.C. and it didn't go as well as they wanted. I do have to agree with what Bert and Dick said, some umpires have a low strike zone, this one had a high strike zone. I bear to differ in that this ump seemed to have no strike zone. I for one saw plenty of perfect pitches by Silva which should have been strikes.
Oh well, either way it worked out for us in the end.
megan
Posted by: jayster59 at July 29, 2004 09:34 AMCompletely unrelated random thought: Joe Nathan started out in the minors as a shortstop. Word on the street is that he can swing a decent bat, too. He plays short the first 8 innings, then goes to the mound in the 9th!
Crazy, I know. But Guzie's swing and lack of plate discipline combined with all the unsettling trade rumors have left me a bit unhinged. Then, of course, when I finally give up all hope, he hits 7 triples in a game and looks like the second coming of ozzie smith in the field.
Enigma, i have met thee, and thy name is Cristian....
Another completely unrelated random thought:
Has anyone else noticed that Mulholland looks exactly like... um... Charles Manson?
Posted by: TwinsGoddess at July 29, 2004 12:05 PMTrade speculation unrelated to the current thread: According to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, the Pirates have settled their sights on Jason Kubel, who recently got promoted from New Britain (AA) to Rochester (AAA). They don't want Doug in the deal.
I think it would be a gargantuan mistake to trade a player of Kubel's ability for a 2-month rental of Benson (he'll make upwards of $10 million a year in free agency, so we have no hope of re-signing him). Please, Terry, don't make this deal. Resto, sure. Mike Ryan, ok. I'd even rather see BOTH of them go to Pittsburgh instead of Kubel. I've seen all three play in the minors, and Kubel is much much better than the other two (I understand that it's only the minors, but you can tell what kind of hitter you have). And it's not close. The Twins have always been about the future, and I'd hate to see us give up our top minor league hitting prospect for two months of a guy that hasn't proved himself to be an impact starter, and would be third in our rotation. I'll be glad when the trade deadline passes, as my blood pressure can't take much more of this!
Posted by: Chris at July 29, 2004 02:10 PMDear Megan, arrscott, kiwitwinsfan, and anyone else who enjoyed my little song,
Thank you for your support. I enjoy doing them, and when inspiration strikes, sometimes I just can't help myself.
I was trying to do one using Elton John's "The Bitch is Back", but it just wasn't inspiring me. Then I thought of "Don't Dream It's Over."
It's one of my favorite Crowded House songs, and the chorus certainly lent itself well to the situation.
Once I started, it practically wrote itself. ;-)
Lyrically yours,
bubblemint
Dear TwinsGoddess,
No, I hadn't noticed that Terry looks like Manson.
I guess if I thought he did I would run screaming to turn off the television every time he steps on the mound, like I do any time I see the real Charles Manson on the news.
Posted by: bubblemint at July 29, 2004 03:32 PMSo you swept!?!?!?!? So what? The Sox swept y'all in Minneesooota last month. I've been a Sox fan for 40 years (yeah, pity me) and I accept that my team ain't going anywhere. You Twin fans had better wake up also.....when the smoke clears YOU won't be there either.
Posted by: Gerry at July 29, 2004 03:34 PMGerry.
Oh! So THAT'S why she calls you guys the Bitch Sox. Thanks for clearing that up for me.
-YankeeFan
Posted by: YankeeFan at July 29, 2004 04:26 PMI'm a fan of YankeeFan.
Posted by: Haplo at July 29, 2004 05:13 PMMe too. Well played, YankeeFan.
Posted by: Chris at July 29, 2004 05:23 PMI can't believe I'm about to give props to someone who's a fan of the Yankees, but here goes:
"I doff my cap you, YankeeFan. Well put."
Oof, that smarts.
Posted by: Skorch at July 29, 2004 07:58 PM