Brewers at Twins. Brewers 7, Twins 2.
Today, Batgirl was at Cooks of Crocus Hill buying a sifter and a medium-sized glass bowl. Normally, she would buy those things at Target, but she was at Southdale for a matinee, needed those items, and happened to wander into said store. Someone at the store offered her a sample of their fine variety of chocolates, and Batgirl politely declined. "Are you sure?" the salesman said. "We have a really good low-carb chocolate."
At this point Batgirl went into a berserker rage. Frankly, it had been building for some time, what with all the commercials for Atkins-friendly dining at Subway and Applebees and TGI Fridays and low freakin' carb beer. Did you know that cottage cheese was low carb? And yogurt? Thank god, finally a diet that allows you to eat cottage cheese and yogurt! So, anyway, as a result Batgirl started smashing pieces of low carb chocolate on the floor and jumping up and down on top of them shouting "STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!"
But that wasn't all. Before the matinee, the theater ran some commercials, including one for low carb Coke. Low carb Coke? Low-freakin' carb Coke? Hey, I know, if you want to lose weight, stop drinking #@$@#$ Coke! So Batgirl let out a high-pitched scream and started ripping apart the theater seats with her teeth. Perhaps you saw it on the news.
Anyway, the point is, the low carb lifestyle isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Today's Twins game, for instance, pitted two Twins pitchers who are low carb devotees against a Brewers pitcher who prefers to combine a balanced diet with regular exercise. Why, just before the game Brewers starter Victor Santos could be seen chowing down on an entire loaf of French bread. Meanwhile, Twins starter Matt Guerrier and bullpen pitcher Terry Mulholland shared a four-foot long steak for dinner and split one lettuce leaf.
Yum yum yum! I'll pitch good tonight!
The rest is culinary history. Santos shut the Twins down tonight. Fueled by a pure carbohydrate rush, Santos struck out 7 Twins and allowed only two hits through the first six innings. "Man," you could hear the Twins muttering in the dugout, "that must have been some good bread."
Meanwhile, Matt Guerrier had ten pounds of medium rare cow sitting in his gullet. At first, it seemed this might work to his advantage; since all his blood had flown to his digestive system he was pitching with a carefree lightness (or lightheadedness?) not seen in his last start. But then, the meat started to digest and Guerrier went into meat-related shock in the fourth inning, allowing three singles and a homer before he recorded a single out.
Guerrier was done for the day; he had to lie down on a cold slab somewhere and lie motionless until the steak digested, but then his dinner date came out and that's when everything really went to hell. Terry Mulholland's arteries were audibly hardening when he was on the mound today, and the experience so distracted him that he pitched as if he were, in fact, a four-foot long medium rare steak. Mulholland gave up three runs in the 5th inning, turning a 4-0 game into a 7-0 game and sending the entire Twins dugout into a serious carb spiral.
Was it any wonder that after the game tomorrow's starter Kyle Lohse could be sharing a large plate of pasta with Johan Santana and Brad Radke? Could you blame the remaining BULLPEN IDOLS contestants gnawing on a 5-lbs bag of Idaho potatoes? They just want to win this series, and if that means eating full carb chocolate, well dammit, that's just the kind of guys they are. Here's to you, carb-eaters.
Posted by Batgirl at June 26, 2004 09:11 PMYeah, sorry to spoil your party tonight, after all, the White Sox were required to lose today as ordered by Twinkies' fans...why did they even show up against Zambrano?
Meanwhile, whodathunk that the Sox's strategy of trading Guerrier to the Pirates for Marte and letting Liefer go to the Brew Crew would work so perfectly tonight. Lief gave Matt the nod, and Matt served up that spicy meatball to Lief. Just like KW planned.
Posted by: Shoeless Joe at June 26, 2004 10:10 PMCould I fall for you even more...a despiser of low-carbs AND a Twins fan, you are lovely Batgirl.
(and pay no mind to that Joe fella, he's just jealous that the Bitch Sox don't have such a kick-ass blog as the Twins do here)
Posted by: Andrew at June 26, 2004 10:42 PMI dint' plan nuffin, Soxboy! :)
Not only did Terry forget to leave the ball down tonight, he forgot to wrap his burger in a pita wrap or lettuce leaf or whatever it is that you're supposed to do to sustain your max "ketosis." What kind of a world do we live in when rubbing jelly on your stomach and strapping on a vibrating ab-belt is considered ridiculous, but the concept of low-carb Doritos isn't?
Posted by: kw at June 26, 2004 11:04 PMI hate that it took a fad diet to make it happen, but I (along with millions of other diabetics) am awfully happy supermarkets are finally offering lower-carb options of many foods. The low-carb diets bug me, yes, but I'll put up with it if it means I can peruse more than just the pathetic 'diabetic section' in most supermarkets.
Posted by: Biggie_Robs at June 26, 2004 11:53 PMDear Mr. Robs,
Batgirl herself can't eat a lot of sugar, and certainly understands.
Sincerely,
Batgirl
This is what happens when they don't put the @#$% game on TV!!
So, after two starts is Shaggier or Greasy better? Should we give Shaggier a couple more opportunities? Or should we trade both to KC for "nearly legal, ladies" Greinke?
Posted by: amr at June 27, 2004 12:19 AMIs it just me, or does Guerrier (I refuse to use the term "shaggy" because there is no badly animated, badly written show I hate more than Scooby Doo) look an awful lot like Seth Green?
Hmm I suppose if we got Baird drunk we could nab Greinke. Although it IS only the guy's second major league start and didn't have used to be AA? He made a huge jump.
Posted by: Mimiru at June 27, 2004 12:22 AMNow that's some talent: anyone who can make the transition from a low-carb rant to the Twins' lethargy deserves my undying respect. I'd say the effort last night was, simply, low energy. In need, perhaps, of high fructose corn syrup on the bats.
BlogBoy thinks bat girl's the Bees Knees.
Posted by: BlogBoy at June 27, 2004 06:58 AMMimiru....You nailed it. Definitely Seth Green. That's been bugging me forever. I thank you for my piece of mind.
Posted by: Meghan at June 27, 2004 10:55 AMBG--
No offense taken at all. I hate all the commercials (and especially the term "Atkins-Friendly") as much as the next guy or gal. I just wanted to point out to your readers that there was a silver lining, at least for some folks.
PS: Some of those low-carb cranberry juice blends are really quite good.
Posted by: Biggie_Robs at June 27, 2004 11:45 AMDear Mr. Robs,
Your story will, perhaps, help me get through these dark times.
Yours,
Batgirl
My pleasure, Meghan. My pleasure.
Posted by: Mimiru at June 27, 2004 02:24 PMI miss the days when we could blame the pitchers' ineptitude on a hangover. An alcohol-induced hangover, not a protein-perpetrated hangover.
cl
Posted by: cricket at June 27, 2004 06:20 PMSpeaking of the low carb craze - I noticed in the Sunday Star Tribune a full-sized one page ad for LOW CARB Metamucil.
I sh*t you not. ( pun intended )
Maybe the Twins have been overdosing on their low carb fiber products - that could explain their lack of fortitude over the weekend
( they've lost too much of the good stuff ).
Dear Ms. Logician,
A very interesting theory. Thank you.
Gratefully,
Batgirl
While walking to and fro, betwixt the Metrodome and my parking garage on Saturday, I couldn't help but spot a billboard for Low-Carb Bacardi. I think it was cranberry flavored, even. "Only in America," as the frightwigged Don King would say, could you be sold on the promise of a healthier body without even giving up hard liquor.
Watching the game in person was a drag. I thought Guerrier did fine for 3 innings, and even the first single he allowed in the 4th was a dying quail that Torii appeared to have lined up until he pulled up at the last moment. (Visions of the inside-the-parker last weekend must have been haunting him at that moment.) If not for a home run off the foul-netting... who knows. I would've liked to see Guerrier come out again for the 5th.
But Gardy seemed to be running on pre-programmed autopilot. "Guerrier for 4; Mulholland for 3-4; hope the offense scores a bunch of runs for us." The offense, unfortunately, also apparently scarfed down extra helpings from the clubhouse pregame beef buffet, themselves.
Justin Morneau, where are you-u-u-uu-uuuu?
Posted by: frightwig at June 28, 2004 03:06 PMI happen to be employed at a certain large St. Paul mill that very nearly went on strike last week. Though I did not want to picket against the company (as I was against the strike), I still thought the idea of picketing could be fun. I wanted to picket for some unrelated cause, and my ingenious friend suggested "Save the Carbs." So you could have driven down Vandalia and seen a bunch of burly men holding on-strike signs, and one tiny girl trying to bring back the balanced diet.
However, I am much happier to be employed.
Posted by: Donnalove at June 28, 2004 03:36 PM