Tampa Bay at Twins. Devil Rays 4, Twins 2.
Remember yesterday? Remember how we won by, like, a whole lot? Remember how it was as if we had woken up from a strange and terrible spell, one which caused us to play like a T-ball team—one with no hitting? Remember how Batgirl had said it was as if wee little fairies had swept down on the team, waved their magic wands, and released the Twins from whatever funk they were in?
Batgirl was wrong. Oh yes, there are fairies, gentle readers, make no mistake. There are fairies and they are evil.
Batgirl was there tonight, and she saw them. You have to squint very carefully, you have to tilt your head to just the right angle, you have to catch your breath and stay very, very still. Like that. See them? Little creatures with silver wings and tutus—they look like the sweetest things until they grin at you and you see their hideous snaggleteeth. That's when you recoil in horror, but it will already be too late, they will have already cast their nefarious spells. Oh, yes, my children, there are evil fairies in the Metrodome, and they like to hurt Batgirl's feelings.
Yes, the air was thick with pixie dust tonight. Even if Batgirl hadn't seen the evidence with her own eyes, it would be obvious by the Twins play in the game itself. How else can you explain how we were no hit into the sixth inning by freakin' Doug Waechter, who is 2-5 with a 4.44 ERA thus far. (Make that 3-5, now). This Doug Waechter walked the first two batters in the third inning—but that's when the fairies swooped in. Zap! Poof! Shazam! Guzie grounds into a force out, then Lew Ford into a double play, end of inning.
Ha, ha, Torii Hunter, now I have you!
Oh, but the blasted fairies weren't done. The Twins sharp hits went right into Devil Ray gloves, and every Devil Ray hit found a hole. As for the Twins gloves, well—abra cadabra! Michael Cuddyer was so bewitched, bothered, and bewildered that he completely forgot he's been playing second base rather well, bobbling a double play in the second and relaying a good Jacque Jones throw via air mail to France instead of home, allowing a death blow to score in the 7th. Bip! Bop! Boo! Magic!
I don't know what evil this is, and why it plagues us so. All that is certain is it exists. Somebody wants to torment us, somebody with a pack of evil fairies at his disposal. And what better way than to have us get outplayed by the freakin' Devil Rays? Sick, sick, sick, this evil-doer is!
Dear readers, please help by posting your thoughts on the source of this evil. First we identify it, then we eradicate it. Readers, unite!
Posted by Batgirl at June 2, 2004 10:58 PMDon't worry, Rivas, the horrid is on the way back; talk about your evil little fairies. We cling desperately to Luis, and Jose, and let Restovich, and morneau destroy triple A pitching while we get no hit for 5.67 innings by Girl Watcher. Evidently, the evil,frigging,little, fairies, have taken over the front office. Now is not the time for haikus, now is the time for raving/ ranting. Scathingly yours, Al
Jerking around Rick Helling whilst the management has inexplicably grown attached to Seth Greisinger, and sending down Morneau because "we already have enough DH's on this team," no doubt have been bad karma, bad juju, messy for the mojo, and has the evil little faeries on our case.
I mean, when you prefer to have Jose Offerman batting DH (and I wonder how many other teams had a DH batting 7th tonight?) instead of Justin Morneau, aren't you just about *asking* for trouble?
Posted by: frightwig at June 3, 2004 01:02 AMHi, Batgirl.
Billy Koch certainly looks like he could be in command of a collective of evil fairies, but if he is, they seem to have turned on their master, as well.
Are we witnessing a revolt? Bad-fairie anarchy?
Posted by: hrunting at June 3, 2004 08:40 AMI’ve been contemplating the nature of evil a lot lately. It seems like the world is filled with more evildoers than ever before. I decided to do a little research to discover who is the most evil person in the entire world right now.
Despite tough competition from around the globe in the form of terrorists, ruthless dictators and rabid Mandy Moore fans, it was easy for me to zero in on and isolate the most evil person on the entire planet.
His close proximity to the land of good (aka Minnesota) means his nasty little fairies don’t have to travel far to do his evil bidding. And recently it seems the fairies have accumulated lots of frequent fairy flyer mileage in order to wave their wicked wands over our team from two cities.
How can we save the Twins and rid the world of this evil doer and doer of evil? We must look Bud Selig in the face, and then dump a beer (preferably one brewed in Minnesota) on him, so that he can melt away in agony just like the wicked witch of the west.
The Mothership has become the Zone of Zero Funkativity because it's fallen into the clutches of Sir Sox D'voidoffunk, who is cool but has no groove. Bootsy has to use the Bop Gun, the Flashlight and the JoeMamaTor to defeat the Miguel Olivo Syndrome, re-achieve Funderburktelechy for all Twins fans, and make sure everything is on the One again.
C'mon, it's sooo obvious.
Posted by: kw at June 3, 2004 09:37 AMMatty Go-Boom is in the Gourds! Matty Go-Boom is in the Gourds! Master of the mando-bump. Help is on the way! Faeries beware.
Posted by: jumbuck at June 3, 2004 10:03 AMCould it be that cute little Juan Rincon is working for the fairies from the inside? He's certainly got the size down, and it wouldn't be a stretch to from Boo Berry to fairy.
Posted by: Eric at June 3, 2004 11:47 AMLet me just say something:
DID I NOT SAY?! @!%&*%%$@#%
I implied that I did not trust them to follow up a win with a win because well, they're the Twins.
Posted by: SSJPabs at June 3, 2004 12:16 PMLess stats, more sass, and wayyyyy less angst.
Hey, look over there! Wow!! Another beautiful sunny day, even here in Mudville (at least per my playing fields, which filled up with kids in stompers tired of playing indoors while it rained forever and had to go, uh, stomping). And just now the chief of stompers called me at work to tell me
-- We have a chipmunk in the house
-- Put your mother on the phone
-- She can't she's trying to catch it
-- With what
-- A butterfly net
-- That won't catch it it will tear right through that put your mother on the phone
-- She can't we're looking for it we don't know where it is it wasn't under the couch
-- I'm coming home
-- We'll call you if we catch it
Away angst, and sure, sweet victory will be ours!
Posted by: Hart at June 3, 2004 04:16 PMDear Mr. Hart,
That was a beautiful story, and something I think we can all learn from.
Appreciatively,
Batgirl
Al-VIN!
Posted by: D. Seville at June 4, 2004 08:33 AM