Minnesota at Tampa Bay. Twins 4, Devil Rays 2.
Batgirl’s massive and devoted readership sometimes wonders why some guy called Twins Geek gets to be featured daily on the Strib website while Batgirl does not. Does Twins Geek sponsor day trips to Treasure Island for patriotic sing-alongs? Does he offer yoga workshops? In fact, think about it...have you ever seen Legos over at Twins Geek? Even once?
Well, maybe the StarTribune favors Twins Geek because of all those juicy stats he throws about every day. That’s one thing Batgirl doesn’t do. Stats, no . . . sass, another story. But just this once let’s get out some sharp no. 2 pencils, the graphing calculators, and plenty of scratch paper and do some math. It’s time tell the story of tonight’s game through the magic of numbers!
How can one quantify the slightly queasy feeling Team Batgirl felt as tonight’s first pitch approached? Jeb, Goober, and Sooz waxed the BatBus all afternoon in silence. They worried about Seth Greisinger’s ability to lift the Twins out of their rut, they worried the Twins’ recently mute bats would remain hushed, but mostly they worried that Batgirl would return from her Yoga retreat and fly into a rage at their inability to will the Twins to win in her absence. (First she drinks, then she hits.) So, as the three repaired into the BatQuarters and Goober broke out the Slim Jims for dinner while Sooz fired up the TV that pall of silence remained.
That queasiness can be measured in a statistic we call the Greis-integer. To calculate the Greis-integer you simply add Greisinger’s five highest E.R.A.s in his last ten starts and multiply that by the number of runs by which the Twins have lost over the past week and a half. Let’s do the math:
Now, compare the number against your Greisy-Gauge.
0-100: Greisy’s great!
100-200: Hot stuff.
200-300: Luke warm.
300-400: Cold fish.
400-500: No way!
(The Greisy-Gauge doesn’t go above 500 because of the incredible statistical improbability that the Greis-integer would go that high, let alone as high as, say, 511.)
Maybe it’s not that hard to quantify how concerned Team Batgirl was.
But all that started to change when Matty “Campagne Grande” LeCroy drove in Lew Ford in the first inning.
Five innings later it felt as if the Greis-integer was plummeting into the triple-digits, taking the queasiness with it, as Greisy left the game having given up only two runs--five fewer than in his previous start.
But where were our hits to come from without Shannon? After all, the Twins had to go out and get him last year after the team had only managed to collect a total of 14 hits before the All Star break. No Shannon, no hits tonight . . . right?
Not exactly, thanks to Lew Ford!
Which brings us to our second super statistic of the night, a statistic we call the Lew-gorithm. The Lew-gorithm is very versatile statistic that measures a number of things. It measures the fraction of the Twins total offense that Lew contributed, it rates his performance against other players under 6 feet tall, and when multiplied by the weight of your turkey in pounds, lets you know just how long to cook it for a delicious, juicy bird!
Just add tonight’s hits and bases on balls to his current batting average and position on the AL leader board.
Let’s do the math:
Measure your Lew-gorithm against the Magic Eight Ball:
1-2: No.
2-3: Fat chance.
3-4: Outlook not so good.
5-6. Maybe.
7-8. Serious possibility.
9-10. Yes.
A number higher than ten indicates the player is likely to be added to Mount Rushmore.
Lew, as they say, came through, and Jacque . . . did too, batting in Lew and Guzie in the 5th to put us ahead for good. The bullpen performed very well, especially Juan Rincon.
All-in-all, Team Batgirl breathed a sigh of relief, hoping that Batgirl would be refreshed from her Yoga retreat and in a forgiving mood since her boys played quite respectable ball tonight. She returns, thank God, tomorrow night.
Time to clean the BatQuarters!
P.S. Does anyone have any other stats that might prove enlightening?
Dearest Jeb,
You never told me you had such skill with math!
Admiringly,
Batgirl
The slammin' breakdancing move that Alex Prieto busted for the first out in the ninth definitely raised his Electric Boogaloo Quotient (EBq) to at least about a million. Ain't no stoppin' us... no one does it better!
Posted by: kw at May 27, 2004 01:40 AMThe Lew-gorithm is one mathmatical equation that even Steven Hawkins won't be able to disprove!
Well done Jeb!
KTF, I think you mean Stephen Hawking.
As in "Hawking a Lew-gorithm."
As in "Who knows what sort of stat metric Team BatGirl will spit out next?"
I'm more of a sasshead than a stathead, but if applying the Lew-gorithm can help our Twins regain a consistent Lego-rhythm, I'm all for it.
Posted by: Franorama at May 27, 2004 08:04 AMWatching JEB at the whiteboard is like watching a scene from A Beautiful Mind! You make those numbers dance!
Posted by: Goober at May 27, 2004 08:52 AMStar Wars analagous modeling one day.
Advanced Applied Statistics the next.
Is there any wonder why we all return to Bat-Land day after day?
Posted by: boomer at May 27, 2004 10:41 AMStatistics, for the most part, suck. They can be used to produce an economic recovery at a time when the gap 'twixt rich 'n' poor is widening. However, it has recently become appropriate to fire up to JoeMamaTor (rhymes w/ "thermometer) to track the recent sizzle of one Joe Nathan. 25 up, 25 down. Two outs from a closer's perfect game. Makes me want to shake my dreads and sing "No Eddie, No Cry."
Posted by: RonDavis at May 27, 2004 11:14 AMRon,
I like the JoeMamaTor. Looks like it's in the triple digits right now. I haven't verified your numbers, but if that's true, don't tell us! You'll jinx the man!
Oh and by the way, "They can be used to produce an economic recovery at a time when the gap 'twixt rich 'n' poor is widening."? What the hell's that suppose to mean? Are you upset that the economy's recovering because it's making you rich? And who are these poor people you're worried about? If you're talking about the lower middle class fighting to tread water, own a home, and make a life for themselves, you're talking about me. And as long as we keep on fighting, we'll be fine. Don't worry about us. Your a smart guy Ron, and very creative. You may have been joking with that comment and not meant anything by it. If so, I apologize for my rant. The thing is, in the business world, things have improved vastly relative to a year ago. That means quite a bit to us down here in the lower middle class. Please don't minimize it to me while I'm trying to enjoy sports commentary.
Also, what is the units on the JoeMamaTor scale? Degrees Nathius? Andersonheit? Kelvin?
Posted by: Florida at May 27, 2004 11:54 AMAll that groundbreaking stuff without the benefit of a calculator, lined paper, or writing with his correct hand. Amazing!
Refreshing to find a baseball site where the proprietors and audience likely spent too much time in middle school math typing "5318008" into their calculators and then turning them upside down.
Posted by: jianfu at May 27, 2004 11:55 AMel diablo has an equation for you:
el diablo + Batgirl + JEB + Sooz + Goober = LOVE
Posted by: el diablo at May 27, 2004 12:05 PMdon't forget, lew ford is a math whiz. i read somewhere that he got an almost-perfect score on his math SAT, and i'm pretty sure he was a math major in college.
Posted by: ryan` at May 27, 2004 12:14 PMMr. Davis, Mr/Ms. Florida,
If you would both be so kind to keep the politics to a minimum, I would much appreciate it. I have recently discovered sportsblogs as an antidote to my poli-blog reading, which left me in a perenially bad mood. I would hate to see the Batgirl community divided among political agreements. We should be uniting, not dividing, over our hatred of the evil BitchSox and Yanquis (as appropriate).
I know some conspiracy theorists (not necesessarily me) who believe that politics is just a big lie developed by Chicagoans to keep the forces of good (Twinsfans) divided and at less than full strength. If we argue politics, the BitchSox will have won!
amr
Posted by: amr at May 27, 2004 12:22 PMMy peace offering to those who don't want political commentary mixed in with their baseball -- aside from debating the lyrics of our friend Lee Greenwood, of course -- is to suggest that the second Batgirl Bus Trip end up at a Doubledays gig. (Please click on Florida's name for more information.) As for the units on the JoeMamaTor scale? They are in units TROY -- degrees of separation from Twins Relievers Of Yesterday. Peace out, all.
Posted by: RonDavis at May 27, 2004 12:41 PMYes, yes, except for Lee Greenwood lyrics. But is that politics or arts?
And Canadian Importation policy should also be fair game, mostly as it involves lumber and infielders.
Please don't mix art and baseball. Next thing you know we'll be having Mapplethorpe Night at the Dome instead of Dollar-A-Dog night.
Posted by: RonDavis at May 27, 2004 01:02 PMI apologize, amr. You're right. No politics of any kind. That was going to be the point of my previous post, but I think I missed it in the final product. When it comes down to it, I would rather have the Twins win the pennant than see my guy (whoever that will be) win in November. In fact, I would trade ever vote in every election for the next five years for tickets to one World Series game in the Dome.
By the way, as Ron pointed out, Nathan has 8 straight no hit innings. He has walked only two during that span. We must unite behind our Twins and hope Joe completes the relief no-no today!
Posted by: Florida at May 27, 2004 01:48 PMJeb,
Those algorhythms make me terrified, mortified, petrified... Stupified,
by YOU!
Eric
Of *any* kind? Can't we at least discuss the politics of dancing? The politics of (oooo) feeling good?
Posted by: kw at May 27, 2004 04:22 PMDear Eric,
I'm sure we can create a stat to measure your anxiety about math. Let's see...how many total bases have you given up to opponents in your past ten starts?
JEB
Posted by: JEB at May 27, 2004 06:55 PMDear Mr/Ms kw,
You continually amaze me with your sagaciousness. You have something to teach us all.
Humbly,
Batgirl
I think "Free your mind and your ass will follow" just about covers the politics of dancing. Well, and then there's "Footloose." Is there anything else to add?
Posted by: frightwig at May 28, 2004 03:07 PMFrightwig -
1.) Everything good is nasty.
2.) Nothing is good unless you play with it.
3.) If you fake the funk, your nose will grow (a/k/a the Pinocchio Theory).
4.) Give the people what they want when they want and they wants it all the time.
5.) Temptation without representation for purposes of pimpation is woo.