Twins at Tampa Bay. Devil Rays 5, Twins 4.
After a week-long self-imposed rehab at Corey Koskie's favorite ashram, Batgirl checked herself out today feeling her chi veritably vibrating in her veins. There's nothing like a week of mediation and fresh kale shakes to remind a batgirl that life in itself is a beautiful gift, and that samadi is only a series win away.
So she must admit she was a little surprised to return to the BatQuarters to find the male members of Team Batgirl passed out on a pile of empty pizza boxes and surrounded by piles of crushed cans of Red Bull. As for Sooz, she had apparently fled the scene days before, checking herself into a week-long intensive spa and was at that moment getting a lavender-orange salt scrub and downing appletinis in a suite with Diana DeGarmo and Juror No. 5 from the Martha Stewart trial. The BatKitties, meanwhile, who lacked adult supervision, had gotten into the catnip and were blasting Goober's old LP of Pink Floyd's The Wall. As a result, no one was available to answer the only question on Batgirl's mind: how did the game go today?
But then Batgirl noticed the strange orangy goo on Goober's right index finger, and, in mute horror, she suddenly beheld the fateful words scrawled next to his body in Cheeto-dust:
Freakin' Devil Rays 5, Twins 4.
Well, poo. When you spend a week at a blasted ashram weaving potholders out of wheatgrass, you look forward to coming home to find your team has kicked a little Ewok-butt.
I know everyone has to lose a series sometimes, but does it have to be to the freakin' Devil Rays? I can't think of anything more embarrassing, except maybe if they lost to my old JV volleyball team. (Batgirl was captain, MVP, and won an award for best attitude, if that tells you just how bad we were.)
It was no Bitch-Sox style blowout, thank Krishna. We just had one error, (on a rather whimsical pickoff to 2nd by Carlos Silva) as opposed to, you know, 70. And Corey Koskie proved the health of his chi by hitting a homer on his first at bat after coming off the DL. (It was pretty touching, actually, when he pointed to left field and mouthed, "This one's for you, Jeb…eh!") Silva's chi got seriously messed up in the second, but Jacque "Remind Me Why He's Expendable Again?" Jones responded by hitting a three-run dinger in the top of the 3rd.
But then in the 4th with two outs, Silva gave up two quick singles and then Rocco "Pinball Wizard" Baldelli hit a ball off the bumpers on the roof for triple points and a free ball.
So it was 5-4 Tampa Bay in the 4th. Did anyone…anyone?…think that that was going to be the final score of the game? It's the freakin' Devil Rays, and we're the mighty(-ish) Twins, the comeback kids, the masters of the late inning rally. We don't need no freakin' pinball homers; we have Lew Ford!
But it was the final score, forever immortalized in Cheeto-dust, and it wasn't our proudest moment. For as the swami says, when you're behind one run to the freakin' Devil Rays and you have two runners on base in the seventh inning, you better execute—or you will find yourself staring up at the Bitch Sox in the standings. All of which makes Batgirl want to head back to the ashram, stat.
Posted by Batgirl at May 27, 2004 08:14 PMAbsolutely brilliant bit of writing there. The appletinis and Diana DeGarmo killed me.
God, I'm sick of blogging...I'm becoming a burnout, man.
E
As a Padre fan (don't laugh) I was appalled at the state of Twin fandom. Is it true that the men drink Red Bull, rather than beer?!? And the women, they practice yoga?!? Please tell me the players are not (GASP!) CANADIAN! If you people ever make a Fenway road trip you'll be beaten to death with you own yoga mats. And if you're Viking fans: DO NOT TRAVEL TO OAKLAND for any future Raider-Viking contest.
Good god, I knew the Twins had a dungeon of a stadium, but this is worse than I thought...
I love your stuff, Eric. Take a blog break, but don't make it too long!
Posted by: Goober at May 27, 2004 09:44 PME, how can you be a blogger burnout! You don't even write that often! Take a look at the guys over at Twins Chatter. Now, they're Ironmen- they write something new just about every day. But no one can challenge Batgirl for Ironman (or Ironwoman) status: she is truly dedicated. I think we can all learn a lesson from Batgirl. :)
Posted by: G at May 27, 2004 10:30 PMAll know that Batgirl is the queen of my heart, but I think the Iron Blogger award (and the Spring-Steel Knuckles Award) may have to go to Aaron Gleeman (even though I hear his computer is on the DL right now).
Posted by: hoboblin at May 28, 2004 12:35 AMGleeman deserves absolutely nothing. Ever.
Posted by: SSJPabs at May 28, 2004 01:51 AMSuddenly curious to see/hear more about Batgirl's illustrious career in volleyball. Are there photos? Could there be Legovision?
LT
Posted by: LondonTwin at May 28, 2004 03:15 AMI haven't quite been able to map this out, but I'm morally sure that the Devil Rays are somehow tied up with the stolen 2000 Presidential election, the crash of TWA Flight 800 and those "lost time" episodes of the X-Files. While the standings tell us plainly that they lose 100 games or so every year, they seem unbeatable when the stakes are really high. Even when it's not immediately apparent how high the stakes are. Case in point: Tampa Bay somehow swept my own team of choice, the Phillies, in a seemingly unremarkable interleague series in 2001. We lost the division, and missed the playoffs, by two games. Tampa kept us home that year. I condemn them to hell, along with Jeb Bush, Katharine Harris, and your own Carl "C. Montgomery" Pohlad.
Also, I know a little something about Batgirl's volleyball career, but only enough to confirm that a little knowledge can be more dangerous and destructive than total ignorance. I do believe that all photographic and journalistic documentation of this high point for post-Enlightenment Sport was destroyed in the suspicious Great Blake Monocle Disaster of 1994. Requiescat en pacem.
Posted by: jeffstoned at May 28, 2004 09:40 AMFinally there is something to feel good about! The Sox are on top of the division. It's interesting to see Twins fans handling the difficulties by referring to their opponents as Bitch Sox and Ewoks. I guess when you can't win on the field, you have to move to the ad hominem approach. Don't get too down, though. The Twins have been pretty bad at hitting, fielding, and pitching in the last few weeks, but at least they've got their health. Oh wait.
P.S.
Despite being a Twins fan, I must say again that Batgirl can really write baseball.
P.P.S.
GO SOX!
I'm sorry, I need to apologize. I shouldn't have made fun of the injuries. I don't want anyone to get hurt, even opposing players. I apologize to all the injured, and to all those I may have injured through my thoughtless words. May all the players have a speedy recovery.
Posted by: Sox Fan at May 28, 2004 10:22 AMBatgirl was absent long enough for the heart to grow fonder, but not so long that Inge Hammond had edged her out as the object of our twittering schoolboy admiration. As for the Twins, this is hardly as bad as the dismal Ewok four-game sweeps down the stretch in 2001. But maybe, like the BatKitties, I've become comfortably numb.
P.S. Sportstosterone + political correctness = comedy gold.
Posted by: kw at May 28, 2004 10:54 AM