Twins at Seattle. Twins 5, Mariners 1
Dear Umpire Marty Foster,
You are a stupid-head. You blew at least three calls yesterday, and you blew them hard. You blew them so hard you made Corey Koskie angry. Didn’t anyone tell you that you wouldn't like Corey when he’s angry? Perhaps you need to find a new career, something that doesn’t require good judgment or, for that matter, a shred of common sense. Perhaps the Department of Defense?
Sincerely,
Batgirl
Dear Corey Koskie,
Boy, you sure were pissed yesterday. It was a lot like when the Canadian pairs figure skaters got hosed at the last Winter Olympics, but with less hair. LaVelle E. Neal got mad at you for not coming through in the eighth, but you sure came through the ninth. You gave that ump a talking-to he will never forget. But you didn’t really hit the ball today, which leaves Batgirl to wonder if you still have some issues. Do you still have issues? Have you ever thought of anger-management courses?
Helpfully,
Batgirl
Dear LaVelle E. Neal III,
Batgirl apologizes for making fun of you for being cranky. You have every right to be cranky, and really, Corey, Torii, and Jacque should have scored after Dougie hit a lead-off double in the eighth. Perhaps Batgirl herself was cranky. Perhaps she needed to look in the mirror. Get some sleep!
Humbly,
Batgirl
Dear Jacque,
That was a really nice homer you hit tonight. The Mariners never came back from that. It was nice to see the Twins score some runs again. Sometimes it seems like every pitcher we face is Cy Young, but really they’re not.
Affectionately,
Batgirl
Dear Carlos Silva,
You’re so awesome. You’re like Cy Young. Yesterday, well, kind of blew. We were all up pretty late and Batgirl wove a tapestry of expletives. A very sleepy tapestry. And we used the whole bullpen and Danny Gladden was warming up. And we needed someone to step up to the plate, and you stepped up, but good. One run, five hits, five strikeouts, and eight very quick, beautiful innings. It meant both LaVelle E. Neal III and Batgirl could go to bed on-time. We hope you continue to pitch really awesome and that the Twins signed you to a really, really long contract at major league minimum.
Worshipfully,
Batgirl
Dear Danny Gladden,
You said you went out after the game yesterday. How could you possibly have? It was 2:00 AMCDT! Aren’t you really, really old now?
Confused,
Batgirl
Dear Beloved Readers,
The Twins won today. Luis Rivas even got a hit, with runners in scoring position. And the game only took about 2.5 hours. There is hope, my dear friends, there is hope.
Lovingly,
Batgirl
Indeed. That Silva-for-Milton deal is looking pretty sweet right now.
Posted by: Jeremy Wahlman at May 5, 2004 11:57 PMDear Batgirl,
You are my hero. You can stay up later than me because you love the Twins so much. You are also very funny. You even care enough to broadcast Legovision.
I think I love you,
Smitten
SSJPabs
Posted by: SSJPabsc at May 6, 2004 12:25 AMI fell out of my chair on this one
'Dear Danny Gladden,
You said you went out after the game yesterday. How could you possibly have? It was 2:00 AMCDT! Aren’t you really, really old now?
Confused,
Batgirl'
HAHAHA
He should of brought some Glueck beer with him.. no need then to hit the establishments late!
Posted by: James at May 6, 2004 12:30 AMWow. It was a late game. Here in London, we are six hours ahead of the time in the Twin Cities. This means I usually don't get to stay up and listen to the games (though it does comfort me that when I do, I am treated to the same options as those who are still in MN - I hear you don't get many more Twins games on TV there than we do here in London.) I was a bit shocked when I got up on the morning, 7:10 AM local time, turned on my computer to check if the Twins had won or not, and discovered that THEY WERE STILL PLAYING!
I was tempted to turn on my radio feature, but I had to get to work.
If only they had won it....
Posted by: LondonTwin at May 6, 2004 03:26 AMOh, to be a penpal of Batgirl's.
Posted by: RonDavis at May 6, 2004 08:07 AMLondonTwin, I feel your pain. I recall when I was in England, the only American sports we could get were NFL games with all the non-scoring drives edited out. I think it's just dear and cute how the Brits think sheep herding and steeplechase are Ladbrooke's-worthy sports. I do rather like Cricket, though, not because I understand it, but because it takes even longer than baseball---even on Tuesday. Cheers, mate! Ta!
Posted by: Goober at May 6, 2004 10:58 AMgladden (and gordo's) night began at 2am.
havent you read the vancover police report?